Need advice
My husband had an emotional affair that I discovered a year and half ago. Since then he has done everything I have asked him to do. He’s become a much more healthier person to be around, especially for myself and the kids.
But I can’t seem to let it go. I think about it daily. He’s been transparent with his phone. But if I get a second alone with it, I deep dive into everything. It’s exhausting. I think I just don’t want to be blind sided again.
I don’t know how to let it go. How do I let it go?
@frankSummer9049
Sit with him and say what you wrote. If you're nervous, write it down on a piece of paper and give it to him, or send it as a message. Express everything. Tell him that whenever you remember the situation, you'll talk to him about it. He must be ready, because healing doesn't happen overnight. The residue of a single memory develops in layers, and a deeper layer will emerge each time. Therefore, he shouldn't be upset if you bring it up repeatedly. Tell him that you don't blame him, but emphasize that his listening comforts you and that you appreciate the change that has occurred. Tell him about the behaviors you're currently engaging in, simply as a reaction and in shock to what happened.
Before all of this, and along the way, you'll understand your feelings by writing the message, recording your voice, or telling him what's on your mind.
If you need psychological or family counseling, I encourage you to do so, as it's very helpful and will help you get to know yourself.
Always remember, every experience you go through teaches you more about yourself and allows you to delve deeper into yourself. If you talk about the same memory or situation multiple times, that's normal. As women, when we share our feelings, we feel comfortable.
Try talking to him, because he's the one who's involved in the issue. Before you tell him, as I said, praise him. If you find that going with you to a therapist helps, ask him to do so.
Good luck to you. With all the love and acceptance for your feelings, remember that whatever you're going through, it's meant to happen.
I had that problem with going on my partner phone I think it's just trust him and just say to yourself he's with you not them sending hugs 🤗
@frankSummer9049
You should divorce him. Cheating is never okay.
@frankSummer9049 Letting it go is hard. It functions as PTSD, where trust is broken and we become hypervigilant. Trust takes a lot of time to rebuild, and the betrayal isn't something that just goes away with an apology. It may take many conversation of partner apologizing and reaffirming the love you two have for each other. But it may also be good to udnerstand, Why? Why did this happen? What's the honest thing that was missing in your relationship that he had to seek out else where?
These are hard conversations. I encourage having a therapist to help with this process because it can get intense.
Why he started that?
@frankSummer9049
I'm aware of a few relationships that were almost totally destroyed by infidelity, but survived, and actually improved to be better than they were before the cheating.
It might be worth considering that this emotional infidelity occurred, but the result was more openness and clarity. You survived. The relationship is surviving. It's like you faced the worst case scenario, and the relationship was strong enough, and you loved each other enough to overcome the event.
I think it may be that you're far less likely to be cheated on by this person than if you started over with another.
My son in law cheated on my daughter. That was 20 years ago. He never strayed again and their relationship is solid.
I suspect there may be more sensitivity to each other's emotional needs. That alone is a huge determining factor in relationship survival.
The active listening training offered here may be the key to a relationship that's better than you could imagine.
You said you can't seem to let it go. Someone mentioned PTSD may be involved, and indeed it may be. It may also be grief for the lost trust. Grief is a process, so it takes time. Try to deny or fight it, and it becomes more unmanageable. Hope tempers grief, as does forgiveness. It often happens that the scars from a damaged relationship helps it grow stronger, because the partners KNOW they can survive.
@frankSummer9049
Once trust is lost it is very hard to get it back. I would suggest doing some intensive trust exercises and therapy.
Maybe talk to him.
Establishing boundaries is great. There’s a compromise of trust that usually is deep. This can certainly make it hard for someone to move on. This takes time. It is exhausting! I am trying to stop myself from doing this. I had a different outcome but I exhibit the same feelings!
