What comes next
I just turn 41. Had kids at a young age now they are young adults. The 2 older boys already moved out and the youngest still lives with me. I am also a grandmother to a 2 year old baby boy. I always wanted more kids since my first marriage was a disaster and I hoped I would get another chance at it. I met a wonderful man and we stayed together for over 10 years but we recently broke up. Turns out I can't have anymore kids and he of course wants to be a father. I thought I could let him go and wish him well with someone that can give him what he wants but its so hard. He now has a girlfriend but keeps coming around to see me. I've tried dating online but it truly sucks and with a pandemic not sure how else to go about it. Sometimes the pain is so unbearable, i could almost hear my heart breaking piece by piece. I have family support but I sometimes wish I could run so far away from everyone and everything. The thing is I was not truly happy with this man. At some point in our relationship, he became so angry and bitter and everything bothered him. I began to realize he was more unhappy than me. Pretty soon we were at each others throats saying horrible things while hurting so deeply. When the break up came, it almost took me by surprise but I knew it was only a matter of time. He knew I couldn't have anymore kids from the beginning of our relationship but we fooled ourselves into thinking we could make it work. Now, I'm not sure what is the next step in my life. I find myself questioning my own existence at times but I'm not giving up. I have faith in God that one day I will find the peace I desperately seek.
@Marsattacks1980
I can understand that this is a hard time for you!
What do you think about maybe having what I call gratitude moments? Sometimes it can be amazing to sit and think about what it is that we do have as opposed to what it is that we lack. It sounds as if you have 3 amazing children and a wonderful grandchild. These people are true blessings in life. What do you think about perhaps investing more deeply into these relationships with people that you have currently in your life? Spending the time with them that it would have required for an additional child?
Sometimes we as people see happiness as something to chase, a finish line, more and more. I like to see things in life as quality and not quantity. Happiness is a journey and not a destination. There are so many ways to show love to others, spending time, deepening bonds, seeing your life as service to them through time spent, being helpful, cooking treats, anything really. Getting to know the people in your life that you already have on a deeper and more meaningful level.
I imagine it is very hard to date during the pandemic. It sounds as if you weren't truly happy in the relationship that you had. Have you considered making a list of things you would seek from a mate on one side of a page and on the other side of the page list deal breakers, things you will not accept. During your time alone you could use to develop yourself and become the person you seek to be with. Like attracts like and then you will truly be ready for this other person once they come along 
Thank you for pointing that out!!!! I have to admit I did not see it that way. That is a beautiful perspective.
@Marsattacks1980
I'm really glad you that you enjoyed my thought process! Certainly it's not a perfect science. We as people have a right to our feelings, we are allowed to be disspapointed in others, we should give ourselves the time and space to have a moment of grief for a relationship lost. But it sounds as if to me, you already know in your heart that this person may not have been the right person for you. True love does not dictate, put these types of requirements on other people to simply create a child. If he couldn't handle an adult relationship with you I have to wonder how he would have been if put into the role of a father. Gizzie (me) has "scratches head moment" here with you 
Maybe now could be seen as a true gift to yourself! A time to make you, important to you! If someone else wouldn't do it and couldn't do it, maybe now is the time to get back to basics and invest in yourself Maybe take nice, long, hot baths. No rush now to meet the whims and argue with another. Tell yourself that you are worth it. You can put on your best pajamas and do it just for you and not someone else. Some nice lotion, some perfume, a pedicure, a manicure that you can do all for yourself.......and feel it......drink it in, be mindful and focused and maybe think about all the times you may have neglected yourself in the past? Maybe light a scented candle if you like that and feel as if you are treating yourself well and honoring yourself. You could think whippie, the house is all mine. I can watch what I want to on tv, I can get a pet of any kind that I want, you could buy a great book and not be interupted and maybe feel some inner peace (and that is part of the process, something to ad to that list I spoke of).
If there was ever a hobby that you thought of doing you could start a simple google search if you like. Sometimes in doing all of these things, honoring ones self a renewed scence of self esteem and self worth comes forward. Sometimes the realization of that it's better to be alone than to be in bad company.
Maybe him out of the picture will give you a chance to do these things as well as get to know your loved ones/family members in a way you never had the option to before.
I send you big big *hugs* You are worthy and deserving of good things in life! I don't have a lot of free time but when I get a chance to reward myself, I like to read along with other things. One thing that is my latest, greatest great find is Jay Shetty "Think Like A Monk". I saw him on tv for an interview and he was so like minded to my thought process. I went ahead and bought his book to learn more.........it's going great so far!
Thanks again, your words really filled me with joy and understanding. For so long I thought i was misunderstood or my way if seeing things was ignored.