Married and lonely
Hi Everyone. This is my first thread. I am lonely in a marriage of almost 12 years. There is no emotional connection and limited communication to only the essentials. I feel so lonely all the time and every time I try to speak to him I am met with nothing; no emotion, no care. He thinks our marriage is going well and that we do not have to speak regularly. I am all out of tears. Any motivation or advise from those that have been through this. Thank you
@Najeeflower
I have been there and recently read a very good article about it from the spouse view also. Some think once in love it just stays......... no work, no keeping it up. I was amazed the author admitted he thought things were good never seeing his wife falling out of love and growing to dislike him every day. They feel it is working from their point of view and if not broken why fix it. Sadly, many marriages end before the partner who ignores us wakes up.
The ONLY option is to tell them straight up the marriage is not working for you...no trying to be nice hoping they catch a clue ... life is too short hoping they wake up on their own
Thank you @toughtiger6482. Tonight is a rough one for me. The heart ache seems too much to bear. I spoke to him and he says anything I want to do. No emotion, no care. He thinks everything he does is not enough. :(
@Najeeflower
I feel the whatever you want to do is the lazy way some take thinking that fixes the divide.
I have informed my spouse when he does this it is insulting and dismissive. fixes nothing and shows how little he cares. we do fall out of love because of indifference...
@Najeeflower
That kind of loneliness is heavy, especially when the person is right there beside you. Being married and still feeling unseen can slowly drain you. You’re not asking for too much. Wanting emotional connection and regular communication is basic, not dramatic.
The first thing is an open and honest conversation. Not just “we need to talk,” but really telling him how lonely you feel and what you actually need. At the same time, listen to how he sees things too. Sometimes people think “no problems” means “everything is fine,” while the other person is quietly breaking.
If talking between the two of you goes nowhere, therapy can really help. Not because the marriage is doomed, but because sometimes you need a third person to help translate what you’re both trying to say.
And if nothing changes, you may have to think about bigger decisions. Putting yourself first is not selfish. You can’t keep pouring from an empty cup. You deserve to feel connected, not just married.
U deserve to feel love and connected...
Thank you everyone. I opened up last night but he just got defensive. We are going to therapy but we just started so might be too early to see results. He said he feels like to goal post is constantly moving with me and nothing he does makes me happy. He doesn't understand why he has to constantly say he loves me if he comes home every day. I can't sleep and hardly eat. Not sure how much of this I can take. He says he is not familiar with communicating in the way I am asking. But I feel like this was stuff he was doing before. He doesn't see the sense in talking about something over and over but also said I could call him more too. But he either doesn't respond or gives me no energy back. I do believe there is a mental issue also, but he will not go to therapy on his own :(
@Najeeflower
I can relate you I had been this place. Even polite talk yell talk nothing was making him understand what I was feeling. Day by day the either he become silent or all of sudden rude. Left me more feeling alone. Did not know how to sort it out. It end did not well. But later I realise ..I was more complaining thn rather speaking i need your attention and time. I appreciate you are doing this and that but if you spend 20 min just with me ..will make me feel good.
Holding my hand or watching movie together I miss all that.
When I was angry my word were rude which I did not realise. I felt saying sorry would be forgiven. But it was hurting him too.
Asking him to write what he feel when I say this or ask this ? If can't say direct let write on msg n send.
Third i realise I had made him my world.
He loved me but he has his own life.
He can spend time alone. He had many thing of interest.
I had pen down which I understood later. If anything u can relate. Work on it. Better we work on ourself why it affecting me so much. Once you shift your energy might be their shift in dynamic. It good you are going to counsellor so that also will help.
Thank you. The anxiety attacks are just so strong. I can't sleep and eat. I think you are right, I am making him my world. I just want the pain to go away. Have you had anxiety attack due to an unemotional partner? If so, what did you do for relief? I am deperate for this pain to go away
Dear lonely,
I wish I had some great piece of advise to give you. Is marital counseling an option? I don't know. I can totally relate to you, I'm in the same boat with my fiance.
Hi @BookishWendy. We just started counseling again after a bit of break. I think it is too early to see any improvements yet. I just can't shake this sad feeling
I’m in the same place. I’m here for you.
@Najeeflower I am sorry you are going through this, I know exactly this feeling of loneliness. We have been in therapy for a couple months and honestly I am not seeing much of a change except for the night right after therapy. I wish you luck!
Thank you. Same to you @LagerthaLisa
Can you remember when you first noticed the change?
I would say in our first year of marriage. He would withdraw for no reason at all it seemed and would not tell me why. Then it turned out something was bothering him and he would share like months or years later.
I was in the same boat years ago. I asked, pleaded, begged and did all the things I could to make the marriage work but he was not interested in meeting any of my needs. What I finally figured out through therapy that he was a malignant narcissist and would never be able to change or meet my needs in a way that would work for us. Finally divorced and couldn’t be happier. Not depressed or anxious all the time and now in a healthy relationship where my needs for championship are met in a loving way.
Thank you for sharing this. It gives me a bit of hope. I do think something mental is wrong with my husband. It's like he feels nothing when I cry or am sad