Need some insight or an outsiders POV
Hi everyone! First time posting. I apologize for it being a long one. My husband and I (M43/ F41) have been together for 27 years and celebrating our 23rd wedding anniversary in August. Been together since we were 14/16 high school sweethearts. We have always been best friends, learned life together hard times and all and have built an amazing life. He is a great man and the best father to our 4 children. Got married young with nothing to our names, started 2 very successful businesses that he has worked so hard at so that I would be able to stay at home with our kids. He provides for us over the top. He really really cares and is an amazing man. The hardest worker I know. He is literally perfect. Except a few years into marriage I caught him on chatting sites he should not be on. When confronted he apologized and we worked through it. Fast forward another few years and I find out he’s on different sites and has posted pics of me (private pics meant for his eyes only) without my knowledge. Along with being on sites that made me incredibly uncomfortable. We talked and worked through things and decided to maybe approach things differently and explore together online. We’ve always been really sexual with each other and love trying new things. This led us to some fun experiences traveling and meeting new people. We aren’t swingers but do dable in the lifestyle but have never had sex with anyone but each other. We take lifestyle trips with close friends we’ve met along the way. I always tell him that as long as we are doing it together it is fine. I never shut down any ideas or turn ons until we’ve talked about them together. I’ve been very open minded and it’s been amazing and made us so much closer. So imagine my surprise when I accidentally came across some vulgar pics of me posted on a site that he forgot to get out of when I was using his phone. Not only that but making comments on other women pretending it was me. The thing is he isn’t honest about it and only tells me half truths unless I call him on it and have irrefutable evidence. This has been something that has been bothering me because I never know what else he is doing unless I catch him bc he’s not honest about it. I don’t understand why he has to do this without me. I’ve never said no my only rule is we have to do it together. It’s been ongoing it feels like through our whole marriage. I ask him what it is I’m not providing so I can try and trust me we’ve tried just about everything. I am very open minded. We are both very attractive fit people and I’ve always taken pride in my appearance for him but after finding out about it this time I have given up. On myself, our sex life, everything. It’s like I’ve shut down and can’t get back out of this hole I’ve dug myself in. I’ve gained weight and feel like trash all the time. I’ve talked to him and he is genuinely sorry and feels bad and makes the same promises of it not happening again. I just don’t know what to do. I don’t like feeling like I’m not enough for him. When I tell him this I can tell it really breaks his heart and he feels terrible for making me feel this way but has no answer as to why he does this. I just don’t know where to go from here.
@brightOwl2869
it is said every action we are getting something out of it. sometimes maybe we cannot define it to another person. it sounds like you have had an open communication style and it would hurt more if you thought you were not enough etc. I have been in those shoes.
He knows if he asked you would try whatever I do not think it is about that. he can feel terrible about it but that will not change his pattern. Promises IMO are "i will not get caught the next time".
Know it is not you. maybe it is his fantasy thing he cannot explain to you.... if i had to direct someone ok "do this, then this or say this" it is no longer a thing i want to do as it feels off and like work.
i do not get him posting your pics or talking about others like he is you ? is this a women only thing and he is pretending to be you? may take a deeper conversation to figure it out but by the sounds of it you both are open to those conversations
@brightOwl2869
hey 👋
i’m new here too. First off I’m sorry you’re going through this I’m going through something similar with my husband. I’ve not really got any help or advice other than I know exactly how you feel.
I’ve literally just joined today so not really sure how this site works properly yet. I just know I need to talk about it as it’s driving me crazy.
@brightOwl2869 I'm sorry sweetie 🙁 that's not a great place he's put you in🙁 you clearly love each other and you've been nothing but an amazing wife. He's a very lucky man. So it's clearly a bad addiction that I'm guessing was already starting before he met you🙁 you've tried everything you possibly can to break this addiction and it needs to stop for your sake. Perhaps the next step would be a therapist💖 whatever happens we are all here for you every step of the way 💗 gives you a giant tiny hug 💗 you are amazing 💖
@Tinywhisper11 I agree that the next step should be the psychiatrist as soon as possible.
@brightOwl2869 one single picture like that without my consent and I would be divorcing, taking legal action for unconsentual porn. That's some gigantic disrespect and I would not tolerate a single drop of it if I were you
I believe that these things appear after something goes stale, or things aren't as interesting, when one of the two is insecure or... in any case, when communication is missing between the two.
It's clear that you're willing to accept/ understand/ talk about anything. But sometimes that's not enough for the other to feel safe enough to do so. Not because you're unwilling to do more, but because he's afraid that you may be judging him. It's a loop that starts from his own insecurities and fears, love and guilts.
@brightOwl2869 I see that it will be better if you go firstly to the psychiatrist on your own then take your husband with you on the next session. Talking to a psychiatrist is Very important at this point. He can help you very much solving the problem.
