Daily ramblings 2
I having problems posting to other thread so trying a new one.
Self pity is what it sounds like. The reality is my reality can be seen by others and maybe someday progress will be made for lost causes like me.
You are not a lost cause. I don’t believe that for one second. There is always hope. You’re self view is being skewed.
I don’t know what I should do next or how to go about doing it.
Have been eating a lot more than I should for a long time. The last few days I am so hungry my fat belly has extreme hunger pains, but I try and eat and can only eat a little and I feel ill.
How about a visit to the doctor?
I still have nothing new to put down here. I still struggle with all of the same things every day. My depression is still overwhelming, my anxiety issues are always reminding me that they still are a strong contender, my brain flickering still happens multiple times a day, my ideation of my demise is still very much present, the video playback of past experiences is a very regular occurrence, lack of any positive thoughts, feelings and/or emotions…still a very true thing. I’m still beyond extremely lonely yet I am very aware that someone like me with as much baggage and so very selfish in regards to my being so wrapped up in my own misery that I can’t be an equal partner in any type of relationship , friendship or otherwise. I wouldn’t wish someone like me on anyone.
Therapy….. no longer an option for me. It is a two way street and my give a darn is completely gone . The effort expected from me is not going to happen anymore. I have been through so many different types of treatments and “exercises” and none have had any success. Coping ideas …of course some things help some of the time. But 45 plus years of coping has taken its toll.
Of the thousands of jigsaw puzzles that make up my life, why are all of them missing so many pieces? Not one has a complete picture to represent any point of my life. Every day more pieces seem to disappear from each of them randomly. And of the ones that present some semblance of a picture, I can only make out pain and misery.
People say to live in the moment, and I try. However, when I am constantly falling into the abyss, that is my present moments, over and over and over.
To be “normal” and be capable of having the one thing I desire above all else. To not have all this dead weight dragging me down. To find someone to share my remaining time with. To be able have that closeness with someone, to be able to listen to all of their thoughts as well as be able to share all of mine.
To not be alone and afraid all the time.
Though reality reminds me that that will never happen. My fate is sealed. Such is life.
Not sure if I have updated status on any/all of the things going on with me. I don’t think there’s anything new, or that anything has gotten any worse or any better.
Not sure about anything anymore.
I truly am interested in knowing how those people who have reached out to me are doing in their own lives. I just have nothing positive to give to anyone. My ability to put the words together to express that just isn’t there anymore. I want to respond I just can’t seem to put the words together to express myself properly.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami Hey friend, good to hear from you. Glad you’re still posting here on 7 Cups.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami hi Iam im doing well cloudy skies and rainey out here but its better than snow im ready for spring and its becoming spring last night it rained so much and the wind blew all the rain on my window it made me think of a car wash and i just found out tomorrow its going to be 66 so rainey or sunny im going out to sit on my porch. I think that your expressing yourself very well Iam your feeling sad and thinking about sad things in your life and past but everyone can relate to that not one or a few people but everyone at some point and i think it is a positive thing to show people that its ok to write when feeling sad and thinking about sad things instead of just keeping it to themselves. Reading what you write can help people in several ways depending on the person reading but everyone who reads will get some positive benefit if the person is feeling sad they wont feel so alone and also see that its ok to write about it and for those who used to be in the place you are in now its just a reminder why they focus on the the things that they like in their life instead of dislike so just keep writing 💙
I don’t understand why I am still forced to endure all of these things. I can’t even complete simple household tasks. Sink full of dishes, has to be a months worth, soaking. I use very little dishes. I go through a lot of dish soap, but don’t do dishes very often. I must drain the nasty water and refill with the intensions of doing them. That seems to be the only logical conclusion. Things like this are progressively getting worse. I am barely, I mean barely, getting through my work day without exploding. My frustration with everything is overflowing. I’m not handling things in a “private” manner very well anymore.