Crying about my ex of 2 years

Hello :( I’ve been crying about my ex all day today, we broke up in April which has been months ago… I don’t really know what triggered me to start back crying about him, I’ve been doing okay these past months not thinking about him and trying to continue moving on, try not to think about him but I guess what triggered me was, I seen his name and I just started crying? :( And ever since then, I’ve been crying about him today. I just got done a few minutes ago crying again about him, and it hurts so much. I don’t know what to do. We were together for 2 years. I know he has moved on and has been dating someone new for a while now but why do I still miss him? After all these months? Deep down, I still miss him. And the worst thing about it is that there’s nothing I can do about it.

I remember a few days ago I told my friend that I realized that how can I find my soulmate when I already lost my soulmate? But she said that he wasn’t my soulmate because he was very toxic and stuff. :( He was a very sweet guy to me and treated me well. But when it came to me wanting to tell him how I felt and such, he would get upset with me. After he broke up with me, he said that he had to “babysit me” and that I would always ask him how was his day or how was he after he got back from practice and he said that he wanted to tell me to “stfu” when I asked him that. Meaning me caring about him irritated him and made him mad, that’s basically what those words were saying.

Sometimes he used to treat me so nice one day and then the next day, he would act cold towards me and didn’t care if he made me cry or not because of it. I remember telling my friend and they made him apologize to me because he wouldn’t apologize on his own. He often said it was because he was “tired” but that has nothing to do with how he treats people. Fast forward to the hours before he broke up with me, the reason he broke up with me was because I was asking him 2 questions and he couldn’t answer them. And he had been acting weird, he was sad and wanted to be left alone I guess. But the way he told me to leave him alone really hurt my feelings when all I wanted to do was be there to comfort him. I sent him a voice message a few hours later asking him did he still want to be left alone still because he kept leaving me on seen, he responded “yeah leave me the fuck alone until I feel better”. Didn’t care that he made me cry or anything… I can see if he said that he just needed some alone time but he told me to leave him alone like that, in a very rude way. A few hours after that/ day after (I cannot remember when) he broke up with me. He also used the b*tch word in one of his sentences like the recent guy I ended friendship with.

I still sit and wonder, could we go back to April, I still think about how I should of just left him alone and not tried to express my feelings to him and just wait until he felt better to text me back. But me, being the worried, want to know what’s wrong girlfriend, I kept asking him question and kept asking him why, he got upset with me and broke up with me. That day, really broke me into a million pieces. I couldn’t do nothing, but just sit there and cry. I’ll never forget it. I had fallen into a very depressive state after, which has been hard to get out of.

But why do I sit here and still cry for someone who left me like I didn’t mean anything to them? Why do I still think about the situation and what could have been different? Why can’t I move on like he did and find someone else? I can’t do those things because I loved him with all my heart. I know I’m just a teenager but, I really loved and cared about him. Despite how he treated me once he broke up with me and said some horrible stuff to me, why do I still cry for him?

And then, he also said, that when I say “I’m bored” he would get mad at me for saying that too and wanted me to stfu. Then, he said, when I talked about me being sad, he said that he was just trying to live his life and stuff etc and wake up to happy texts from his gf and not sad ones. He also told me I could vent to him, but he never listened to me when I did vent to him :( He would basically skip over the messages. One thing I know, I didn’t just vent to him all the time or stuff like that to make him overwhelmed, I asked him could I vent to him beforehand, because don’t know what others are dealing with. But he never listened to me when he did agree to read my vents.

Then said I didn’t ever listen to him when he told me to go eat, said that I was starving myself… when in reality I didn’t have any interest in eating food. I was actually in a really dark place, thought about self harm, cried everyday, thought I’d never be happy, I felt really hopeless. But he made me smile and made me feel better… but at the same time, I felt so alone because I had no one to talk to, I couldn’t even talk to him about what was wrong because he would just say “oh” and ignore what I’m feeling. I cried for like 4/6 months straight about our breakup.