New here, in some relationship trouble
Hallo guys, I'm kind of excited to have found this place. Feels like 2000 again when I used to chat with strangers online and no one was a robot or trying to scam you :)
I'm feeling very lonely and lost in my relationship of 14 years. With my Partner (male 42J) we share 2 kids 4j and 6 months. It feels like I'm in a movie..the same story as old as time: a great love gone bad..starting strong, getting used to each other, growing apart, getting mean, hating one another, eventually break up. And it's like I'm screaming to the TV "break up already, live your life be happy". Only I can't even begin to imagine the logistics of this mess and I am absolutely sure, I can not go through with it. Seeing my kids on agreed days? Having to explain to my daughter everything and hurting her so bad. Becoming fragile, unsafe and anxious about surviving with to small kids? This stuff is either for very strong people or people who don't have a clue. I remember my divorced mother trying to live a decent life and she just had me and a good paying job. Wasn't east, didn't look like fun. I have nothing. No car, no house, an ok salary that wouldn't get me any appartment in the *** up housing crisis of the City im in. I also have no one around who could help since I am an immigrant in this country and all of my family is elsewhere. With friends it's also bleak. No serious friendships just people I meet for coffee once in a while. So I wait. I numb my self waiting for the relationship to either get better or for the kids to grow up and then I see.. what a pathetic sad situation. I'm 36, fun, sexy, love to be around people. And yet I'm alone, haven't had sex in 1 year or so and feel stuck.
So that's that. Anyone who experienced this and knows better? Or is going through it?
@Zorzeta36
You are not alone.... there are many a relationship that has gone down the hill ....the movies everyone magically has a good job and nice place without struggles.
it is hard to plan with small kids ....... what is the basic relationship like can you talk and rekindle what once was... or .. are all feelings gone? Do you know what is going on with spouse? are the problems ones you can address?
mine had health issues and made me feel like he had no interest in me to hide his inability for intimacy it grew into depression and we seemed farther and farther apart ..... i felt ugly / unwanted and lonely.
You have realized your situation and the difficult road being a single mom ... your best move is to plan if you think leaving is the only answer.
It is miserable being alone and lonely at the same time as being with your spouse... we can lose what was in the business of small kids and life .....
@toughTiger6481
Thank you so much for your answer. We were able to talk and sometimes we still are if we're in a good period. We are very different people though. I need to talk when there is a problem to feel closer to him, solve it, move on. I believe this has to do with my emotionally abusive father. When i was a kid, whenever there was a fight he would give me the silent treatment (once this lasted a whole year), demand that I apologize etc. I cut all communication with him 5 years ago but his abuse still hunts me. My partners way of dealing with fights/arguments is cooling down, no talking about it and forget it ever happened. Continuing life as if that was 'just a stupid fight'. What he probably doesn't know is that every time we have a serious fight, i go through a break up in my mind. I also feel a tone of resentment and think that it's pointless talking about problems. I think he feels this to. No matter what we say, the thing that bugged me will happen again.
@Zorzeta36
It is a thing for some men..... think be silent ignore it and it will go away when we are tired or trying to communicate and they think coast is clear they " forget" there was an issue ..... it is not solve just growing like mold .......... we are slowly moving to a place where there is no all is good lets start over is possible ....
Sometimes we NEED to tell them "this is NOT a marriage ..... we are roommates and neither of us seem happy about that " .... we do grow and change and at a certain point if you no longer know me......... it is up to HIM to make the effort to reconnect..... marriage is not a one and done .... people grow and change it is consistent work to be together. so many seem to think it is like buying a car and then never doing a tune up or oil change and seemingly are surprised when the car dies
As to how he's feeling, definitely not good. Life has gotten to him and wearing him down. Every year it's worse. It all started 1 year into our relationship at the time we moved to another country. It was hard here but we did good. Both studied again, got jobs rented a nice place, started a family. 5 years ago when our daughter was born it got really bad for him. Taling care of a baby and living this new life exhausted him. Still does. I think this life is not for him. He can't take the pressure and still be happy.
I completely understand your situation. I am also going through a divorce of 20 years with 2 kids 6 and 10 years old. If you want to talk about things I’m here to listen and share. It may help talking to someone going through a similar situation
Hi! I've read your initial post with interest, sensitivity and understanding. If you feel you would like to express yourself more and receive a caring, supportive response from the male side...with direct and professional experience of such similar situations, then please don't hesitate to make contact. It would be my privilege to try to help you with through your situation. There is usually a way forward to most of the challenges we face in life. My warmest regards to you.
Hello. My name is Rose. Im 40. I have a long drawn-out story (that I won't drown this post with) about my very long-time on-and-off boyfriend. Our daughter, the oldest is 24. We split up, had children with other people, and got back together. And I believe that so many traumatic events have happened since we've been back together, we share a trauma bond. We are each other's security but also the others' kryptonite.
I no longer feel attractive to him, I don't receive compliments or emotional support from him. It's more like we are roommates that occasionally have a good enough time, we eat dinner and have casual sex. We don't argue too much, but when we do it's about either his infidelity or my suspicion of it. When you said you "were waiting for something"...It was like you took the words right out of my mouth, that I didn't know I was trying to say. I feel as though we both know our relationship has come to its final stage, but neither one of us knows how to walk away. Neither one of us has any family, and he has a couple of friends. I don't have any. Just one and she's 2000 miles away. It's the familiarity that keeps us bonded, and past traumatic events won't allow us to trust anyone else to get close.
But nobody else knows the things he does. Simple things like what I like to eat to the more personal and private aspects of a long-term relationship. And then there are the children and financial stability.
We are waiting for something to happen but have no clue what it is, we only know the desired outcome. Almost, like we keep waiting for the other to make the first move, like when we meet, but this time it's reversed.
I'm interested in astrology, some may call it silly or fake, but I usually find a ton of similarities to my lifeline/life ups and downs and where the sun moon, and planets were on my birth and where they are currently. Oddly enough, it keeps telling me this; "It's always easier to see the beginning of something and harder to see the end". Now, I understand what that could mean...
I just wanted to say thank you for helping me put what I was thinking into words. I wish you the best in whatever decision you make, make sure to make yourself a priority too. You can't fill from an empty cup. I have 4 children, and some days I wish I would have listened to that quote, not just heard it.
I just joined this group/forum/app, (less than 30 minutes ago)I'm not sure exactly what the label is, but I can say it's helped me forget the the issues that bother me so intensely day and night that I searched for an outlet. As I've done a hundred times before.
I came across your post and it reminded me, that there are so many like us who need a stranger to help them make sense of what we are feeling.
@raspberryHickory198
Hi....I just read your message...and I did so with very sincere interest. I thought you expressed your situation and your feelings and thoughts very clearly and well...I understand fully all of it. I admire your openness and honesty. They are important foundation stones when trying to find s way through any difficult times we have. You clearly understand the importance of those already. Bring open and honest with ourselves too is an important aspect of life ...yet we often don't do enough of that. Me included!!
I'm happy to talk more with you if you think that may be of some help or support in any way. I will make you very welcome. I can only give the invitation...it's your choice to accept it or not. Whatever you choose to do, I send you my kindest wishes and thoughts...and my positive energy and strength. You will come through this time!
@Zorzeta36 hey im always feeling alone in my relationship which is why im kinda on a break from it. you need to protect your energy and find inner peace and if that means seperation to figure out whats best for you , Take it ! If you need someone to talk to im herre , we can give support to each othner .