Anyone with a deadbedroom here
So my husband started pushing off sexual intimacy for extended periods of times. We are at once a month and this number is likely yo get lower and lower. If you have been through this before do you have any suggestions on how to cure it. ?
@ImaginaryAioli
mine did that longer and longer until we almost never even tried ............found out then he has Low T and ED ..................all the time made me think it was me not attractive enough or gained weight etc ....
i did everything was so mad when he finally said "not you it is me "............ too little too late IMO .... it is common if they are having issues with being able to but they should speak up and communicate and see if as a couple they could work on it....................
not saying that is your issues but is a common theme....that starts how you describe
All I know is that hormones keep changing, for everyone, and it can be really hard to deal with. Open and honest communication can go a long way, but just be really cautious about not "blaming" anyone because that'll definitely kill any sort of positive moods. Otherwise, good luck, and I'm interested to see what others say as well.
@ImaginaryAioli
I agree with tough tiger it could be a hormone issue . I think guys are really embarrassed if they can't perform and are really struggling to verbalize it. My advice is always start these kind of topics with how you feel without pointing any fingers. It might open him up to talking because he feels safe enough by your approach.
.......
" I feel lonely.....
" I'm feeling unattractive.....
" I am worried about you....
" I feel old ......
Best
ABB đź’ś
@ImaginaryAioli
Usually this happens when my partner is getting depressed and he just does not have the energy or drive to do anything.
As a male turtle, i can tell you low T will do it alright and make you depressed, fat, and not having energy to live, either.
I'm in the same situation. Hubs is really depressed and having financial problems. What bothers me most isn't the the lack of sexual activity as the lack of basic intimacy. He won't even try hugging me or even holding my hand. I don't know how long before I snap
@MelancholicSam
I can understand ....... the problem with hugs or holding hands is the hubby thinks you will want more....
Why would hubby not want to love or be loved or show love? Regardless of the issue, we shouldn’t withdraw from the marriage but lean in. I’m at a loss. One-sided relationships suck.
@yardcarrot
I agree but i will say from experience that is what is happening ....... when i hug him... it feels like the awkward hug of a person just feeling obligated...... took me a long time to see and i am ashamed to admit i did not see he is most likely in a deep depression over life/ health / age / what he thought his life would be .......
i have tried to be supportive but you cannot help those who do not want it
@MelancholicSam im with you on this one! im not sure how long I will last if she doesn't respond some how!
I have this problem but with the orientation the other way, it feels like we have become brothers and sister or 2 mates sharing a place to live, there's been no sexual connection for months now like I can't remember the last time! even with hugs and trying to be touching etc there's little or no reaction to a point where I have given up, I have tried booking romantic meals walks etc only to be cancelled. there is defiantly no one else, we are both in our late 50s and been together for 7 years, of recent we have had blood test done for other exploration/routine work and nothing has showed up, im wanting to be pretty active and has always been but it did get mentioned a few years ago that if I wanted more sex than she can give to find a 20 yr old....if only lol( not for me) so now these days im just left frustrated and can't be bothered to even engage a conversation about it, so ladies it works the other way to! but I sure do miss that romantic intimacy I long to hold caress and have that joy again with someone and I say someone as I think that ship has sailed.
@withinhell
Yes it does work both ways but as Mature adults we should be able to openly discuss .......... not hurt the other persons feelings....by asking what can we do to help the situation... being iced out has only made me want to look elsewhere and totally understand that in some cases yes open marriages should be OK.
@toughTiger6481
I think in some cases its a difficult subject to talk about it I also think once you've had a chat about it I think some could feel awkward when engaging again, I know I would anyway, I also know that open relationships do work for some but not others as they don't want their partner to be out having fun and they are not so it ends up having fun behind their backs, when I say fun I use that loosely I really mean sex, so its then seen as an affair which it wouldn't be in the true sense as one would just be meeting their needs by having sex without the full relationship.
@withinhell
I will say this early in our relationship he cheated ..... that was less painful and forgivable then him letting me worry for years IT was ME .........
i bent over backwards trying to appease him...........then when he did speak up about HIS issue ....... he lied about that as well ... and his refusal to do anything about it lose weight as the medications need his heart to be healthy and he has let himself go and get very heavy....... cannot guess the last time he saw his own self.
IT shows me just how UN -important i am to him after decades ......... and NO spouse should be asked just think their sex life is OVER too.
@toughTiger6481
I agree no one should be without intimacy its no wonder people do go off and find that elsewhere I think I am at the stage where I really need to find a friend with "benefits" tbh its gotten so far im really sad about it as its not what I want to do but I feel I have to! but im also noticing now the lack of other things surrounding the relationship which I think I have found with some other people for the emotional side and sharing the same interests which is kinda ok but only in short spells which im finding isn't enough, I know there his some people you want people as an emotional crutch and companionship but not for the sex side of things so it kinda falters there to.
@kindDreamer9743
Many situations start as emotional support ..... knowing what it is like to be lonely in a marriage ....
yes sometimes it is not enough ..... i was a emotional support buddy to a couple of people and they wanted more much more so we kind of quit talking ........
then there are people who want to go right to being there for the other things ......... i think it is nice to have both....
I totally relate to you. Sorry that this happened to both of us. Nothing works, and the more I bring up anything, the more he refuses…like a rebellious child.
@yardcarrot
Yes it is very child like, this is like feeling sorry for ones self so much so anything that's out in front of the nose is not noticed or refused!
It's a widespread problem. Books are written about it. "Mating in captivity" by Esther Perel comes to mind.
IMHO, this is a good talk about it:
https://youtu.be/0sYguTPLpHE
@ImaginaryAioli it turns out men have low sex drive when they are stressed ..it could be he is a workaholic and this stress hormones released make it hard for him to have a high testosterone..on the other hand u might have a mild job or a relaxed schedules which keeps your hormones relaxed ..if he's a provider chances are he has to keep working to provide and this is going to keep happening but if u both make contributions to the day to day activities u can both share the task and if that is impossible then u can both plan specific days u can have sex
do you think he might be cheating on you?