Daily ramblings 2
I having problems posting to other thread so trying a new one.
Nothing has really changed in my miserable dot of existence. Too many extra hours at work, draining me farther and faster everyday. Pretending I care in front of customers and the others I come across daily. Panic attacks in the “privacy “ of my work vehicle. Trying so hard to maintain that awkward balance on that razor sharp fence I live on.
Focus is near impossible. Zoning out at strange times. I have managed to not put on any masks when I go to my doctor and I don’t know if that is good or bad. She seems frustrated with me, nothing seems to be working that she is having me do. I fear my time with her is running short.
My doctor gives me the same forms to fill out at every appointment. One of them is in regards to gender/sexuality and starts off with how I “identify” . I am not offended in the least. I just don’t know how to answer honestly.
I have always marked prefer not to say, because it would probably open up a lot of questions that I don’t have answers too and at this point with everything falling apart mentally and physically, it doesn’t really matter.
Twenty or thirty years ago would’ve been the time for these kinds of questions and answers. But now, what good could possibly come from answering these questions honestly? I will never be the person on the outside that I am inside. My time has long since passed for that. This world is in such turmoil that my dilemmas , which part of which fall right in the most heated parts and I am part of the most hated and despised group of people that are being blamed for what’s wrong with the world. I want to write something more truthful and realistic on that form but , I see no benefit from documenting those things that have no bearing on my life medically.
My thinking is probably wrong, it usually is. However, I have only me to rely on for my screwed up life decisions.
I have been debating on therapy/listener. Therapy is not productive anymore because I am just so over trying the same things over and over, I’ve been through too much therapy. Utilizing a listener, I really don’t want to add my issues to theirs. I feel that I want/need feedback on my writings. Honest , true to themselves opinions. Non-judgmental yet honest opinions. I struggle with just about everything anymore and I feel guilty initiating conversations regarding anything. My issues and problems have been laid bare in all my writings.
I’m too wrapped in my own issues to be a supportive person. My negativity still reigns supreme in my life.
I don’t know how to proceed.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami i have been reading all your posts iam and you can message me anytime or im sure hopefulpond wouldnt mind we are both listeners message us both why not have 2 listeners? if what your doing isnt working and you want something different do something different your negativity isnt too much for anyone who chooses to read it thats true it can be too much for some people who are going through a lot themselves but thats not everyone
@jennysunrise8
Thank you…..
Random thought I grasped, I wonder if anyone has actually read all my writings and if so, why? It is obvious how worthless and pointless my life is. It really doesn’t matter just a random thought.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami Your life matters to you. To you it’s not worthless or you would not be looking for answers. “Pointless”? Kind of a strange term to apply to a life. An animal doesn’t have a “point”, it just is. We humans just are. We try to rationalize a “point” but this is just a story. If you choose to complete with various narratives real or imagined about your life, measuring yourself against some state you would prefer, you’re going to bring more suffering into the equation. This isn’t to say you don’t have realities that are genuine causes of suffering.
@hopefulPond6108
Thank you….
I consider point of life being what kind of contribution/influence one’s life has been on the world around them. Positive, negative, neutral? Some or no combination? I have lived my entire life hiding from the world so my contribution has been nil. I radiate negativity, so I’m sure that is the only influence I have had.
I am my harshest critic, but I also know too many details that nobody else knows. So I don’t consider it harsh just realistic.
What I want doesn’t matter anymore, because I am to far gone too truly appreciate any of those things if I were given the luxury of obtaining any/all of those things.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami Living is like breathing. Breathing is a series of breaths each one leading to the next. You can’t skip any of the steps in breathing. Living is similarly a series of choices, choices to act, choices to not act, choices to “wait and see.” You can’t skip any steps in these choices.
@hopefulPond6108
Thank you…. It will take me a time or two (or three) to fully read and grasp what you wrote, I do appreciate your kindness
Never looking forward to waking up to another day of the same things, the same thoughts, the overwhelming dread. I don’t remember ever waking up or going to sleep without those thoughts. I have had times of longing to be “normal “. But what is normal in this day and age? And is that what I truly want to be?
Concentration is slipping. I want to love and be loved, as I am with no expectations from anyone. I know this is wanting the impossible but it is at the root of my desire.
I get even more confused because of the persona I have created for my work/public self to hide the true depressed, scared, phobic self that I am behind closed doors. Why can’t I be that outside person all the time and be comfortable with it. It’s a lie but it would have to be better than switching between the two. Then I remember that I lived that false front most of my life and was just as miserable.
During my lucid moments, I find myself pondering all these things about life that I hid myself from for all my life. From the longing for love to the simplest things like why can’t I see the beauty in the little things like a lot of others do. Whether it’s the beauty of nature or the beauty of humanity/kindness.
All these thoughts do is make me feel worse about myself.
I don’t like the cold here yet I am so reclusive I don’t enjoy the sunshine either because it brings out all the people.
I have another doctors appointment in a couple days and am not sure if the medications are working or not. I read over some of my writings and I think some things are not as noticeable but others are more pronounced. Maybe I should make a written list to share with the doctor. I seem to forget things I probably should tell them.
