Trouble overcoming breakup with a widow (ignore the other)
It's been 3 weeks so far since we broke up. She said she couldn't currently be in a relationship. She had lost her husband 3 years ago and met me about a year after the event. I have been her world for that time I suppose. She became my world, too. And with her little daughter I felt I'd risen to a father-like role. I was the girl's favorite person and she would always talk about me to everyone at her school and always wonder where I was when I wasn't around.
3 weeks and I've barely moved. I'm forcing myself to eat and I did manage a couple of workouts, but I feel like it's getting harder. I've dealt with breakups before, but this one hits differently. I'm losing 2 people I loved. I've been on no contact and that eats away at me and always question whether I should be there for her. She was shocked when she said i wouldn't continue to talk to her. But I feel like it's the best thing to do as it'll allow her to grieve her late husband properly and maybe highlight how important I was to her now that I'm gone.
I don't know how to move on or what steps to take now. With me around she could only barely take care of her day to day living, so the thought of her alone makes me fear what kind of a condition she could be living in. But I also don't want to write to her to find out.
I suppose I'm holding onto a dream that she uses this time to grieve properly and then reaches out to me again where we can try to start this all over again.
What am I doing wrong? Are there any tips on how to deal with this?
@Krakatoaaa
Yeah, what was wrong with the first post? I clicked and could not find a way to respond. Anyhow, grieving lost partner or child is not easy. It makes you preoccupied and consumed by the process. They say you never forget, but it becomes eventually less painful with time, maybe. While you allowed yourself to become emotionally invested in their life, she is not capable to reciprocate. And even if she may like it, it probably feels like a conflict to her. Feelings are complicated. Can you write a letter from time to time telling that you care and would like to help if possible? Of course you have to accept that you'll never hear from them and it's a lost cause. I lot of grieving on your side. Maybe It helps you to see how she feels. Sorry for your suffering. All of you.
@Krakatoaaa sorry you’re facing this. You’re not doing anything wrong. However if you cut her off because you believe it will make her miss you maybe that’s manipulation of a sort. If she was hurt that you said you were cutting communication, maybe it’s a sign she values your friendship. You might want to respect her right to redefine the relationship but remain her friend. Do you think that might help both of you through this perhaps?
It took me a few days to digest this, but you are right. My employing a method in hopes of indirectly altering my ex's future decisions is manipulation and I'm not proud of that. I should be sticking to no contact because I want to alter MY future and be a better person because of it. I suppose the fear of losing my partner is always there and I have to come to accept I've already lost her. I can now just hope to become confident enough to feel content reestablished contact, because I do miss them both and would hate to know either are suffering like I am. I think when I feel comfortable enough, I will contact her again. Although I currently have no idea what I would say. Thank you for helping me see an unhealthy behavior.
@Krakatoaaa
Oh Goodness, your post made me cry. There is so very much going on here for both of you. I am a widow of three years and still my only focus is my husband. Although, i know that we all grieve very differently. You both took a big step in trusting one another and in opening yourselves up to love. I commend both of you for this. Perhaps she suddenly got scared or felt an overwhelm of feelings that she could not process. Grief is the weirdest and most complicated thing / emotion......ever. We cannot know what overtook her. But i am sure that it wasn't anything that you did or didn't do.
I can only imagine at how much you are hurting and i am deeply sorry for that. You will most probably be aware of the concept, that if you want the bird to return to you, then set it free.
Be there quietly in the background. Just enough that she knows you are there and your love is still there. Be extra patient and she will realise that her hubby has gone and the love they shared has gone forever. But here is an opportunity for a new connection and a different and equally valuable love. She will feel this deep down. But please, if you can, be patient and trust that she will fly back to you. Her mind is over riding her heart at the minute, but love always wins. i wish you both all the best xxxx
I found your words to be so helpful. I thought in the time being I would try to see if I was ready to date by downloading some dating apps. The first one I used, *** resulted in less than 10 swipes revealing my ex. I couldn't believe it. I recovered from the initial shock and thought I'd tell of the awkward painful discovery in a light hearted way. We ended up having a phone call where she told me she wanted to reach out to metobhave just no string sex because she felt that need, but didn't want to break the no contact I initiated. Turns out she now has a guy, a man who she chats to and has no strings sex. It was the worst gut punch I've experienced before. And that she wasn't willing to stop seeing him to see me instead. She said shebjust had no desire to have a relationship anymore, and just wanted to keep things emotionless. Even worse than that is I'll found out her little girl asks for me every day and was screaming to see if it was me on the phone, but my ex lied and said it was a santa claus. I am at a complete loss now. I honestly have hit a low i didnt think possible. The desperate thoughts scared me. I took valium to calm down, but the fact is the lowest of low feelings remains and I'm scares. I feel like I've lost everything. I have lost my hope for the future. I feel worthless
@Krakatoaaa Oh, that's horrible to hear!
Well, the one thing that will always take you forward in life and make you feel at ease is to simply accept whatever is happening as well as people's choises.
Also do understand and accept that your ego always plays a role in every life event. So whenever you in the moment try to let go of some of your own wants/needs/thoughts/emotions and try to instead get another different perspective on the current event - you will feel more at ease.
Aceptance leads to harmony.
Try to understand completely from her perspective why she did what she did. Then try to understand your own situation in a different light where you are not the main character of your life.
This will help set you out of your current emotions and into a new different understanding, which will eventually help you reflect on how to move forward in a more focused way.
Wish you all the best❣️
👉 Do get your jogging shoes on. Try to get many hours of walk/bike ride every day to calm down and to be able to think.
I'd love to know how things goes for you. 🙏
@Krakatoaaa Remember that the loss and grief period takes 2-3 years the most. Then one will feel more at ease and more able to move on.
So get out in nature for many hours a day. Find + try as many coping mechanisms as you can meantime.
Do also write a "first-aid" for emotional issues for your future self on what new coping mechanisms that works for you.
And please update us on how things goes❣️
It’s heartbreak. You have to keep moving as much as possible, stay busy, read books, go on a hike, anything to get out of bed. It’s totally understandable why she needs her space but her choosing you then letting you go hurt you and most likely her daughter as well. Of course, we don’t know the details of her circumstances but we all grieve differently. As she grieves her husband in her way, you can grieve your loss in your way.
We make mistakes in our lives. That's life. Don't look back. Look at here and now and future too. I don't think it's wise to look for rebound relationships now before you process
Hola @Krakatoaaa
Leyendote vienen a mi mente varias situaciones por las que puedes estar pasando o estás pasando durante toda tu historia sin darte cuenta. Las voy a redactar en primera persona para que te sea más facil identificarte.
1 Necesito ser necesitado? te atrae relaciónarte con alguien necesitado, dependiente que sabe jugar a la victima desvalida y tu entras de salvador autosuficiente?
2 Una y otra vez vuelvo a creerme indispensable, como suponiendo que el otro sin mí, se desmoronará?
Por otro lado te felicito por tu empeño en permitirte recibir. Ej. alimentarte o hacer sus cosas.
Supones que estás haciendo mal algo. Yo creo que simplemente estás actuando tus patrones de superivencia inconscientes y así, expresandote como lo haces hoy aquí, estás en el camino de darte importancia, darte un lugar y encontrar el camino hacia el amor por ti y hacia el amor de los otros para ti.
Agradezco tu compartir. Me has ayudado a ver desd tu situación mi situación. Yo también estoy involucrado en el reto de mejorar mi significado y mi valor a la hora de estar con otras personas. Tu compartir me ha transmitido compañía y un estímulo para yo también dar mis propios pasos hacia mi autenticidad socializada.
Recibe, si me lo permites, un cariñoso y alentador abrazo.
Apertura Plena
@Aperturaplena
Reading about your shared experience, several situations come to mind that you may be going through or are going through throughout your story without realizing it. I am going to write them in the first person so that it is easier for you to identify yourself.
1 Do I need to be needed? Are you attracted to the relationship with someone in need, a dependent who knows how to play the helpless victim and you become a self-sufficient savior?
2 Over and over again I believe myself indispensable, as supposing that the other without me, will fall apart?
On the other hand, I congratulate you on your effort to allow yourself to receive. Eg feed you or do their things.
It assumes that you are doing something wrong. I believe that you are simply acting your unconscious survival patterns and thus, expressing yourself as you do here today, you are on the path of giving yourself importance, giving yourself a place and finding the path towards love for you and towards the love of others for you. .
I appreciate your sharing. It has helped me to see my situation from your situation. I am also involved in the challenge of improving my meaning and my value when it comes to being with other people. Your sharing has given me company and an encouragement for me to take my own steps towards my authentic socialization.
Receive, if you allow me, a loving and encouraging hug.
@Krakatoaaa It's not easy. I'm still working on moving on from a relationship that ended months ago. Does that make me weak? Who knows. What I can tell you is that trying to cure the pain with a new relationship you don't really want to be in won't help... I made that mistake and it made me so much more unhappy! I'm sending prayers and love. My inbox is open.
Hola @Krakatoaaa
Leyendo vienen a mi mente varias situaciones por las que puedes estar pasando o estás pasando durante toda tu historia sin darte cuenta. Las voy a redactar en primera persona para que te sea más fácil identificarte.
1 Necesito ser necesitado? te atrae la relaciónarte con alguien necesitado, dependiente que sabe jugar a la victima desvalida y tu entras de salvador autosuficiente?
2 Una y otra vez vuelvo a creerme indispensable, como suponiendo que el otro sin mí, se desmoronará?
Por otro lado te felicito por tu empeño en permitirte recibir. Ej. alimentarte o hacer sus cosas.
Supone que estás haciendo algo malo. Yo creo que simplemente estás actuando tus patrones de superivencia inconscientes y así, expresandote como lo haces hoy aquí, estás en el camino de darte importancia, darte un lugar y encontrar el camino hacia el amor por ti y hacia el amor de los otros para ti .
Agradezco tu compartir. Me ha ayudado a ver desd tu situación mi situación. Yo también estoy involucrado en el reto de mejorar mi significado y mi valor a la hora de estar con otras personas. Tu compartir me ha producido compañía y un estímulo para yo también dar mis propios pasos hacia mi auténtica socializada.
Recibe, si me lo permites, un cariñoso y alentador abrazo.
Apertura Plena
I have personally been very very close to the same position-- from her side of things. It's unfortunate, but the thing is that when you lose someone so close and so suddenly; for lots of people the people that you find right away kind of become collateral damage. I found myself either comparing everyone I had met to my husband and or transferring the emotions that I had for him onto these new "loves". It's not to say that I did not love them, however as you had said that time and I mean years after I long marriage or relationship ends with a death is necessary for proper grieving and once again understanding yourself mentally, physically, and spiritually is a must. Good luck!
My best advice is to focus on yourself and your own well-being rather than her and what she might be up to. It's healthy to care, but it may not be healthy to worry too much or view her as a damsel in distress. If she moves on without you, it will hurt more since you're still investing yourself into it.