Divorce after 23 yrs-is this the right thing to do?
Hello,
First, thanks everyone for a listening ear. I'm not sure where to start but I have not been able to speak to anyone about my problems and have been keeping things bottled up inside for months.
My wife and I have been married for 23 years. It was a shotgun marriage, we met in college, dated for 2.5 years then I got her pregnant. I chose to marry her so that we could have the child and raise the baby. Since we've married, we have four children and they are now all grown up - ages 23, 19, 17 and 14. I love our children and would do anything for them. My wife was a stay at home mom for 10 years raising the kids. For that I am grateful. But she feels like only she went through a lot in those 10 years. What about the pressure on me to make sure I brought home money to pay for everything? In short, in 23 years of marriage, I have sacrificed my own needs and wants to provide a comfortable home, food, and all the essentials to raise my family. I am aware that she did as well and I tell her that I appreciate it.
There were many good times but in the past two years, something changed with my relationship with my wife. I think it definitely has to do with being around her and the kids 24/7 during covid. I found many things I started disliking about her and things that made me very resentful. I’m sure she finds things that she doesn’t like about me too. I feel that she only cares about the kids and never pays any attention or shows any affection towards me. She rarely wants to do anything together. She doesn't clean the house and that makes me feel like she doesn't appreciate what I've provided for her and the family. All she does is spend spend spend. She doesn't know how to save a penny. In fact, she doesn't have any savings at all. And our sex life was pretty much nonexistent for the past two years. I can probably count the number of times we had sex during that time.
When I talk to her about it, she gets mad and doesn’t talk to me for days. I asked her once how she thinks she will survive when she is older and her response was that the kids will care for her. In my mind, I can’t help but think what kind of a burden she will put on the kids. She is extremely stubborn and I ALWAYS end up apologizing so that we could stop fighting. I am just tired of it and in the past month, we have not really spoken to each other. I want to end to end the marriage and divorce but I am worried about the kids, especially my youngest. She’s only 14 and going through her pre-teen moods. I don't want to keep the house if I divorce but what else can I do? I don't want the kids to suffer because their stupid parents can’t get along. I also have to get the courage to go through with the divorce and with moving out too. Another fear keeping me from going forward is the thought of being alone. I’m 51 years old and half my life was spent being married and raising the kids. Now to go out there by myself, that is pretty scary thought.
I haven’t spoken to any family or friends about this because I feel ashamed but why am I not entitled to be happy too? I just don't know what to do. I don't think we can reconcile because I just don't think I love her anymore. I think she probably feels the same. I started going back to work in the office and I feel so much better and less stressed than when I am home with her. Am I doing the right thing? We've tried marriage counseling. It wasn't very helpful. Maybe it was the counselor we had. I feel really lost and confused and scared.
@orangeLion6700
I hear you. Relationships are quite complicated especially a marriage.
Yet you need to do very serious thinking for your kids sake. Weigh your pros and cons and then only come to any conclusion.
wish you all the best.
I have had similar questions in my own marriage of 29 years. I confided in my brother and he said to ask myself is life better with him or without him? Once that question is answered, you can move forward as necessary.
Best of luck to you in your discernment.
I respectfully have a thought about you reply. They have children together, he can not just walk away from her and never see her again. They will still co parent together weither he likes it or not. And she will always have an influence in his life as she will always be their mother and grandmother of his children and grandchildren. He has opportunities to influence her for good, but much less so if he gives up on her. Just something to consider.
@orangeLion6700
Friend.
Very good that you are back at work - I know that Co-vid has put a lot of pressure at people, staying at home.
All the best!
Helga.
I am a woman in the same situation. We have been married for 37 years. My husband left me at the beginning of Covid. Then my son guilted me into letting him come home while I was away taking care of my dying father. To complicate matters, he has numerous health problems. I feel if I leave him or kick him out, I may be setting him up for more health issues which may become a burden to our kids.
To be honest I am not very nice to him either which aggravates the situation. Sometimes I think if I were nicer…
And to further complicate the issues, he invited my brother to stay with us for 8 or 9 months. Why he is with us is a whole other story.
I have tried to get him to commit to various couple’s therapies. He always has an excuse for not wanting to go. I bought some books to help us work through our issues. He will start them with me, but then he stops them after a time or 2.
I know that my stress was less when he left, but I wonder what new stresses will come if he leaves.
Thanks for listening.
You are definitely not alone in struggling with being stuck together because of covid. My husband has been working from home and it is now a permanent thing. I struggled to adjust to going from doing my own thing and feeling that confidence in the responsibility of being a stay at home mom then overnight having another person there to judge me. I really resented this and felt really inadequate. Though it was really difficult at first, we've learned to respect each other's values and opinions and just kind of back off a bit. Dealing with my own internal world and not making my husband responsible for my emotions was a big turning point. He was feeling frustrated too and unfortunately trying to make me responsible for his emotions (aka thoughts and behaviors). Anyways, I feel for you and hope that the two of you can feel connected again. I highly recommend 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman. Probably the best marriage book out there.
I think a lot of marriages are like that too. When kids are grown up and independent, why do we stay together when we can't be nice to each other and we are triggered by each other all the time? It's especially hard when codependent. What's better? Bickering or loneliness and bitterness? There are no easy answers. Do you like roller-coasters?
Same thing happens to me.
I want to divorce.
But my problem is.... no motivation, no energy.
There are so many out there and i do not think Covid is to blame
we spend our lives working for the golden years and time to be a couple again and have time for each other.. But time changes our priorities and our dreams
maybe it is disappointment badly directed or maybe it is just somewhere along the way we lost the ability to not take each other for granted. Not express how we feel or make the other person feel like you care.
Not that it helps but you found out early IMO .........many have 30-40 years in and find themselves in same place you are...
nothing to talk about and just feel stressed and unhappy together...... once the kids are all grown ( you can still rationalize since you have teens) but once they are on their own staying together for the kids/ family seem unimportant...... i work in a group that has many people all starting over some after 34 years of a marriage but it ended far before then ending tally...
go be happy....... i would suggest sitting down and talking to your grown children to ease into the idea that things will be changing ......... being upfront and open gives them a chance to absorb and see both sides ..... MOST grown kids know ....what their parents feel and it may discourage them in marriage .......... as they see you miserable