Starting over after 50+
Hey I'm new here.
I'm 57 and been single for 15 years now with a single relationship since. Spent a lot of the first few years working on the thinks i felt that needed attention in myself. Feel like I'm in a good place myself and would like to think of myself as a worthy investment for a woman.
But i just can't seem to find the connection my soul desires. I've been on 8 or so first dates. But that's about it. I don't believe in wasting anyone's time if I'm not feeling it in the beginning. I'm only looking for one woman, but i want to her to be someone who makes me forget other women exist. I don't believe it's hard to get the beginnings of that from a first date. Kinda like visualizing your future with a person. If i don't see it, a connection won't happen. Guess you can chalk it up to my age, experience, and knowing exactly what i want because I've experienced what i don't want wayyyyyy too much.
At my age it's starting to feel like a chore or an impossible hurdle now.
Anyone have and good insight or constructive criticism? It would be much appreciated.
Thanks
S
Edit: the first sentence was supposed to say ... "Not one relationship since".
@Irwendol
ok now it makes sense. I read it many times. Thought I was asleep 😄
I wish you all the best. Just saying you are ready now for that “one” woman, truly feels you are willing to give that woman what she deserves. I admire the fact that you don’t want to waste anyone’s time in dating if there’s no connection at all. Being single fir quite sometime means you actually value your time and space and certainly will not give it up unless its worth giving it up to that person. Please layout your needs quite clearly but only to the person who can reciprocate back. You sound you can read people well and will find your way in this world. I just hope you won’t focus on the past as tge future might look brighter if you give it a chance.
Good luck 🥰
@LadyInSilence
Thank you. I have a saying i like.. there's a reason why the windshield is larger than the rear view mirror.
Yes I'm finding out now, that the more you know about what you want, the harder it is to find it. But i think I'm going to stop looking and put my focus on the present. Im sure it will happen when it's supposed to. Patience was never my virtue though... Lol
@Irwendol
speaking of the windshield. My wipers need changing 😄 Thank you for reminding me.
Patience is my virtue lol and probably patience is giving up on me too lol.
@Irwendol
Welcome to 7Cups. Hope you find your person one day, loneliness can be a real kil,ler.
Queit
@QuietByNature
Thank you.
@Irwendol
I think it is worth waiting for the right person.
That being said you have 20 years more of life experience than me ;) You mentioned 8 first dates. Sounds like you think it has been a lot. It could have been just one month or 1.5 year to get those 8 dates. Maybe you are closer to the seconded since you seem to start feeling frustrated.
Maybe it could help to try to enjoy even the first dates and maybe some friendships before you meet the right person. Like to not wait with feeling connected till you find the special person. But to not force yourself into a compromise in starting romantic relationship that you are not convinced about?
@pinkCherry1313 thanks for your reply i appreciate your input!
Those are first dates over 8 or so years. I can't tell you how much time I've wasted online talking to different people, doing the typical "get to know each other" convos till I'm blue in the face. I'm honestly tired of telling people about myself. my mind thinks I'm a broken record lmao 🤣 Only to have 97% of those end up in 3 bins....1. Ghost bin 2. I carry the whole conversation or 3. I do a bg check out reverse image search and they are either fake or heavily doctored pics. ( #3 i find is a must now a days with anyone i meet on line. )
Being a man, I'm a visual beast by nature. So that box has to be checked before my brain will engage in anything. I'm not looking for a model. I'm just looking for the one that captivates me into pursuit mode.. And personality certainly is a major part of what captivates me into a woman. Id much rather be with someone i can laugh uncontrollably with at 85 still, than to have arm candy right now.
It would be great to meet someone with similar interests that we both are intrigued by each other and just do things together without labeling anything. Just i guess friendship with possibilities. I think that's what you were suggesting now that i think about it . Haha..
Thanks, i appreciate ya! 😊
@Irwendol
laugh uncontrollably at 85?! I couldn’t stop thinking my fake teeth falling or pissing myself 😄😄
I’m sorry I’ quite visual too
@Irwendol
I'm a couple of years older and in a very similar position. I'm not specifically looking for 'the one's just trying to appreciate the contacts I do make, hoping to be more open and appreciative of friendship and yeah, you never know maybe I might find someone special I connect with.
@RunningMachine i definitely understand what you mean. I guess s problem i have is in not much of a social butterfly (or moth as a guy lol) . I don't go many places to meet people like bars or what not. I think a woman would have a very high probability of catching me at home Depot or tractor supply haha.. I'm an introvert so getting out of that comfort bubble isn't my best of qualities i guess lol.
Thanks for your input! I hope you find your person soon as well!
@Irwenfol
It strucks me now. You mention you are introvert who makes himself go to first dates and is tired of selling-yourself-introductory-pitches. Maybe it would be less frustrating and more rewarding to try participating in some community/ies - even if it feels more effort-full to start with. Someone mentioned church classes. Maybe dance class? Somewhere, where you would not have start a conversation with dating in mind? Somewhere where you would have chance meet and naturally get to know a decent woman? Note: It might be somewhere else then Home Depot ;)
You and I, are very much alike haha, however, allow me to say the following; I truly admire how you’ve taken the time to reflect and grow as a person. It seems you’ve done a lot of meaningful work on yourself and that isn’t in the slightest bit easy to do, however it does say a lot about the type of partner you’d want to be.
I suppose some of us are just wired to search for a deeper kind of connection and bond, rather than something casual or halfway. Wanting something real and meaningful isn’t a flaw, even if the process of finding it can feel exhausting at times. I think, it’s a beautiful thing that you still are hopeful after all of your experiences.
The only gentle thought I had while reading your post is that at times those deeper connections do not always show themselves fully on the first date. At times the spark is immediate, but other times it may grow gradually, as the other person becomes comfortable.
I truly hope you don’t lose heart with finding the one, the connection you’re after may take a teeny tiny bit longer to find, but I am certain that it is out there.
@lyricalPeace46 thank you so much for your kind words. They mean s lot to me! I'll admit i have done a lot of work in myself during the time past, most was flaws i was graciously shown by God that needed fixing. (Google this video. Skit guys the chisel) That set me on a path of self reflection, healing and ultimately forgiveness. I give God all the credit for the person i am now. I was a bit of a old fashioned bear before my divorce.
But the most beautiful thing I've seen so far in my journey is how He takes these unintended events in our lives and use them for our growth, to bless others, and just great teaching moments, of our eyes are open to see it. Without going into any detail about my marriage, my divorced turned into a blessing for someone else. The man my ex married had a terrible motorcycle accident on the interstate. Was almost killed. (About 6 months into their marriage) He recovered. But with disabilities. But God used that situation to do many things in my soul. I got to see His purpose in action regardless of our stupidity. It healed my heart and brought forgiveness into a heart i swore i would never forgive. Most of all, while having lunch with them, he had an anxiety episode, and i witnessed her jump right into "wife mode" and do everything she could to help and protect him from his anxiety. In that moment, I understood what he was doing! He took something her and i destroyed and put her exactly where she was needed the most. She still takes great care of him and he's thankfully made a huge recovery. Anyway, I'm rambling, but what i saw was God doing his things ahead of time, and putting people exactly where they are needed most.
I'm grateful for that moment to see. Something that would've normally infuriated me to no end, healed me and showed me His had his hands in everything, even if we screw up what he wants for us, He turns something bad and unintended into something that was a blessing.
Thanks for your input, i truly appreciate it!
S
@Irwendol
Don't underestimate the possibility of finding the right person at a church mass. That would at least be one big plus that you both have in common.
The only thing I have in common with my wife is that we both like the outdoors IE: walking, hiking through wooded areas and puzzles. We have been together for 4+ decades.
@KarinaEliza
Have faith Karina, what we need always send to find us right when we needed it at the perfect time.
@KarinaEliza
was that just good luck?! I’m not good at languages 😋
Excuse my humour, its running down the drain 😄 I need to find someone before it vanishes
@Irwendol
You make a good point that at a certain age we know what we want and what we do Not. I think a good portion of seeing something or feeling maybe can be done in a single meeting. But real connection takes more time IMO.
@toughTiger6481
Yes i agree with you. I don't trust the giddy, lovestruck feelings in the beginning. One step at a time, i guess. I try to stay grateful for what i have in the moment when i can. Keeps the lonely future thoughts away..
But I'm also wrestling with dysthymia all this time too. Makes life interesting i guess lol
@Irwendol
I am sorry about the dysthymia. I have always found life changes and people come in to or leave our lives when things want to............ not according to our situation or what we have going on.
I try not to worry about lonely or what ifs. That can change when we least expect it.
Like the saying "If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plan."
We find things when we are not or quit looking for it. If we left the house each day looking for something we will not find it but if we take the "whatever we face today I am ready" sometimes we find things we may have missed.
@toughTiger6481
LMAO i think God had turned me into a long standing sitcom that he watched often haha..
@Ірвендол
we are always looking for someone so as not to be alone. As a person 50+ I can say that the best thing at this age is to enjoy life every moment - it's sports, your favorite thing, people who support and respect you. And then your person will find you💛. I wish you all the best in life!✨
@Irwendol Welcome to 7 cups. I hope you find that person. Sometimes things seem difficult and we just need time. Good luck!