Overwhelmed Chronically-Ill Caregiver
Hey there, I'm Belle, I am a newbie here and I’m a 50+ living with a chronic illness that will eventually be terminal, doctors say about five more years is average, even with treatment, however, I am holding my own and haven't declined 🤞🏻. It does, however, limit what I can do day to day, fatigue really is a huge thing for me. I’m lucky to have an amazing, supportive husband, but we don’t have kids, just our fur babies. My Dad passed and my Mom moved in with us before the pandemic. Hubby's a bit older but has health issues himself. He works FT both in the office and remotely, and there is talk he will be returning to being in the office full time in the new year and the office is moving to a new location. He has a little while to retire but we are going to have to move, since we can't afford to stay in our city and are looking at the east coast.
I’ve been battling depression and anxiety for a years now, but because of my health, five different specialists have told me antidepressants etc are no longer an option. Therapy’s out too, since it’s too expensive for us right now, our finances are pretty dismal. The freelancing I was doing pretty much dried up...so we're basically trying to get by and I am left trying to manage my mental health on my own with online self-help sites, books etc. I stay pretty close to home, and don't drive. So I am trying to take courses, work on my own projects and create an online business. As for my mom things have gotten even tougher since October 2024 when my mom had a medical crisis/surgery which left her with a form of dementia. She’s had three additional surgeries since, and sadly, she’s become confused and childlike, some days are good, but often she doesn’t even remember my dad’s death or that she lives with us permanently now.
My immediate family is really small, just me, my husband , my mom, and her sister (my aunt), who’s terminal. My aunt’s widowed, has no kids, and lives in another city. As long as I can remember I always ran when she needed me, except for now. I have no siblings. Right now, it’s just my husband and I caring for my mom. I feel so incredibly guilty I can’t do more for my aunt, but she won’t accept help and things are getting risky with her health and living conditions. Her best friend keeps confronting me demanding that I step in, but I’m physically, emotionally, time limited and financially stretched thin. She won't accept other help or help herself.
My mom means the world to me, she’s been my best friend and my rock. I know she had a rough childhood (abuse etc), so I want to support her as much as possible, and with all the compassion she deserves but honestly, it’s overwhelming. She’s fragile but tries so hard to do what she can for herself.
Normally, I get through life with humor and just rolling with whatever comes at me. But right now, I’m so overwhelmed and anxious I sometimes feel like I can’t handle it all. Even getting out of bed feels like a huge effort, and I’m close to tears more often than I’d like.
Before my health declined I worked in social services for years, mainly with victims of violence and those with severe mental health problems. I’ve also been through violence and abuse myself, which has left me with moments of PTSD. I’m pretty good at being the person who helps others, everyone looks to me for answers. My closest supports in addition my husband, have either moved across the country and we've lost track, but most have passed away over the past few years (far too young). I always choose to help people when I can but when it comes to helping myself, I’m stuck, I'm exhausted and just a little overwhelmed.
Now that I have written this novel...lol I guess, I am feeling lost and looking to hear how others have managed, I know I can't be the only one. Sorry if I am not supposed to do this, or if I am in the wrong place...this is new for me and so incredibly out of my comfort zone. Thanks.
Hi, Bookish Belle,
I like your name you chose for yourself, and I gather you like to read books. I can’t claim to know the answers to your distressing questions, but I can say I understand fully the feeling of being overwhelmed when the demands from all these people you love and you want to help just get to be too much.
And, I wonder, as just an idea, how it might feel different to you if you can frame your life narrative some way as though you are the Heroine of some glorious adventure story, where you have been given these almost insurmountable challenges and you, as the Heroine, are going to, bit by bit, rise up to the challenges, as the Heroine of your story. And, oh, you will have magical Helpers as well, those of us here on 7 Cups who will encourage you in your endeavors, and maybe even provide to you a magical fire-breathing dragon or two?
What helped me when I was caregiving for both parents in the home — they have long since gone to their better place — was imagining that what I was doing was Hero’s work, worthy, magnificent work. And that nothing done with love is ever wasted.
It seems like finding community, whether it is by sharing on a Sharing Circle here, or joining some of the groups (the over 50 community is lovely and has fantastic sessions offered many days of the week) might at least relieve some of the mental burden of feeling isolated in your distress.
Also, maybe others have some good tips to pass along to you.
Thank you for bravely sharing out here and I wish you and your loved ones all the best.
Love and Courage,
Calm Rosebud
Hi, there,
I’ve linked the discussions (50+ though any age person over age 18 is welcome).
Thanks so much Calm Rosebud, this was out of my comfort zone, and I appreciate you reaching out. As an only child I am and always have been introverted with a small circle who in recent years have moved away or passed away, most way too young. I hope to find some footing here and I connected with an amazing listener last night who helped. I love your analogy of being the heroine in my own story, but sadly instead of bravely swinging across a chasm I feel like I'm always missing the mark... more of Wiley Coyote swinging into the cliff wall and sliding to his doom always just missing the elusive roadrunner...lol sorry I should have warned everyone about my humour... albeit bad humour lol. I guess, I feel I should be able to do more, and because of my health I struggle and feel guilty. Before my health declined I was working full-time, doing freelance part-time, running here,there and everywhere for whoever needed me, going to university part time and felt I was there for my loved ones. I know this guilt is on me but I have a hard time ignoring it. I am still navigating the app, I tried a while back but found I didn't have the time to go through it properly. This past week was an incredibly tough one and I know I need support. Thanks so much for taking the time. ❤️
@BookishBelleG11
I’m so glad you found a good Listener! Worth more than gold.
Also, welcome to 7 cups! You are soo very welcome. I will be happy to support you on any of your caregiving journey — I’ve accumulated quite a library here from when I was caring for my parents, happy to pass on titles that were especially helpful.
You are so very welcome here.
Calm Rosebud
I think I will be able to gain some insights and find a little bit of peace here. That would be great, I welcome any resources, advice etc. in that manner I am inquiring at the best of times and I know especially in this situation knowledgeable is necessary. Thanks again, I appreciate you!
@BookishBelleG11
Hello, It is so nice to meet you BookishBelle. My name is Annie. Thank you for sharing your heartwarming story with us. So brave of you to open up and share. I am very sorry to hear about all that you are struggling with. I am a senior also and can relate to some of your issues. If you would like to connect, I would like to get to know you better and I can share what I am coping with. I also struggle with depression and anxiety. I have some chronic health issues as well. Looking forward to talking with you.
Have a wonderfully blessed day.
Hi Annie, it's such a pleasure to meet you! Thanks so much for reaching out. Please tell me about what brings you here, it would be nice to chat with someone who understands. Have a wonderful day. ☺️
Just an update, we had another trip to emergency after my Mom took a bad tumble and split her head open. Luckily after almost 24 hours she was cleared to come home. They say when it rains it pours, while in the ER with my mom, my aunt's doctor calls and says her cognitive testing suggests she too has cognitive decline and can not return home and asks what I am going to do about it. After I explained the situation and I actually slept (after 48 hours of being awake) this afternoon we had a meeting. With my aunt's other health issues in addition to the cognitive decline not to mention the room, ability or means to take her on she will be going to a LTC facility. I have also asked about a public trustee. In two years we are moving to another province and I am also concerned if my illness wins that my husband who has already promised to care for my mom will be burdened with my aunt as well and I can't do that to him. We are trying to get her into a facility near us that we would be able to visit more than we are able to now. I feel so incredibly guilty but I know I wouldn't be able to provide the care she needs and it could jeopardize every thing with my husband, my mom and myself. Everything is still up in the air and I am hoping I have made the best decisions for everyone.
@BookishBelleG11. It can be extremely hard to care for someone with cognitive decline. Even more difficult with all the things in your situation that you have described. It sounds like you made a good decision.
Thanks so much, still rationally know it's for the best, trying to wrestle with guilt and grief.
@BookishBelleG11
It’s very challenging balancing all these multiple needs, and you have considered all the factors. Plus, you’ll be able to visit your aunt more now that she will be in a facility closer to you. To me it seems like you made the best possible decision, considering all your family’s health needs. You’re a kind person and you are doing a good thing to reach out here. The stress of caregiving so many people isn’t easy by any means. I hope the situation gradually settles to a new normal, but however it develops, there will always be someone here to respond to you and listen to you.
Thanks so much, I'm trying to take it one day at a time.
If you need a listener, my dms are always open for you
Thanks so much, I really appreciate it! Still trying to navigate the app in the limited time I have had over the past few days but I will definitely try and check in. Thanks again.
@BookishBelleG11
Hi Belle.,
Thank you for sharing so openly. It sounds like you are carrying an extraordinary amount on your shoulders, and it is completely understandable that you feel exhausted, overwhelmed and unsure of where to turn next. You have lived through so much loss and change, while coping with your own health challenges, supporting your husband, and caring for your mum. That is not a small burden by any measure. The fact that you are still looking for ways to cope and reach out shows strength, even if you do not feel strong right now.
It also makes sense that the guilt about your aunt weighs heavily, but one person cannot do everything. Caring for your mum, your home, your own health and your emotional wellbeing is already more than most could manage. It is not a personal failure to have limits, it is simply human reality. The frustration from her friend must feel harsh when you are already stretched to your limit, but needing boundaries does not make you unkind.
You mentioned humour usually gets you through life, and I hope that spark stays with you even in the more tougher days. Perhaps what you need now is less pressure to be the one who copes "perfectly" and more space to be gentle with yourself.
We are so glad you posted and we are glad you are here with us. Welcome to 7 Cups.
Thanks so much, I really appreciate it. I am finding the app is helping, probably with a little more time I can get familiar with it enough to be a bit more interactive. Funny, thing is I know what I would say to someone else struggling but to internalize it myself is proving to be a challenge. Thanks again for reaching out, everything helps! ð¥¹