Betrayal/infidelity/depression

@Spencerxryan

I have been cheated on multiple times, Girlfriends, Fiancee's my ex wife.

There were a few things that did help, Talk to her, tell her how you feel betrayed and that you no longer trust her and exactly how it felt, yes i know this sounds harsh but remember they are the ones who caused this.

2 If you want to try to make it work do not give ultimatums it turns into resentment you may need to seperate for a few weeks, stay at a friends place or family and plan a few date nights or even video chats at the very least and do not bring up the cheating unless she does, reason i say to avoid it at first it's because you need to heal and those thoughts are going to run through your head often, keep it civil and talk about how your day went, what your planing to do tomorrow ect... it will help move forward.

3. Make a plan for starters: Plan onto having a convo about where your head space is at. Are you ready to come back home, Do you need more support, or if you are too hurt make a plan onto leaving. Sometimes things don't work out and the best thing for you is to leave in order for you to heal.

4 Surround yourself with as much positive as you can, you may not see it right away, but family friends even go to a meet up night from an other site for your city have a blast and enjoy a board game night at a venue where they meet up. You're going to need time for yourself so pick up a hobby like guitar playing or in my case Bass guitar i dont play with a pic because i expel more energy... Heck try a martial art like judo just keep busy.

5 Keep a journal. Sometimes you may not have the opportunaty to be able to talk to someone, so write down what you feel and it's just for you.

6 try new things. I know this is a lot but the more you cram things the more the bad goes in the background and the more you can calmly and logically think and talk about the issue with your significant other.

Hey buddy. I haven't been cheated on but I have been betrayed, over and over. I totally relate to the codependency. I was unable to leave for the exact same reason. Another person mentioned no ultimatums, and getting some space.

My wife lied to me, over, and over again. At first I forgave her, then I gave ultimatums. The behavior never stopped and out relationship got worse. I couldn't follow through with the threats, which made all future ones hollow. I couldn't bring myself to hold her accountable, and she found it was easier to deal with my hurt than my anger and continued to lie until I would catch her again. Wash, rinse, repeat.

She ended up getting going to jail for lieing in her professional life. It forced us to be apart. I gave her benchmarks she had to hit from jail to come home. She's hit them. She comes home next week. She has additional bench marks until she can stop sleeping in the guest room.

I don't know how this will turn out for me. But sometimes you need the space to self reflect on how you are handling it. Until she wants to get better, you can't do anything to save your marriage.

She was more concerned with hurting her lover than you. That's not a good sign, but possible she didn't internalize it in the same way. You need counseling at best. Probably marriage, and individual for both of you.

I feel connected to your situation. I've been lurking on this thread until I was in a good enough head space to reach out. I'm thinking about you brother.

Are there kids involved? I have two young ones. If not for them I would be divorced, or worse. If there aren't kids involved, you might take a hard look at what this relationship is doing yo your me talk health.

How long you've been married, and your age is also something to take into account. Just pragmatically.

Good luck, stay strong, and I'm here.

Lawyer up, file for divorce , go on

@Spencerxryan I'm sorry to hear that you going through this incredibly painful experience. Infidelity can cause so much devastation in a relationship and rebuilding trust and moving forward from it is exceptionally hard. I would say that it is not impossible, but only if you are both completely committed to working together as a team and that you both want to salvage your marriage. I would recommend couples therapy as it sounds like the extent of the damage is severe. But I know that therapy is not always an option for some for many reasons. There is a world-reknowned therapist called Esther Perel (https://www.ted.com/talks/esther_perel_rethinking_infidelity_a_talk_for_anyone_who_has_ever_loved?language=en)who is an outstanding psychologist, specializing in infidelity between couples and she has a series of enlightening podcasts freely available that are live-recordings from real-life couples counselling sessions that she conducts with couples struggling with their partners having cheated. Perhaps you will be able to find comfort in her sessions and it may also give you some perspectives in terms of how to begin the healing process once you feel ready to embark on that.

@Spencerxryan

This rough phase of your life. The road to heal is not easy. I had been to similar situation but did not still healed completely.

But I can say what mistake I made. Which get me into more worst situation.

Give time to yourself. Dont focus on repairing ,focus on healing yourself.

The insecurity ,the hurt you felt need to heal first. Ask for time .. as advice in one post do that activity.

Once you r in state of mind to talk to her. Know what she want now. Her readiness to improve relationship is important because both effort r equally needed. Else their will be void forever. You would not be able to forgive or feel better.

If she show positive than ask the reason see if it can sorted. Counseling ccan be done.

I was v scared when I came to knew I was hurt but I was fear of being alone and feeling I had.

But later after few month I start getting hurt .. I start feeling insecure.because i start asking where r u and know doubt.. the person csnt tolerate sometime. It lead to more complication

But many partner had heal and more strong. So best of luck. Will pray you be more strong.

@Spencerxryan I'm so sorry you are having a hard time. Try watching "Affair Recovery" on YouTube. Their videos helped me greatly.

@Spencerxryan

One I wanted to drop some condolences.

and two

I understand that hurt and painful memories are gonna keep flooding your head. I may not have ever experianced this (for I am just becoming of a teenager And have never been in a relationship) I could only imagine what your going through. But yet here I am gonna attempt to give advice. IF you DONT feel loved or care for dont stay in a relationship. Its gonna hurt you. It CAN and WILL destroy your life (I have seen it happen to someone else before, twice) I also say follow what your heart and souls says. HOWEVER I will not be the kinda gal the tells you to "man up and and move on"

I wish you the best of luck. may peace and tranquility be of your future.

@Spencerxryan

I would personally move out and call it a day with her, anybody that cheats has no excuse for it but absolute betrail of you're honor and you as a person. Women do this to find the next branch on the tree before calling it a day with their current partners, same with ghosting, mind games and such blanking you while at the same time showing a lot of interest texting other people on phones or online social media sites. They are true survivalists and will get rid of any good bloke if they think they can obtain more from another. In a lot of marages the bloke leaves with the clothes on his back and will not and do not take much if there are kids involved, women using this aquire about 90% of the split using the kids as their ammunition to justify it. Ive seen it so many times. WE ARE NOT SLAVES TO WOMENS NEEDS. Enough!!!!!!!!!!!!.

I am so so so sorry youve been through this, any women or for that matter bloke who does this completely does NOT respect you or give a stuff about marriage vows.

Blokes are hard wired to be hunter gatherers and bring it back to the family, women use this against us because this is at the core of a mans existence. If the bloke doesnt bring enough in or meet the high standards a women sets in her head what he is suppose to provide, they are ditched and another model is taken in place but normally not got rid of until the next one is a sure thing. Thats survivalism.

Blokes are not as daft as women think.

And if you think Im being sexist here, Im actually not, women generally have core goals in life, find a bf, engaged, married, have kids, morgage etc happy families and they strive to achieve that in their lives with you or with someone else. Very few women in the world go a different way, thats why you see everybody in the world almost all doing the same thing, living in a box in a street in a town in a country all playing happy families.

Blokes are not slaves to society and neither are women but come on ladies, treat blokes fairly dont just use them to exist or play survivalism till a better bloke comes along.

Agree/disagree love what I said or hate it, but its true in a majority of relationships otherwise why would they be in relationships if not to play happy families.

@Spencerxryan Hi,I was cheated on and was able to heal from the situation. I am sorry to hear about your pain and I hope that you will be able to heal someday also.

@Spencerxryan

I just wanted to say I'm sorry you're going throught this. And I'd like to remind you that you are significant, important and you deserve to be loved fully.

It's okay to give yourself time to heal. Talk to her about this, express your anguish and sorrow, as voicing your hurt and pain can be healing. Most importantly, take things at your own pace.