Age 37: I have been ghosted by my long term partner
Dear All,
I hope you are all doing well.
I have been in a committed relationship for almost three years. We lived together, we were a part each other families, we had plans for the future. Friends, family and colleagues always perceived us a great match - so did I.
I always thought our relationship made us both better people, and enriched both of us a lot in different ways.
However all of this drastically changed last January. During the Christmas vacation both of my parents got a brain stroke in the same week, with severe consequences.
Being an only child, I had lots to deal with and I needed support. In this conditions, my boyfriend vanished. One day I took him to the airport and, right before leaving, he said he felt like he didn’t deserve me and.. he left.
Without saying a word, he moved out of our house and switched off his phone.
After a month he tried to re-approach me again, it seemed he wanted to fix things.. but a week later he vanished again.
He refuses any contact, he even refuse to take responsibilities over certain issues he caused.. I had solve issues with our car, our rent, a robbery that happened under his supervision, and all these responsibilities are falling on me.
He was the person I trusted the most, and he has been ghosting me for almost 3 months.
I feel lots of anger toward him. I feel used and put away. And given the fact he refuses to talk to me, I don’t know how to get closure.
I also feel lonely and I am afraid I never will able to make a family on my own… I am indeed in my late thirties.
How can manage my anger? And how can I move on?
That is so wrong. I am so sorry.
He should give you closure. 3 years and no closure? That is inhumane...
But it's on him. Not you.
You will have to let him go and look for someone else. You still have plenty of time.
I'm past my chance to have children so I get that. It is hard but you can adopt. Please stay strong
I was basically thrown out and ghosted too by my partner of 3 years. I’m so sorry this happened to you. I absolutely understand the anger and the feeling of helplessness when you get no closure. I’m still working on the anger myself. Just want to let you know you aren’t alone.
thanks… how did you overcome this? I am having such an hard time
Lots of anger, wine 😂 I think it was just sheer will. After I moved, I had to hit the ground running with my new job and new location. I knew if I let the pain get to me and breakdown, I would be screwing up my life over a loser. The first three months were me on autopilot working my ass off, coming home and drinking wine 3 nights a week because I couldn’t sleep.
So I would say, time is your friend. It’s been 7 months, and I’m not out of the woods yet. I’m more clear headed, so I’m able to sleep better and I’ve cut drinking down to one night a week and I’ve been working out more. I’m not where I want to be, but looking back to 7 months ago I am loads better. I also have a therapist 2 times a month and luckily I have great parents and a brother who I can talk to candidly. So make sure you have a support system (I’m 4 hrs from my family and I haven’t made friend yet, so mine is small), get some pets, and when your pissed- go work out!! I get my best workouts when I’m pissed off. Also, you really have to just know deep down that the shitty behavior was on him. That speaks to his character, not yours! Know that you were brave enough to love with an open heart and honesty, and his weak character is not able to.
You have every right to feel anger and any other/every other emotion you have or will have. I wish I had the words to ease your pain. At the very least, it seems to me that you now know what he's made of. His true colors came out, and awful as it is, I would think (putting myself in your shoes) that I would rather know sooner than later what this man is capable of. However, that doesn't take away the shock and pain. :(
I'm really sorry you are experiencing this. ❤️ Just wanting you to know your post didn't go unheard.
Thank you InquireWithin.
I am trying so hard to move on… but I am becoming little hopeless. I put lots of effort in this relationship, and to be honest I was genuinely happy. Now… how can I trust people again? I am also a suicide surviver… so not easy
@Taramby85
It's tough what you've been through. My mentor just directed me how to help someone with anger issue, for example.
click on browse listeners https://www.7cups.com/BrowseListeners/
click on More filters to the right, next to the search button
In the menu that opened you can narrow down the search by using for example grief & anger
for anger you could select the topic "Managing Emotions", click search
If you're willing to try it, then maybe you can find someone who can help you guide through it.
I hope all the best for you. Take care.
Thank you, I will look at the links. I found indeed a therapist to talk things through. Not easy..
ambra
@Taramby85
I'm so sorry for all that you've been through. Being ghosted is one of the worst kinds of separation. When someone you hold so dearly to your heart just disappears without giving you an explanation, it can leave you with a mixed feeling. Anger, disappointment, and sadness are surely among them.
I hope you're not feeling this, but be careful not to wonder if you're the source of the problem and that you deserve it. You had a lot to deal with. And the feeling of helplessness could lead you to think that you're part of the problem, which can make you feel even worse.
But it's not true. Because partners should stick together during good and bad times. It's awful when someone shows you their true colors when you need their understanding and support the most. And the thing he said, about him thinking he didn't deserve you. I supposed it could make you feel even more unsettled.
Because he made it seem like he cared about you, but his action didn't show that. The least he could do was to let you know why he left. And yet, he just left you with the feeling of uncertainty and made it hard for you to move forward in processing what happened between you two, in addition to the issues you already have to deal with.
I understand how you feel. My situation was quite different than yours. But I've experienced all those emotions too. It took me years to get to a better place in my situation because I chose to deal with it all alone and didn't have anyone to talk about it to.
I'm glad you're here and trying to talk to someone about your situation. Having someone who makes you feel less lonely in your emotion could help make you feel a bit better. And sometimes, there are things we already know but just need to hear from someone else.
I read that you found a therapist to talk things through. I hope it can help you feel better. You can also talk to me if you want. Feel free to leave me a message when I'm not available. I'll get back to you when I am.
I am trying, but… I don’t really see any important improvement. It has been three months since he disappeared and I am very strong up&downs. I don’t know how to deal with the pain with the sense of loss.
he destroyed me. I needed closure and he refused it
@Taramby85
i am very sorry that you are going through this. Nothing I can say will take this pain away and you are in pain. It may manifest itself as anger. It may manifest itself as depression. But it is pain.
Sometimes we get betrayed when the other in the relationship just drops everything and runs. No matter what they say is the reason, no matter how noble or ignoble, it just leaves us in mid air with no net. We know we have to move on, but how to do that?
you will move on, because you have to…because time for us is linear…everything is going to keep on moving. You have already demonstrated that you have the inner need to get things done and to nurture. You will find yourself in another committed relationship and it will be better because you will have a clearer understanding of your needs. You will understand the risks, but you will love again.
in the meantime, you will grieve and go through all the steps of grieving, because you lost your love. Because you love deeply, that is going to hurt and for a long time. I’ve been there. Don’t let that discourage you. Love is worth the risk, the pain and the mess.
you will have a family. For now, I challenge you to look around and see your spirit family. The whole world is ours. Some of them are real jerks. Some are real creeps. But some of them are truly wonderful. Don’t let this destroy what is so beautiful about you. In time you will be proud of your scars. You will teach your children with them and make some really courageous members of The Family.
much affection…been there…done that…it does get better N
Sounds like you have every right to be angry. It is hard to imagine a context in which your former partner’s behavior is anything but very selfish and immature.
Thank you.
after 5 months and a few session with a Psychologist I start to feel better.
his behavior has been unspeakable and I don’t want a person like this in my life. I don’t need his closure anymore because… I found my own.
I hope I’ll be able to move on and start a life with someone who is as serious as I am.
:) thanks for your support
I can kinda relate. I've been with my partner for 1½ years and things have been progressively going downhill since late last year. The last time we truly enjoyed each other's company was our anniversary in December. Since then, we've been spending less and less time together and fighting more and more. I used to hear from her first thing in the morning when she wakes up, but now I don't hear from her until someone in the afternoon. It's not like we didn't have our problems that comes with any relationship does; and of course neither of us are innocent of anything with those problems. But I feel like I'm getting ghosted just like you when all I want is to fix things and work out our issues. It seems the more I try to do the right thing and be a better man, the more she continues to push me away. I honestly am still feeling anger, guilt and depression from all this and don't know what to do or how I can find out of it. Just wanted to tell you that you're not alone and all I can think of is to just keep pushing on in life and don't dwell on anything. There should be a light at the end of the tunnel, but we have to look for it. Good luck to you
Dear Taramby85,
I am truly sorry to hear what happened to you. I cannot imagine your hardships and I pray you find a way to heal to find peace. You can message be or other listeners to have support during this difficult time in your life. All the best! Take care.
Have you ever tried meditation? Do you have a faith you believe in?
