Ramblings before the brain flicker switch breaks and the darkness prevails
Trigger warning for anything. I don't recommend reading this. I am old and my brain flickers often, kind of a reset thing. Sometimes I "come to" or focus and I have no idea where I am or who I am. Sometimes it's only for a few seconds and somethings become recognizable, sometimes not so much. I have reminder lists of certain things that sometimes help, sometimes it makes things more confusing. I think I have trashed these lists in the past in my frustration.
At this point , it seems that things have changed to the point that I must have been scared of how bad things were getting with the flickers. I am off work until testing and such can be done to minimize driving, unfortunately I have a few times yet of driving before I can give it up . A few of these appointments included. Until I can somehow navigate this messed up life I am stuck in.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami
@Amanda84
Thank you...
I just realized that I am losing the battle of being a good... advocate, for myself in regards to this situation I am in.
I have been trying to reach out to a few places regarding my issues and possible assistance or suggestions. I just sent an email off to one of those places and I seemed to do what I tend to do here , ramble away from original direction intended.
I don't think that things are going to be productive when verbally I am struggling to speak the proper words and now written words are headed that direction as well.
Going through this alone is beginning to show me the futility of the situation.
Of all the things I struggle with, this latest addition of the constant ringing or high pitched tone in my ears is quite literally triggering a sense of dread and hopelessness. That "straw that broke the camel's back " kind of thing. It gives me that heavy feeling in my stomach. For such a simple yet annoying thing to hold so much sway over me is disturbing.
To what end do I continue to chase the bread crumbs back here and then struggle more and more to put words to paper in a form that bears any resemblance of sanity .
It can't be for my benefit, because I struggle to remember the simple things much less the complex history I have here.
I can't imagine it is for anyone else, at this point trying to reread the recent writings I think I have written here, they are like spokes on a wheel. They radiate from me and go in many different directions but I have to believe that someday, somehow, they will all be connected on the other end of their path.
Rereading that proves my point about the irregularity within my own writings anymore. Things I start to write and the direction that I intend to take them veers off course almost immediately.
I might be having what is called a lucid moment. But even if I am, I probably am using the wrong word.
I am getting thoughts that I am not sure about the validity of them but nevertheless they seem to indicate that I at some point thought it would be better to not have memories.
If that is in fact true, I will say I don't know why I would believe that. But I am sure I had very good reasons for that thinking. I just don't think I realized the loss of everything that has transpired here would be a part of that loss.
I made my way back here and don't remember what I wanted to write.
I have managed to finally get the majority of my tools and related out of my work truck. I just have a few things to take off then it will be ready for returning to company. Not sure how long I have been off work but it has taken until today to get it unloaded. Overall it was a lot of work but the little bit at a time that I could barely handle seemed like I was making no progress.
It doesn't seem possible but nearing the end of that task is depressing. A big part of my life is something I can no longer physically handle. Unfortunately, everything I unloaded has no future purpose for me.
I found out that the company I am/was working for has made some more changes while I have been gone. Things I had tried to voice to others and they , as usual didn't want to believe they were going to be doing anything like that.
I suppose my bodies failing now would be considered to some people, a blessing in disguise. Forcing me out without having to be subject to those changes that would whittle me down quicker than this company already has been.
I think I have a doctors appointment tomorrow morning, lab work/blood work. I have lost track of the days, time isn't much of a factor anymore either.
If tomorrow is the 16th of February then I do have an appointment in the morning. If I am able, I should probably pick up a battery for my personal truck even though it's not in reliable condition. I suppose, just in case.
That was one thing I forgot to take care of before the snow and cold. I forgot to either attach and plug in the battery maintainer or remove the battery . I failed to do either on time and the battery froze again.
I suppose it will be the last one I will ever buy for my own vehicles.
Headache and ear ringing is back.
I think I have mentioned before that I have been communicating via email with someone who is supposedly my sister.
Anyway, I'm in a situation now that I am going to put my life in their hands. I am going to try and figure out how to give them ?medical proxy?. They can try and help with doctor appointments, communication and trying to coordinate possible transportation.
I am not comfortable with this but obviously I don't have options. They live a long ways away but if they can manage a little bit of things it might help get me to appointments. Plus with verbal communication which I am struggling with.
Right or wrong, it is the direction I think I need to go.
Before I lose focus again. I am currently trying to find homes/inventory the things from my work truck. If anyone was living with me they would probably be quite irritated with the massive clutter from everything I brought in from the truck. I still have a few things stacked outside but until I get the majority of what's inside put away I can't do anything else with it.
I think another blizzard is coming through today and the next few days so it will be a long while before it gets dug out to do anything with anyway. At least if we get what amount they are thinking.
I suppose I should get dressed and see if the mail came yet so I can address anymore medical bills that show up.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami. I am a medical proxy/health care surrogate for someone. There may be other ways to do it but I had the papers done by a lawyer. It’s a good idea to have someone to help you when experiencing memory problems.
@adventurousBranch3786
They, well I suppose if I am going to trust them with these things I should start addressing them as my sister, irregardless of the fact I truly don't remember them at all. So I will begin again.
My sister sent me a long breakdown of the differences of proxies etc., I don't remember the details but what I think would be the correct one for now involves some form I have to fill out for every doctor I need to see. There was another one I think that involved giving full control of decisions like financial and related that possibly needs a lawyer involved.
I could be wrong on what little I remember, but I suppose that we will find out once things start progressing that way.
Either way I think a lawyer will need to be involved to start the process for disability, which is another thing I struggle with accepting. Sorry, I will attempt to try and avoid rambling.
I appreciate your advice/input. I can use any I can get anymore. This whole thing is overwhelming.
Thank you...
the mail trip was a waste of effort. No mail and I about fell over trying not to lose my hat in the high wind gusts. i suppose I will let whatever gets delivered by the poor person having to deliver in the upcoming conditions get soaked in the snow.
I think this ringing noise in my ears has been plaguing me for awhile. At times it is just annoying and others for no apparent reason it is body chilling.
Started the proxy process for my ?sister? . She went right at it as soon as I notified her of that. Started calling doctors and such .