Silently frustrated, need Advice please
I am 37, a married, pregnant, soon to be first time mom with 4 step children(Adults really, ages of 17-23) whom ALL live with us. I work literally everyday with my husband, we have our own business. I found out my hubby still pays their bills, trying to pay for college for the 2 oldest and allows them to live for free and not chip in for anything, while they all work and just spend their money on whatever they want(trips, going out, tattoos, clothes, etc.). So essentially, I am working daily at 8 months pregnant Just so they don't have to chip in(we pay A Lot for our 5 bdrm house. I haven't gotten paid for almost a year cause the business is new and covers our bills, that's it. I don't have Time for ANYTHING working daily. It's draining. It causes Inward resentment from me towards the kids/husband and when I even mention it to my hubby like, Hmmm maybe they can chip in for Something..food, laundry soap, toilet paper, SOMETHING. He gets offended and sticks up for them, "I am their dad and I will not send them in the world broke and unprepared." I understand that but Damn you had Years to prepare them, why wait until they are Adults?!?! Before we got together, he was all like, they will ALL be in college in 3 years." Lie's, they are All still living home doing community college and trade school. I feel out of place, I feel like it's Always 5 against ME. My hubby puts them first still. Now I'm having a baby and very scared I'll be left out as They all are excited for Their brother but no one talks to me or helps me feel apart of their family. I don't know what to do, I feel like taking my baby and just running away but My hubby is amazing in every other way(not really most mostly). Oh his out of state mom(who I have spoke to a few times in 6 years) said she's coming to stay with us for 2 months after baby is here, I haven't even expressed my feelings to that as I know it will offend him more, but I stay awake at night thinking of it. Advice??
@InsideMyMind37
Hi and thank you for your post! 
I really must say your post did get my attention. 
I think you did really bring up some amazing and legitimate points! Really, utlimately, your feelings about the whole thing is truly the biggest point!
I wonder if maybe you could sit down with your husband and have a meeting? A timed meeting (perhaps an hour in duration when no one is angry). A meeting in the spirit of negotiation and working together as a team? Maybe for you to even write out your thoughts, bullet points on a piece of paper prior as to stay on topic in the event it gets heated? Sometimes even setting a kitchen timer for each of you to have 10 minutes to say how you feel and then to reset the kitchen timer for the other to share their thoughts and feelings as well?
I wonder if you might consider addressing his fears? Is he fearful of being seen as "bad parent" for requiring his adult children to take a little responsibility for themselves? Could this be because these children are the product of a broken marriage and he feels the need to out do the other, something to prove? If so, that other parent is out of the picture in your home, but are they really? Is this some sort of "ghost parent" that is haunting your relationship? I'm not saying that is what is happening, but certainly something to consider.
Typically good parenting does require raising children to take a little responsiblity for themselves once they are of the age to do so. It sounds as if all of this is putting you, your husband and your unborn child at a distinct disadvantage and it might not be truly doing a lot of favors for these adult children if they are unable to learn life skills now.
Perhaps negotiating could help. I wonder if you could explain you have no intention of throwing these children to the "wolves" it's not about that and it's kind of catastrophic thinking. But simply for them to pitch in with chores, learn how to support themselves at least with their own health and beauty needs, tatoos, fun outings. Maybe simply providing a roof and a safe haven until they can kind of learn to "get it together". This seems to be the age group where adult children should have jobs even while going to school.
Have you considered asking your husband to join you in some parenting classes? This could help with your current children as well as down the road for your new child that is on the way.
And rest assured, I totally felt what you were saying about your mother in law coming to visit for 2 months under the guise of being helpful. Well, we all must be very mindful of what type of "help" we are willing to accept and if it will be simply another person, personality to cater to for those 2 months. I have to wonder with a full house of people that you feel are not on your team, if adding yet another one is going to really be a help or a hindrance. You do have a right to a calm and peaceful home. You have a right to your feelings. I send you big *hugs* 
Thank you so much for responding and yes, I agree about writing things down and staying on topic when/if we discuss it. I can barely talk about it now without tearing up And/Or getting frustrated and saying NVM cause I am 8months pregnant and emotional and I don't want my unborn baby feeling those feelings. He just takes everything very personal when it comes to them. Yea, the other parent is in the kids lives, well Now that they are Adults, they pretty much keep in contact with her (the mom is clinically mentally ill and truly bat sh** crazy most times). So I know it's lots of guilt with the Dad, he feels bad they had to endure her craziness when they were young. He's had full custody for over 10 years now and does great, he just Literally wants to do everything for them and to me, it's not teaching them Anything. I refuse to live in mental prison, trapped inside my head so I Will get my feelings out on paper. Thank you. ❤️ I would love to feel comfortable around them, it's been 6 years. They are very involved with the mom's side of the family so I feel like they just do not need me. I should maybe write them as well, but I Know they will tell their aunties and cousins and I don't want our business being out. Anywho, Thank you for listening. It means a lot for real.
@InsideMyMind37
I must admit, it truly was my first inclination to sense that some where, in all of this, some how there were potentially some feelings of guilt on the part of your husband about his children for something, but I wasn't sure what. Thank you for letting me know where this is stemming from.
Of course I read your original post and so him having the where with all to start a business, being able to attract the attention of a well spoken women such as yourself who clearly is highly intelligent and a thoughtful person, kind of shows me that he too, must be a highly intelligent man and typically a logical person. It seems as if to me, sometimes emotion can cloud our judgement as people. Some days we as people trade out logic for guilt, feelings, etc. But it's hard for us as people to see it for what it is when we are the ones that are doing it.
There is a concept refered to as the "ghost in the nursery" and even though these children are adult children or some almost to the age of 18, it appears as if the concept is alive in your home. How long will your husband have to pay for the sins of another? (his ex wife) How long will he punish himself for not perhaps getting the children out of the situation with their mother sooner? Maybe he feels like it's easier to just throw money at it instead of really digging deep, facing it all and I mean right in the face of what it is that he is so afraid of. Money is not love.
I wonder if he just can't come to grips with it all, maybe he is stressed for feeling the need to be a provider for his family. His business is struggling, these things can comes with feelings of self doubt and failure, self-esteem issues, knowing he has a new baby on the way, it sounds as if there are many personalities in the house and quite frankly a great deal of upheaval. It sounds to me as if it is quite caotic for you! I wonder if he feels lost, and confused and just doesn't even know what to do except to put up a wall when you bring up the topic of being a thoughtful parent to these children and asking them to rise to the occassion, at least a little bit?
I'm giving you thoughts, ideas, but it doesn't mean that what is happening to you is right! You have feelings too. And if you ask me, now is a pivotal moment, you are 8 months pregnant, agreed, the focus should be you right now. Yes of course you will be emotional now, but wouldn't anyone be at any time given your circumstances? Again, you have a right to your feelings and you have a right to live in a calm home with loved ones working together, being all on the same team. If he isn't in the position to listen to you right now, well, we have a big community here on 7 cups that are simply grateful that you found us! So many of us, so happy to listen to you and wrap our arms around you in this incredibly difficult time for you!
For us it's called "trained active listening not trained active fixing". So of course we cannot fix it and maybe is not a time where you can either. But we are here. Here for you. Sometimes it just feels good to vent, have someone to chat with, bounce around ideas, concepts, or brainstorm together. As for me I love the forum areas! And if you ever want to speak to a listener directly, feel free to go to the "browse listener" page. If someone has their "green light" on, it means that they are online and are currently accepting chats. But, if you don't want to do that, that is just okay too my friend! Spending time in the forum areas, in my opinion, is so very helpful and quite incredible. I send you big big *hugs*
Wow, thank you! Very much, I think I will take you up on that, "browse listener" option as well as continue writing my thoughts down. I hope you have a great weekend!!
@InsideMyMind37
I'm so very happy that you have decided to branch out a bit and maybe try to engage in a 1-1 chat with a listener or even mutliple listeners! 
I'm glad you also are keeping in mind the forum areas to express yourself as well. I send you big *hugs*
Give your life to Jesus. Like I Did few years ago and you will be free. In the Bible is written that the wounds of our spirit weakens our bones and this is very true. With Jesus even in the worst circumstances of your life you will feel in peace and know how to take it and act in a better way. Peace be with you
We are both very spiritual and gave our lives to Jesus years ago. God has been guiding us and protecting us since our first date. I can't help but to feel emotional at times and want other advice. We pray about this issue together so I Know everything will work out, it's just me learning to deal with just how it is I guess and figure out my own thoughts. Thanks for your response.
@InsideMyMind37
I respect the fact that the both of you are leading a Jesus Christ centered life. I must agree this is quite helpful and I'm glad that you have included your Lord and Savior from the very begining of the relationship. I understand your position and for me from time to time I say P.U.S.H. = Pray Until Something Happens. If we are reading from scripture, we also learn that God helps those who help themselves. God does have a way of leading you. He does speak to us, sometimes, we as people simply have to listen. Perhaps He has led you here? I certainly wouldn't want other comments made on this post to discourage you from reaching out for help and support from your fellow human beings. I believe that God put us all here to help one another. You never have to be an island unto yourself.
The way I like to think of things, okay, here goes......If you were in a little boat out in a body of water and a storm came through, well, you can sit and pray all you want to. It's a good thing to do, sure. Pray, pray and more pray. Not a bad idea. But it you ask me, I'll pray but I will pick up those oars and I will row my little self silly, all at the same time. Indeed, God helps those who help themselves. I commend you for seeking support here on this site! *hugs*
I married a man with 4 children too. This is my first marriage. I can totally relate to your story. The first three years living with him were very hard for me, but therapy has helped us tremendously. I also joined a local Stepmom group in FB and we do meetings every month! We chat about our stepmom challenges which helped me realize that I wasn’t alone and other stepmoms felt just as challenged too about their kids. It is now almost 10 years since we have been together, and we still see a couples therapist every month for tune ups. There’s always something that we feel we need to chat about and find ways to resolve it. Without therapy, I don’t believe we could have made it work. We have to assume that you both play a role in the dynamics of the new family. I also learned that these kids come from a broken home, and my heart needed to stretch beyond my ego to help make love breakthroughs! I used to live on my own for many years... life before marriage was all about me, me and me. My life was easy, in a way... it was not complicated at all and I traveled everywhere alone! So with therapy I learned that playing the victim role was not working, and that there was a lot of things I did that contributed to the resentment. Sure, the kids had PTSD from their parents breakup which I couldn’t fix, but I learned to focus on us as a couple, and we learned to strengthen our marriage. He also has been able to listen to me and change, in order to make things work out for all of us. This has been almost like climbing Mt. Everest... it’s been a steep hike, learning curve for me, to get to the summit... but the landscape up there is beautiful! Things will work out in the end, if you keep your heart open and are willing to listen to feedback. Sending you big hugs and I hope things get better for you.
Hi It sounds like both of you are in different page. Communication is important and support. Please see a marriage counselor for guidance good luck
Unfortunately that I have no idea how it can be solved but I feel you are being in a really difficult situation. The loneliness of being not a part of the family, and stress of dealing with your own business and being a new parent. Wish things will get better.
I had a similar situation with my husband, his parents and my stepson. i finally had to put my foot down before our child was born...but i also went and stayed with my parents, my husband begged me to come back. as far as i was concerned, my husband and his family needed to know that i was the wife and the mother of the child and i wasn't about to let any of them take these things from me..i know this sounds harsh, . I am a meek person, and very passive, so when I went to my parents my husband knew something was wrong. but at that time I had decided that I would be perfectly happy with just me and my daughter...I don't know if you can go stay with your mom, but it might wake your husband up...especially if you told him you were going to stay with your parents for a few months after the baby was born...with the baby of course..he might understand then
