Permission to Feel
Sometimes you just need to feel your sadness and I'm here to sit in it a little. I'm three years separated from my ex and have been in a new relationship for the past year. My boyfriend has an 8 year old son and I have a 16 year old (lives with her dad) and an 18 year old (lives with me). Dating someone who has a child has been such a fun experience; he's an amazing kid and a total sweetheart. My boyfriend's ex has a close relationship with his family and they stay in communication because of the son.
Meeting my boyfriend this "late" in life has bubbled up feelings in me that are new. While I love our relationship and our kids, I'm sad that we missed that opportunity to create family together; it's another level of intimacy and permanency in a relationship and, even bigger, in extended family.
I'm also struggling with the ages of my kids. I feel a great sense of loss, that haunts me throughout the day and gives me nightmares. Having a little one around reminds me of when my girls were that young and I miss it. I'm experiencing the classic anticipatory empty nest syndrome. I love my life, but so much of me wishes and lingers for missed opportunities in the past. It makes me sad, regretful, and displaced,
When I express my feelings to my boyfriend, it is often taken personally or presented back to me as a problem I have that I'm not doing anything to resolve. I didn't get to tell him my "deeper" feelings regarding my kids. This is typicallty the dynamic of our conversations, at least when they are feelings-based.
I work in a helping profession. I know rational versus irrational thoughts. I know "solutions" that can create closeness with his family. I'm aware I have many years ahead to continue making memories for my girls and it's great that I get to experience play again with a little one in the home. Intellectually, I know all of this, but I just need to *feel* versus stuffing.
Thank you
@marigoldens you have a great relationship with your kids 🤗 and that's the main thing. Feeling regretful of the things you didn't do, is a natural feeling I would imagine. But instead of focusing on the things you didn't do, maybe focus on the things you did, I bet you have many wonderful memories with your children ❤❤ life has changed since your children were 8 and at that time knowing you did the best you could, is all you need to know ❤❤ it's ok to be sad though, we are all here for you, we are listening. Gives you a giant festive tiny hug ❤❤
Thank you so much for normalizing and validating my experience here. You are absolutely right about not focusing on the regretful aspects of it. I had a solid good cry and reading these words of encouragement has been absolutely helpful. Thank you 😊❤️
@marigoldens awww we are all here for you ❤ a good cry always helps ❤ merry Christmas to you and your family ❤❤
Just because you have feelings of lost time, miss opportunities or regret for things we would have done in hindsight doesnt mean you dont focus on the opportunities you did take or the memories you created.
We're not robots, we are allowed to have these feelings and still appreciate what we have
Sometimes we just need to voice them out and feel understood and supported and thats all we're really looking for. We can move on from there. I'm sorry these feelings causes tension in your relationship. I think its hard to not feel that sense of displacement or loss if we feel wrong for voicing these thoughts
I would imagine
@marigoldens
Definitely supporting you on this one. Your feelings are totally valid and you deserve to be heard.
I totally relate to the frustration of being presented with solutions, when you just want someone to listen. We're always here if you want to share or vent a little.
