Things my mind hides or loses….which is beginning to be just about everything .
Trigger warning for many things, not sure of specifics until I write it down
I think I have other writings here …. somewhere…that are similar. Possibly with the same content, intention and purpose. Documentation of my issues and decline so maybe after I am gone that it might help someone from having a “life” like mine.
First of all, I better write down something while I still have a few threads in my mind.
I had this dream/nightmare that seems real familiar but don’t know why. Unfortunately, I don’t remember much now since I insisted on writing the intro first.
I was living in a huge house, or maybe I was just really small? There were other people there but I have now forgotten what they looked like . For some reason there were these long electrical cords with plug pigtails every foot or so connected all over the house. These cords are identical to ones I periodically use in my real world job. Well this was pointless, I have now forgotten everything I was trying to remember to write down here.
But, then again it’s what has become my normal daily routine. Forgetting everything from one step to the next.
I have a reminder board that helps try and guide me back to this community, making sure I know this is a safe place. I also have a highlighted note there that tells me to remember to not discuss certain topics here because of the fear of the current governments overreaching childish racist, prejudice behavior rolling back the positive acceptance and changes reached over the years and preaching hate masked as religion.
I also highlighted the personal things I shouldn’t discuss here because of that. I think even my personal doctor has given up on me because of the new legal landscape around this country. I looked at the notes left after my last visit and they were very blunt in what they stated. Plus she wanted me to schedule the next appointment six months from then. Which is an extremely long time from the normal times.
She is probably right though. Her final words are probably what is going to be my reality. She has really pushed me for going back to therapy and all that goes with that. I have resisted that for many reasons including the lifetime of doing all of that and still being the way I am. The reality is tgat I think not continuing that path and stumbling into this community was the better path. Especially considering everything happening in this country and around the world right now. Private information including medical information are being accessed by the people in power so that that information can be weaponized against us.
The freedom that we have been lucky enough to have for so long is being quickly stripped away and soon will be replaced with fear and control.
Sorry, I am rambling on about unrelated things. This was supposed to be a spot to write down things before they ho missing from my mind.
I will stop for now..
@Iamwhoiamwhoami are you still taking pain meds?? You are doing really well at managing to work through the pain💖 I know that's not easy to do😕 I do try to keep my piggies entertained 😁 I love them very much 💖 hugs you tightly 💖I love you 💗
@Tinywhisper11
I avoid taking them unless the pain is unbearable. I think I still have a few pills left from the last prescription, I think from December??
It's kind of a situation that I don't really have a choice, with the nonsense going on with everything here, trying to get disability or even social security is not a secure option. The sad thing is the politics that say how much money the government supposedly pays out in social security benefits is being blamed for government spending, but the reality is everyone pays a good chunk of their paycheck to that specific program. That money is supposed to be used to fund each of us when we get old, disabled, retire, or something along those lines. All that money to put it in very basic terms (granted it has supposedly become complicated because of political nonsense) but simply put it is kind of like a savings account for ones old age.
After all the years that it has been in place that root purpose and the reality of where that money comes from and who it's for and why have been lost in propaganda.
Sorry, I am rambling again. It's just frustrating, I think a long time ago that they actually sent documentation to each person of what that individual would receive if they needed to start collecting at the point in time that the document was printed. Which was based on that individuals contributions.
I kind of compare what has happened to social security funds to those parents who spend the money that was set aside for their children's future and they have no remorse at all about doing it.
Anyway......
💖💖Hugs you💖💖I love you💖💖
One would think that with all the brain flickers and memory issues that I would "forget" about any and all depression issues, among the many other issues. But nooooo, I always have that along with the other things.
It seems that it is a two stage thing with me, severe and extremely severe. Not sure what the actual differences really are between them but I think there is the "normal" severe depression. 28hrs a day 8 days a week. Then there is the extremely severe that is mentally crippling. When that kicks in it seems to hold on with a persistence that can't be shaken.
Not sure if it's just my imagination or actual fact but it seems when the extreme kicks in the flickers minimize in severity. Maybe I just don't realize they are happening at that point.
Trying to pretend I care about anything, literally anything is near traumatizing.
I think it's also difficult to put into words anything worthwhile to write here. I just struggle to put two words together that makes any sense.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami hi sweetie 💖 I haven't been on here for a couple of days, at the moment my depression is crippling to🙁 so I sympathise with you and hugs you💖 yeah disability in the UK has apparently gotten extremely hard to claim since covid, to many people are now claiming, but that is what part of tax from your paycheck goes towards, the system seems to be quite messed up😕 I know it's hard to write here sometimes, knowing what to write and how to write it is difficult🙁 but remember this is your safe place, and what you write doesn't have to make sense. It's always helped you to write here so please continue to write. You are loved and cared about here, I love you and I care💖 I hope your keeping warm 💖 hugs you tightly 💖 I love you💖
I love you too❤️💖
@Iamwhoiamwhoami how are you feeling right now?
Right now? Better after hearing from you.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami awww 💖💖 I'm so sorry I haven't been here for you so much🙁 things are just hard mentally for me right now🙁 but I will try harder💖 💖 are you all organised ready for the white stuff now?
@Tinywhisper11
You have nothing to apologize for. The struggles we face are extremely difficult overall much less the day by day. Your responsibility is always to yourself first and foremost.
Never ready for that stuff. I suppose mostly as I can be. Possibly one or two rounds with the mower then put it away for the cold season.
Is your cold any better?
❤️❤️
@Iamwhoiamwhoami you should get one of those mowers you ride on😁 they look like fun 😁💖 in still taking antibiotics, extremely sleep deprived and in so much pain from coughing. So not feeling better yet🙁 but hopefully soon 💖
@Tinywhisper11
That's what I have, a riding mower. ❤️ I wish there was something I could do to make your suffering go away.❤️
@Iamwhoiamwhoami you have a riding mower😮😮 they are so cool, I'd have so much fun if I had one of those😁 don't worry about me 💖 I'll be ok, I always am💖😁💖 trying to keep busy in my own little way💖 how's things going on your side of the world?
Referring to the childish behavior of the government and its related actions and lies? Or is that more directed towards my personal spot in it?
The government is currently in shutdown mode because they can't agree on anything , especially the budget. The childish accusations of blame have escalated which has a rippling effect on the people all over. The accusations that are based solely on lies, propaganda and misinformation have created a completely divided and distrusting environment. Nothing can be taken at face value anymore.
The blatant outbursts and behaviors of the ones in power are so misguided and divisive, the actions taken and targeted behaviors and attacks by those people are rapidly pulling and unraveling the threads that have been woven to protect this country from everything that is happening now. The rule of law and basic human morals and true accountability are being thrown away by the ones in charge . Which is rapidly showing the after effects of those actions and behaviors when it is interpreted by the people in real society.
Things are getting worse and the lies and propaganda that the government is continuing to spread is creating a lot of violence amongst the people across this country. Which that violence only creates more lies and propaganda and misinformation. It's a very slippery slope that is destroying this country.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami it all sounds so bad and scary over there🙁 we will never be able to understand people's actions and minds, but it really makes you question everything😕 I'm glad your not in a city or town. Other than having to go to work, I hope and pray you will always be safe💖 my chest infection is starting to go😁 I'm not coughing so much tonight and I was able to sleep for 4 and a half hours instead of 2😁💖 yaaaay💖 I hope your having a decent day 💖 hugs you tightly 💖I love you 💗
@Tinywhisper11
That is great news, hopefully you continue to get better. 💖I love you💖Hugging you back💖
@Tinywhisper11. I hope that you feel better too ❤️.
@adventurousBranch3786 💖Thank you 💖I love you 💗
@Iamwhoiamwhoami
@Tinywhisper11
Still breathing..... I think...
@Iamwhoiamwhoami 😂😂 well that's always a good sign💖😁💖 have you eaten today??
@Tinywhisper11
A few bites. 💖
@Iamwhoiamwhoami well that's ok 💖 it's better than nothing💖💖 are you coping with the weather ok?
@Tinywhisper11
As well as anyone else I suppose. I am really tired so if I don't respond I probably fell asleep.💖💖
As much as anyone else I suppose. It has been rainy and cold for several days.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami yeah the weather hasn't been great here either🙁 i hope you can sleep well 💖 I love you 💗
@Tinywhisper11
💖love you too 💖
@Iamwhoiamwhoami good morning💖💖 I hope your doing ok?
@Tinywhisper11
Nothing has changed here. 💖💖
