Relationship issues

This is understandably frustrating for you both. She finds it aesthetically unappealing to see a cluttered environment and probably feels exhausted having spent the day taking care of a baby while pregnant. You are also tired having worked all day and probably need time to sit and decompress. It’s difficult because neither of you is getting your needs met and it seems there’s no end in sight. As you both are starting to see, once children come along, it’s a full-time job. While you still have your career and a change of scenery as you go to work, she has to be available 24/7 for the baby’s needs, even above her own. It’s no doubt harder than you both thought it would be. She may have fears of being “stuck” at this point forever, not being able to get back to work eventually so she can earn money and, if necessary, be able to support herself and the kids should something happen to you. Doubts and fears creep in when hormones fluctuate. Perhaps the best thing you can do is reassure her that things won’t feel this way forever and that you’re always going to be there to support her, but that you also need to take care of yourself so you can take care of the family. No doubt you have your own feelings about what responsibilities fall on your shoulders with your growing family and perhaps opening up to her will help her see your side. In the end, family means being there for each other in whatever ways we can. By understanding what you each really need, and trying to meet those needs with understanding and patience, perhaps you can get through this difficult period and grow closer together.

I'm worried that there might be an underlying communication issue, and it is manifesting over this seemingly petty conflict.

You've mentioned that your spouse is a nice person. Do you find an argument over this unexpected? If so, do you think both of you will be agreeable to a short discussion? It doesn't need to be an elaborate affair; this chat should be born of your love for each other, and the desire to keep cherishing each other.

being a physician, you might not have much time or energy after work, but it is important that you engage with her when you aren't mentally tired. again, this is a tall order given the pace of your life, but even a short 5-minute dialogue can be extremely fruitful. In this chat, both parties should reaffirm how much you mean to each other. Both of you need to be candid about your feelings, and then take a break to digest, internalise and react to each other.

I feel that there may be problems with your dynamics, given that both of you are similar on a professional level, but she is not pursuing the same track at the moment. if that is so, encourage her to open up, and recognise that there is not a person "at fault" here. the exercise isn't one to place blame; instead, it is to recognise how your valuable relationship could be facing headwinds and that both of you love each other and are committed to dealing with them together. repeat such sessions when necessary and possible, and keep in mind that real results and improvements will take time.

all in all, remember what brought both of you together, and remind each other that conflict is part and parcel of loving someone. having the maturity and patience to work things out together is key and only helps to strengthen your relationship.

(also, i'm pretty good with dishes, and i don't charge much.)

It sounds like to me you are unhappy about this current situation. I can sense that you feel that you are being treated unfairly and the work that you are putting into this family is underappreciated. As someone who has been in a relationship before, I can tell you that nothing is ever "fair" and what makes relationships hard but also beautiful at the same time is what you do in situations like these. How do you feel about having a sit-down, open conversation with your wife where both you and your wife can share your thoughts and ideas?

@drrab88

I agree with another poster, that the actual problem might not be the dirty dishes. The washing up is so often a surrogate for an underlying issue, including in my case, so I would be suspicious that there's more to this.

You are working hard. I can totally understand the wish to relax at the end of the day. And you are providing a big resource that is supporting your family, even to the point of providing a maid to support your wife.

I read somewhere that men and women "score" tasks differently. Apparently men score a task by its size - so the bigger the job, the bigger the contribution. While apparently women score by number - the more tasks done, the bigger the contribution. This apparently can lead partners to have very differing views on the fairness of contributions. I wonder if this could be a factor in your disagreement?

I'd suggest listening to her, to see if there is more to it than the dishes. There's a couple of things that suggest to me that she might be feeling lonely and abandoned. You are working 12 hours a day to financially support your family. But what if she needs emotional support more than financial support? You've also said that a solution you are using is to ignore her. If she is feeling abandoned, this will lead to her feeling even more emotionally abandoned.

To me she is perhaps asking for help. This has been presented as help with the dishes, but I would check that it is all it is. Do you want to be the person who ignores someone asking for help?

So yes, I thoroughly agree with the posters who suggest that this might be a communication issue. And for me, maybe specifically a listening issue. Can you find time and energy at the end of the day just to listen and support and see if that helps?

Of course I might be completely wrong in all of this, and you are welcome to ignore it.

@drrab88

I am so sorry that you are having such a rough time. It's totally understandable that after an utterly exhausting 12 hour shift at work you just want to go home and not do anything. Instead of relaxing you come home to a less than empathetic spouse which gives you even more stress and no support. But perhaps I can shed some light on why she might be acting the way she is. It's always rough on new parents. Your whole life totally changes.

But the biggest change is for your wife. She used to be the same as you. A highly skilled physician who worked her butt off to get this high paying, high prestige, and high benefits job that changes people's lives for the better. But now she is stuck at home with a young child that cries, screams, and constantly needs and demands attention (aka obnoxious boss 24/7). On top of that she is pregnant so her body aches and she is soooo tired because the baby is *** all her nutrients but she can't take a minute off for herself but instead has to be available all day and night with practically no sleep (aka being an unpaid servant 24/7). She has given up her autonomy.

Yes, she does not have to go to work but that might be a major source of the problem. Being a stay at home wife taking care of the kids is unpaid and under-appreciated and thus feels unrewarding and depressing especially for a career woman like your wife who used to bring home the money (and lots of it) to pay the bills same as you. I believe that her intense need to have you do the dishes is her subconscious way of wanting you to do something to share in her burdens at home and to let her know that she is appreciated for what she does. You miss her but I do believe she misses you too.

I would say come home with something small sometimes like a box of chocolates or leave a little note in the morning for her to say how much you appreciate her for all that she does. But you deserve sympathy, love, and companionship too so I would suggest you and her have a good talk where you can be open about your feelings. When you come home from work, you are exhausted and you know she is too and you are so grateful to her for raising your children. But you need to go to work and be rested enough and de-stressed enough to be clearheaded enough to not misdiagnose someone and have a lawsuit on your hands. That would be counterproductive. But offer to at least watch your child for a couple of hours so she can take a much needed nap. I'm sure you also want to spend time with your kid so it's a win-win. If my suggestions are not helpful, I would suggest more professional counseling. I hope this helps! I'm rooting for you, your wife, and your kids!

An update.. I reached out and texted my wife, hoping to resolve this (or at least initiate resolution). You guys are amazing. Thank you for the support

@drrab88

Personally, I don't think that it is fair to expect 50/50 in your current situation. Would it be possible to get her more help due to the heavy load with a baby and another growing inside of her? You're both dealing/tackling a lot right now