Need advice
My husband had an emotional affair that I discovered a year and half ago. Since then he has done everything I have asked him to do. He’s become a much more healthier person to be around, especially for myself and the kids.
But I can’t seem to let it go. I think about it daily. He’s been transparent with his phone. But if I get a second alone with it, I deep dive into everything. It’s exhausting. I think I just don’t want to be blind sided again.
I don’t know how to let it go. How do I let it go?
@frankSummer9049 I know people may say when you have to go through your spouse's phone that it's insecurity or jealousy, but your reasons for doing or feeling the need to do is valid... however, I do not believe it's healthy for you or your husband.
Yes, he made a mistake in the past. He's guilty of emotional infidelity and he broke your trust. Trust is super important in marriages and there's just some things that shouldn't take place. Cheating is one of those things. It is detrimental and hurtful and it takes someone strong willing to try and stay to make it work... It takes someone strong to say... "I forgive you."
I was always taught that genuine forgiveness is conducting yourself in a way as if the person never wrong you. Forgiving is releasing it all and not throwing it in their face later. Forgiveness is for you, most importantly.
I truly believe it's wonderful that your husband is doing all he can to try and regain your trust. Trust is earned. It's wonderful that he's growing in this sense and it's great you see his efforts. But still with him doing and putting in the work... you've got to too! You've got to really think about if this is something you can truly forgive. If you don't work on the forgiveness and letting certain thoughts creep in your mind, I'm telling you now-- it will only lead to being bitter and resentful. Please please try and heal from this if your husband and your marriage is truly what you want. Hurt and pain can lead to anger and then that anger just turns to other things. Only you can decide how much you are willing to put up with.
I don't know if you already did it in the past or not, but have you been completely honest with your feelings. Have you expressed to your husband how hurt you were because of his emotional infidelity? Have you admitted it? I believe it's part of the healing process, and I really hope the best for you and your husband!
I hope he continues to make great efforts. I hope you open your heart to forgive and not be afraid to trust again. I hope that your marriage overcomes all strife. Wishing you all the best! ♡
@frankSummer9049
I agree with the other poster Trust is earned or earned back in this case. Hard to earn trust back when you are on the look out for him to fail. Is it helping your feelings to deep dive phone? are you happy nothing found or suspicious still. I think of anyone that has done things they do not do same way or while under surveillance.
In this case maybe you should have more deep discussion about what happened and why. What was missing that he found elsewhere? If things have greatly improved he may have the wants/ needs met at home. Knowing what "reason " is and dealing with .....you can make sure he does not want to reconnect or look for that elsewhere. easier then being on guard to watch for signs or it happening again.
Every time I look and find nothing, it’s a sense of relief. I feel like I can breathe again. I never checked his phone prior. I trusted him. I never even checked our phone bill, until one day I did. That’s how I found out. He was a great husband, told me he loved me, that he missed me. It really blindsided me.
I know this isn’t healthy behavior, but the fear is that if I don’t, it could be happening again. How would I know? I’ve also become some what addicted to the sense of relief. I can put my guard down for a minute.
We talked about the reason why a lot. He had 2 different lives. Home life that he was a great husband/father and his work life where he was nonstop flirting and *** women. He liked the attention. He has low self esteem. The women he was flirting with were old enough to be his mom, but one was around our age (30s/40s). None of them were traditionally what society deems attractive and he told me he wasn’t attracted to them. They flirted with him and he rolled with it and took it too far. I almost feel like he was manipulating women who were lonely.
We have been married for 19 years. I built my life around him. After a bed rot episode and mourning my marriage, I pulled myself together and focused on myself. I went to the gym, cut my hair, dolled myself up, and went back to school. I’m much healthier but not healed. A year and half later I’m still dealing with the aftermath.
@frankSummer9049
I think you are on the right track. I think several things in your post show that. The line that he "missed you" is a big thing what did he miss? how was the before relationship.
Blaming low self esteem or taking it too far seem like deflecting. some do not speak up or are unsure how to tell their spouse ...."hey lets just be us" not talk about kids or home issues but act like a real date. The funny thing is time (like 19 years) people change we are not the same person and yet so many in our lives think they "know" us based on a specific time. we grow in different time frames and sometimes feel lost when our partner is not catching up OR haven grown much farther then we have.
These things are not about looks... or age it is about attention and being interested in talking with the person. many work places have simple flirt type work spouse etc.... it goes farther when a person is getting something they want or need from another... in every situation like this there is a line and the person CHOSE to cross it was not an surprise or they did not see the line.
Any self improvement for you is great ......not if you felt you had to do for him ...you are going to worry until you see yourself not in competition........ but the prize he was willing to risk losing.
As you grow in yourself you might feel differently about the whole situation.. The feeling about any cheating does not just go away it is like a stain on a carpet you can only see if light is right but you will be angry or wonder how to get rid of it each time you think about it .
I wouldn’t expect you to get over betrayal like that in a year and a half. There is no time limit on when your healing has magically finished. You’ve been together for 19 years. That’s a lot of history and a lot you would have to unravel if you divorced. Have you ever thought about why you’re so anxious about losing him? Did you give up a lot to be with him? Did you get pulled away from your family and support system when you got married? Are you financially dependent on him? Do you tie your self-worth into him giving you attention? Just some things to think about.
At some point though, you will have to talk to him about why he did it to really understand if there are issues in your marriage or if he has his own issues that he needs to work on. And you will also have to take a leap of faith and trust him at some point. Otherwise he will end up resenting that he tried to fix everything and you still never believed him.
I’m glad you had a glow up! You need to be independent and do your own thing and have your own life aside from him. Keep doing that self-care! Doing all those things will help build your confidence back up in yourself so you won’t be so dependent on checking his phone to see what he’s not doing. You need to heal. However that looks for you.
It is so unbelievably hard to let go of something like that and unfortunately it's something that you will probably always think about, but as time goes on and you begin to realise you have regained some trust there, you will think about it less and less. I think it's so brave to keep working on your relationship and I think just having open ended conversations with him would really help. Have you had all of your why questions answered by him? With physical affairs I believe its easier to understand the motive for him doing it, emotional affairs are alot harder to understand. Keep the communications going, try not to blame as you have decided to carry on with the relationship.
@frankSummer9049
I can understand, it is something related to trust' as you feel like it has been broken, but I appreciate that you are doing your best to keep your home safe and healthy.
@frankSummer9049 Honestly, I get it—you’re not just being paranoid, you’re protecting yourself from ever feeling that kind of hurt again. Even though he’s doing everything right now, the betrayal still lingers, and that’s not something you can just switch off.
It’s like your brain is constantly on high alert, scanning for any sign that it could happen again. And honestly? That makes sense after what you’ve been through. But I think the exhaustion comes from living in that “what if” space like, even when things are good, there’s this shadow hanging over it.
Maybe letting go doesn’t mean forgetting or pretending it never happened. It might just mean giving yourself permission to trust without feeling naive. You’re not the same person who got blindsided you’re wiser, stronger, and you’re paying attention.
But also… you deserve peace. Maybe it’s about setting boundaries with yourself, like deciding how often you check his phone or recognizing when you’re spiraling. And if the weight is still too heavy, there’s nothing wrong with reaching out to a therapist sometimes having a space to unpack those feelings can help you release some of the grip it has on you.
At the end of the day, you’re not weak for still feeling this way. Healing takes time don’t be too hard on yourself.
Thank you. This was really validating to read. I appreciate it.
As a person who has been cheated on as well, your explanation was the best one I've read out of everyones. There's a difference between telling her she needs to forgive vs telling her to give herself permission to find peace.
@frankSummer9049
Frankly speaking if you truly believe that he has changed and u know ut you can consider giving him a second chance but it you do not wish to do that u can also get seperated
I think it's time for both of you to sit down and talk about it. Ask each other questions like, what made him do it? What is he feeling he isn't getting in this relationship with you and such. Emotional cheating is often done in desperation, it's not impulsive. So a good talk might end up doing wonders. Regardless you haven't shared much about your situation so I'm not sure of your circumstances, if you ever want to talk feel free to text me anytime 🌟
@frankSummer9049 Hey. Your feelings are valid to feel weary around your husband. Possibly practicing mantras and tell yourself to let it go and say this to yourself to do so will help. It will take effort, but will work. With grace and gratitude. Good luck and everything will be okay.
Ehich affirmqtions wpuld you recomment? Its so hard to not spiral constantly about hurt everyday
@frankSummer9049
When trust is broken, it can lead to many PTSD like symptoms which means a lot of second guessing. It will take time to rebuild, but I think sharing your heart. I encourage couple's to redress the wound many times over with love and comfort and of course the apology alongside the behavioral promise. Sometimes this is hard to do for the person who betrayed because they feel like it would be one and done AND they are like "I'm being honest NOW, what else can I do??"
Betrayal are wounds that need to tended to many times. I'm sorry this happened to you two. Stay determined.
Thats me. i suffer from ptsd and betrayal trauma
@frankSummer9049
🤔🤔