36 and single for over a decade... feeling lost and lonely
Hi there!
So I'm a 36 year old man and I haven't been in a relationship since my early 20s. At the end of last year, I lost who I thought was my best friend for 12 years... found out she'd been manipulating me and gaslighting me most of the time we'd been friends. A long distance friend and a coworker who knew her basically pointed this out to me and I didn't listen until she blocked me for the fourth time in a year. Problem is, she was the ONLY friend I was seeing in person at all since covid happened.
I've been comfortable going out and having fun alone for a long time, and going to amusement parks alone is admittedly a guilty pleasure of mine. The problem is, being a single man over 35, everybody anywhere NEAR my age is paired off and keeps to themselves. No matter what I do. Everybody who's unattached is a teenager. I've lost the few local friends I've had because they're either too afraid of covid to ever leave the house again, or they are too busy with their spouses and raising families.
I've tried dating since I left my last girlfriend. I've tried many different apps, I've tried going out in public, I've tried all sorts of things, but I can't tell you how many times I've heard that I'm everything a woman doesn't want, or the classic "Oh you're so nice! Let's be friends!" followed by her complaining about the guy she's sleeping with this week. And I don't like sports or cars, and I've heard plenty of times that "Eww I've never met a guy like that!" It definitely seems like everybody good got married by the time they turned 24. Most of the friends I've had are female, and they don't treat me that way. But, my remaining friends all live in other states or countries.
My last girlfriend did help me move out of my mom's house (Mom married an abusive man and still clings to him...) but ever since we broke up, it seems like I've been cursed, and the older I get, the lonelier I've been getting.
It's not so much that I want to force a relationship to happen, but it seems to be the only way to not be lonely at my age. I don't know what to do anymore. I go out plenty, but I feel like an island in a sea of couples. One thing that's helped me feel a bit more at ease is getting shirts with my favorite female characters on them and wearing them in public, because I just want to put out there that I'm not a normal guy.
I'm not sure what to do anymore. I work in a factory and have nothing in common with my coworkers. It also doesn't help that the people I get along best with are extremely introverted nerds... and people mistake me for that all the time. I want to be more social than I can be.
You're alright, Kiwi 🤗 Maybe you're going for the wrong type of woman. You don't have to be anything, but what you are. Lots of women like the bad boy type, but he always breaks hearts and the nice guy is overlooked. Now that I'm older and wiser, I appreciate that nice guy type.
By the way...I've been single for awhile too. I have a special needs child and that makes it hard to find time to meet anyone.
Thanks for the reply. There just doesn't seem to be anyone left nearby who isn't into the bad boy type or looking for someone to watch sportsball with. The type I'm looking for all seemed to get married in their early 20s. People still get married really young here. Ironically, I generally get along better with women than with men due to my interests, but the few friends I do have don't have time for me, or I lost them due to jealous husbands/boyfriends. I don't even know where to go to meet anybody because I've been to all sorts of venues, fairs, festivals, concerts, community events, etc. and everybody is all paired up.
And the whole "nice guy" term turned into something I don't ever want to be, a whiny manchild who complains that women are out to get him. lol
Do you know MeetUp?
Depending of where you are in the World, I find that activities there tend to gather Singles a lot.
I forgot to precise: Singles of all ages 😊.
I did check out MeetUp, and nothing is happening anywhere near me for a while...
@imaginativeKiwi877
Would it be possible for you to go on organized travels? I just thought about it. I used to travel a lot alone and meet a significant amount of people on my way. But I can understand if it feels intimidating to do it at your age (it is for me at least despite my experience 😅 and I am only two years younger than you).
I haven't done anything like that before. I've traveled alone before, but getting time off of work to do that now might be a problem. I started a new job in 2021 that... well, I've got issues there too. I feel so lost...
Hi Kiwi , my partner shot his shot with me 2 yrs ago. He’s turning 41 in February. I’ll be 36 soon . He found me on *** and kept on following me for years and literally lived down the st from each other lol. Turns out it’s a friend of a mutual friend. So that’s how it all started. We are not perfect and have had or ups and downs . Both of us had been single; him for 10 and I for about 8 yrs. we both dated and had sexual encounters but nothing serious. I gotta say I agree with you . Dating get tough as you get older. But what I’m saying here is don’t give up. You got this! Remember you have to be in a masculine state so always pursue, but take care of yourself too.
I have to be in a masculine state? I'm not really all that masculine, nor do I ever want to be. I dress like a man, but I love cute stuff and nerdy stuff. I don't really have any local friends left, or any connections other than my dad's side of the family... and they haven't been helpful here at all.
@imaginativeKiwi877
Hey Kiwi
Good to hear back from you. By masculine , I meant that you have to pursue the ladies if you’re interested , to give and provide. You can still love cute and nerdy stuff. I Can related to you, I have no friends at all , and my partner works in different country, so times do get lonely even in a relationship. Try searching local events and gatherings of your interest to see if you can socialize with some people that like the same stuff you do. Maybe find a new hobby like working out at the gym .
I've been on the outlook for a new relationship too! When I get down on myself about it, I try to remember that people can feel that energy and see it on my face, and surely that will only slim my chances further.
As hard as it is, try not to pay other couples much attention.
And always be who you are, and someone some day will see that and value it.
If you have any friends who can help guide about what you could be doing wrong then it'd be a good idea to get some constructive feedback.
Oh, and if you're still single at 36 then surely not all the good ones were taken in their 20s 😉 if your internal dialogue is all about how the good people are taken then that's all you're going to see
Thanks for your reply. I don't really have any local friends left. I have a few long distance friends in other countries and states, but ever since the person I thought was my best friend for 12 years blocked me, well, she was the only friend I was seeing in person at all.
It's hard not to pay other couples any attention when it's all couples everywhere and I don't really have anyone to talk to anywhere. There have been a few women I've talked to, but then their boyfriend or husband inevitably shows up and they walk away. It's freaking everywhere. And I don't want to go after teenagers for obvious reasons.
@imaginativeKiwi877 Maybe time to try some different, like a dating consultant. Check out Relationship Hero. See link below
I have also been single from now time now what i have realized is guys want me for sex and then they avoid me relationship are complicated nowdays i have given up hope completely on relationship i just feel used for sex
Hah, I've had that happen too. Women have tried to use me for sex as well. But I'm not really trying to force a relationship or sex to happen... it just seems to be the only way to not be lonely around here. Nobody has time for friendships anymore in their 30s in my area, so I lost pretty much all my local friends.
hi i can help you
@ayeshaa10
What kind of person are you? Do u live among us? Are you reptilian?
She's so unlucky girl that she didn't see good inner of you. Don't loose hope, oneday you will surely meet your soulmate. Its just a matter of time. Don't defined those people into yours life. You are a nice boy, and today's people don't see qualities. But bad and good people are everywhere.
@imaginativeKiwi877 hello I would like to talk more I saw the subject of your Post and I would like to be a listening ear. Please reach out if you need to.
I'm 38 and so appreciate your sharing on singleness and loneliness. It is extremely hard to find deep or long lasting connections, or people that share your values, not just interests.
While I have a partner, I must say loneliness doesn't always magically go away when in a relationship.... Sometimes even relatively healthy relationships can be heartbreaking (the miscommunications, conflicts, two-face-edness, gender-divide issues, major differences in the "love languages" that two people express).
Please take heart and know that love and relationship will make it into your life, keep up your interests, activities, humor and self-care. Those are the most important....
Another thing to consider is that by living independently and growing yourself this whole time, you are developing yourself into a stronger and more resilient person. You know who you are, you know what you're looking for 👍
@imaginativeKiwi877 I relate here because I have few friends in person anymore, for various reasons (mostly mental health related), and I have personally decided not to pursue relationships anymore. The loneliness can be physically painful at times. I do want to say that I've made some wonderful friends here, and that in person support groups can also be a great place to relate to people and make connections. I still have a good friend who I met at a support group over a decade ago. I'm sorry that dating has been such a struggle. It's not ideal out there, I know all too well. I do know someone who spent a long time alone and then met his person when he was in his forties, and they've been happy ever since. I hope that you find more connections and everything you are looking for.