Loser nothing

I'm a loser. I have nothing going for myself, never did. 

All I have is deep wounds that get deeper with age, and trauma that becomes more traumatic as I age. 

In my late 40s. Never had a job due to disability, never been a looker, never had a good body, never had good skin. My body and skin have always been scarred filled, from trauma and abuse and my body keloids so I have those all over ..

Nobody ever befriended me, I've always been bullied my whole schooling years.. when I first entered school at 5 I was bullied and isolated. I've never had someone shown a genuine interest in me and wanted to be my friend or include me.

I've never had a friend, never had any genuine people who wanted to be with me romantically and in a relationship. They'd lie, pretend, use me and discard me like trash, often ghosting me or making up something to exit my life.

No kids, no husband, no friends, no long term partner, no family, no one really talks to me unless they see me collecting mail or packages and they can't get away before I spot them ..and it's always an obligated forced good morning, and their eyes roam and a sense of urgency to get away from me as soon as possible when they ask me how I'm doing. 

Their eyes always pleading for me just to say fine so they can leave.

I stay in my bed mostly , only to get up and handle the absolute necessary. I don't go anywhere. I am house bond. Which I prefer ..but sometimes it often gets lonely and depressing .. especially when I people watch from my window.

I just mostly doom scroll all day or sleep. 

I live around a bunch of people and no one ever checks on me or even thinks of sending the cops over to do a wellness check....when I accidentally see people who live in the area after a long time ..I usually get people pretending they care saying that they haven't seen me in a long time, and wondered if I still lived here.

I've also lived in the same house since I was 11.. same bedroom...never lived anywhere else. 

I also just cry a lot about all the trauma and things that have always been my life. 

Everything within me is depressing and pitiful.

If we ever go anywhere..I can't wait to ctb