New and Truly Lost
Brand new here. I am 44 and have been married for 24 years. We have 4 kids together and the youngest is 13. My wife is a good woman, loyal and faithful, but is 6 years older than me and very low energy with limited interests. She never really was big on doing stuff with the kids, but played along and I always was disappointed with that. I plan every trip, every weekend, every vacation.
I work a lot and have our entire marriage, but have always made time for the family. In fact, I made my life the kids. Every free minute and weekend was doing something with them showing them something; they were my best friends. But now they are all older and only my 13 year old really ever wants to do anything with me. I know that will end soon. I have good relationships with my older children but one is married with a kid of his own and lives far away, one is in college and the third is 17 and moody as is to be expected. I find myself wishing to get through each highly stressful work week and get to the evening or weekend, but when I get there, find nothing to do; no purpose without my kids.
My wife and I have little real relationship. We love each other, but we have no real common interests. We watch TV in our free time (I have to find and pick the show or movie) and she usually reads a book, is in her phone or falls asleep. The only thing she really ever wants to do is to go out to eat which is often the last thing I want to do after a long day. She likes date nights and we have gone on many but for years she just always wanted to get away from the kids and all I wanted to do was be around them. She had been a stay at home Mom for years and I have worked forever so I get it; we have different days and different ideas of unwinding. But I always felt like we had few years with the kids and should take advantage. My parents never did anything with us when we were young and I did not want to be like that. I felt like we would half the second half of our lives to be together without kids. Maybe that was wrong.
We have very little intimacy. Years ago, I had let myself go from working, traveling and generally being unhealthy. Our love life was completely dead. She was not in the best shape either, but I always had the same interest. I talked to her about it a lot and she had said it was just her and low energy. I decided to do something. I lost 100 pounds 6 years ago and have maintained great shape since then. Our love life picked up to a blistering pace, but after a while, faded. If I do not initiate, it does not happen. If I do she is always up for it, but I can never figure out why I have to go to her.
All of this is making me quite lonely and feeling like I have no purpose. My kids don't need me (except the occasionally help), or really show an interest in what is going on with me and I am very worried when they are all gone my wife and I will have nothing to talk about or do and no spark. We talk about that a lot and she acknowledges it, but every conversation simply ends with a shoulder shrug and the same thing day after day. She will often say yes I know, you will probably divorce me when the kids are gone and I say, no, why can't we fix it now and it never really goes anywhere.
My job is stressful and I find every day hard to get through. I feel a change in myself. I used to be happy, funny, crazy, spontaneous, but find myself being unmotivated, low energy and emotionless seemingly matching the people around me. I have very little free time; an hour or two in the AM to work out, evening hours and the weekend. I feel every weekend we are going to get out do something, but I have to be the one to suggest something or plan something, my wife will never suggest anything or organize anything and even if I take the lead it takes so much effort to get anyone to get on board that by the end of each weekend we have done little to nothing and another work week begins. I have friends online and a few in person friends I keep in touch with throughout the country. Occasionally we do things together, but we all have limited time and a lot going on.
Long post, but I feel rudderless. I want to have a deep and passionate relationship with my wife. I want my kids to still be kids. I worry about a boring, tedious life ahead. I have tried everything short of real therapy. I have had hundreds of conversations with my wife and sometimes friends about this and it never changes. I am working hard to retire in about 10-15 years and we talk about traveling and taking up hobbies and doing things, but it's hard to picture my wife who can't seem to stay awake, get off the couch after 5P and is always napping or just playing a game in her phone doing that stuff. I feel like I worked so hard in my job, on my kids, on my relationship and I will find out after all that, I have nothing to show for it. I will finally get to a point in my life where I have all the time in the world to enjoy it and there will be no one and nothing there. Open to any and all suggestions to turn this thing around.
@consideratePal4284
It is a big transition when kids grow up and need us less and less. I admire your wanting to spend time with your kids that you did not get as a child. The idea we will have a life when kids are grown or someday.. IMO is a marriage killer. we can not rekindle something we left on simmer for years.
The low energy issue and perhaps the out of shape has your wife seen a physician? Maybe you will need couples counseling to get to the true heart of the matter. A third party to referee is sometimes needed even if we can "talk". talking and really communicating are different.
Underlying resentment about having to do everything or initiate every thing gets old .... putting in effort to change losing weight doing what it takes.... and a partner just there is defeating and made me angry when i went through it. Maybe she felt indifferent as your focus was on kids and she felt down the list of priorities. IT is hard to discuss because we put up with these feeling so long.
what does she want now?
do your ideas of life mesh? because we do not feel like going along " for the kids" when they no longer are children but grown.....
@toughTiger6481 @toughTiger6481 Thank you for the reply.
I was angry, now I am just exhausted. Yes, I realize fully I put too much emphasis on the kids as they were growing up. I made my life too much about them. On the flip side, it's all we really had because if I left it to her, we would do nothing. I have even told her that several times. I just get a yeah. Conversations are mostly one sided. No ideas, thoughts, plans. I ask her what she wants or how she sees the future and I don't get much or just parroting of whatever I said. I believe she would be happy with 50 more years of just the same.
To be fair whatever I say we should do or a hobby we should get into, she is agreeable. But it's always my idea and it's exhausting keeping her interested. I also feel like I am just forcing what I want on her. If I press I only ever get let's go out to dinner or get some drinks. We likely do need to talk to someone together. Not sure how that will be received, but I am skeptical. She will agree to anything but never follows through.
Things are not bad. We do not fight much, and if we do it's about disagreements over the kids. I want the kids to be decent people, have futures and that means tough choices. She is very much path of least resistance, whether that is to ignore something, downplay it, hope it goes away or just tell them what they want to hear to get them to go away. She does say she longs for the kids to be grown and on their own, but I always say and then what?
She has seen a doctor several times for hormonal medicines for energy and weight fluctuations. She also has been on depression meds for a long time. She is tired always. The only time I see energy is when her family comes to visit. I get along great with her family and she will stay up late and be very energetic and talkative, but to them, not me. I always say man why can't that happen with just us? I don't get much.
A few times she has suggested parties at the house and we have had a few. Again, she talks to everyone but me. I feel excluded. I point it out, she just says sorry. Also when we have people over the kids do not exist to her so I have to run double duty entertaining and keeping an eye on them.
Nothing works. I tried to give her what she wants. For a period we went out to dinner just us every week. She enjoyed the dinner and drinks, but was then the same at home. I thought maybe she is tired of mundane house chores. Hired a maid. Same. Still tired, still blah. I encouraged her to get a job even though we do not need the money. Just to get out more. She volunteered at the school and a charity, but lost interest and quit. She got a job at a vet, but again, eventually lost interest and quit. I encourage her to go out with her friends, have lunch, get coffee whatever.
When I met her she was a single mom that was fiercely independent, the life of the party, social, strong, energetic. It's been different for at least 15 years now. Today is a day off for everyone. I have been up for 4 hours, ate, worked out, ready to do something. She just got up at about 10, said good morning then to the couch, phone and TV. I asked what she wants to do today. IDK. What do you want to do? I say whatever you want let's do it. OK. Back to the couch. I'll probably take the two youngest boys out somewhere. She will likely pass on going per usual.
I am gonna keep working at it. Possibly suggest we talk to someone together.
@consideratePal4284
I can relate if i did not plan .... if i did not come up with ideas we would be watching TV we have seen numerous times. if she finds no joy/ interest and shows energy when with others or short term like a few months is to a job or hobby..... there is a reason...
Do you know what she is lost in on her phone? what might spark her interest other then others... while you might have bought the she did not notice or mean to ignore you but my guess is she knew.
it is weird to be in a disconnected relationship being nice to appease the other ... not sure if we want to start anew or just stay the status quo. it is not fair to you ... OR her to miss happy /excited and instead settle for comfortable.
@consideratePal4284 Welcome!✨🤍 Sending lots of love to you! ❤️❤️ I wish you find the support you're looking for here 🍀 Have a great day! 🐾💕
If you don’t mind I’ll share my experience.
My ex husband used to say the same about me: I didn’t plan fun, couldn’t organize the vacation ets. Haven’t had any interests etc ( he never counted that having full time kids and working hard can be exhausting and after all you just want to stay still and look at the wall)
He had more his own money and free time to have fun. He came back from his solo vacations refreshed when I could not find any energy even go out.
Then he divorced. Because he deserves to be surrounded by happy people. Being with someone who is so low and depressed wasn’t healthy choice for him. So he’s left
Why I’m sharing all this.. maybe it makes sense to check her for depression, check hormones and etc(in my case there were problems in both and this lead to low energy and life interest)
Maybe there more then just your view of the situation. You can try family therapy if you comfortable to talk about it and looking for a solution to stay together and fine the way how to fix things
Anyway wishing you both to find a happy solution
@marsborn and @consideratePal4284
Thanks for sharing your experiences! It made me think of mine in the context of both of yours.
After 15+ years, I finally saw how I needed to grow up and grow more into myself. I was the follower in the marriage, and my wife was the initiator and planner. She was the life of the party, and I was the one who preferred to stay home (even though for most of the marriage I tried to keep up with her and her vision).
Only towards the end, I took a hard look at myself and started to see that my introvertism and quiet nature weren't deficiencies, they were qualities that deserved appreciation (from me); furthermore, once our first child reached about age 3, I also started to dig in my heels around the activities and experiences I wanted for our children to have. Before their birth it was easy to be agreeable, theoretically, but when money, time, and the involvement of families and community came into the mix, I was not prepared to stand by any of the things I supported before.
I guess what I’m trying to say is it may be difficult to discover the reason why one person seems more invested than the other, in the family and the marriage. The person in question might be totally oblivious themselves and say that everything is fine (which was my case). I believe a good therapist may be able to recognize what’s going on and draw the truth out of the client skillfully. That wasn’t my case. It took me about 10 years to begin to feel my truth … then another 5 years to start facing it, and then another 5 years to finally own it.
Although I have no regrets, for anyone reading this—I recommend starting as soon as possible to get to that truth.
@consideratePal4284. I am in no way shape or form qualified to give you advice. I am a mess and much younger, but I digress. If your wife is not willing to change for you like you are for her, that will no be a life you'd want. If you make more friends out on weekends instead you'd learn to love your kids from a distance and your wife won be a bad linger in your supposed happy future. I suggest doing what you think is best but your kids will always love you, your wife is not somebody who puts effort into love. She is a lost cause in my opinion because love is something those want to cherish and keep rather than let waste away.
Wow, that was a lot. I feel your pain.
So what is your plan going forward?
Wow, you have a lot to say about life
Sounds like your lost