Marriage issues
Just looking for a forum to connect with others who can help me with issues in my marriage. They're issues stemming from 40+ years of marriage. Just reaching out for help is all. It's been ongoing for many years and I guess I'm just at the age where it's just too exhausting and discouraging to me. Sometimes I just want out and be alone... sadly. I just don't understand her lack of interest in me. Seems it's always one sided where I have to do all the effort to keep us together. Been that way a long time.
I deal with a wife who has always been passive agressive in many ways and I tell ya, it gets wearisome a lot. Just tired of dealing with it.
Here kind of the same. But speechless and clueless finally.
I have been through the same thing.
My marriage was domestically abusive emotionally, verbally, mentally and physically (her to me)
It wore me down to the point I was working 6 days a week, 12-hour shifts and still coming back to the same after long shifts.
1st September 2020, I had a breakdown, the marriage ended, I've never been able to go back to work because of the mental exhaustion, it still affects me today and the tough part is we have kids together, and I still see her daily, I guess I'm stronger in telling her I don't have to listen to her vulgar language if she tries it anymore.
@iCareUK
Something strange just occurred to me... 2 years later (1st September 2022), I joined back to 7 cups.
I left and deleted years ago because she was constantly going through my phone and looking through messages, I'm strong in confidentiality, I deleted my account, so she doesn't look through private conversations with members.
I now live alone, haunted by her and with no interest in entering another relationship anytime soon, 0 sex drive and with severe anxiety.
I never signed up to that in my marriage vows! Oh, let me add that when I had a breakdown, she said "I haven't got the time nor the patience to be dealing with this or you" - so, she broke our marriage vows many times, it took her to say this above everything else for me to pack my bags and leave.
Seems you have it a lot worse than I do. Sorry you went through all that.
My wife just draws in to herself and we don't communicate. I mean I try, but she makes it hard sometimes. She just doesnt reach out and fulfill her part of the marriage. We havent been "intimate" for over a year and a half now. I finally gave up since she seems to have little interest in it anymore. In fact, a while back she stated something to the effect of "I figured if you want it, you'll come for it.". Not much of a turn on for me.
I hope you will get better soon.
I will reach out as a wife....... a long way into this marriage ........and it is sad people who once had something end up hating every moment together.....how did it happen...
It was not one thing but a bunch of small things..... no longer making any effort in romance...... never any fun or flirty things....... his ides of foreplay was whip back a blanket and expecting me to climb aboard. letting himself go and yet commenting on my weight. inability to try anything new ....watched TV shows we have seen a dozen times .... puts off any task or chore until it becomes past due.... does not pay attention, does not help ........never plans anything fun ...tells me i like items only HE has ever liked and i never had shown an interest...........
but i am a spiteful B and impossible to live with...
... invited the grand kids over for a week and never even helped ....then ... then had nerve to tell our daughter "any time they were a delight" HOW THE *** would he know......questions every thing i tell him even though it 98 percent of the time is spot on .... and NOW when i am done ..... I lost any feeling i HAD and i am looking elsewhere for attention..... he does not understand where it went wrong..........
If your spouse has lost interest.... or is crabby when ever you are near........ look at every day life ........look at the small things ASK .... be open to whatever they say .....because believe me ignore it .......disgust and HATE grows like it is on steroids.
I hear you and I can totally understand. I'm not married myself but what you said resonates with my parent's marriage and I've seen my ma go through some tough years.
Just hoping you are well and are continuing to love yourself ❤️
@toughTiger6481
Thanks for sharing. Many couples are close and consider themselves close "soil mates" but I don't feel my wife and I have really ever been that close. Why did I marry her? Well, felt something there that just felt right at the time. But over the years I've discovered that having that close soul mate relationship just didn't come to be. I thought it was there at the beginning, but now it's not.
We are both first born so I think that may be part of it. They say that 2 first born people shouldn't marry.
What's said... take me back to the days before we married, with what I know now, I likely wouldn't have married her. There just isn't any intimacy or closeness to our relationship, and hasn't been for many years. She just doesn't seem to have an interest in that.
I can do things like flowers, simple house chores, use my carpenter skills to do things around the house for her and there's very little praise and appreciation expressed for it.
I just gave up trying anymore. Inbred behavior and mindset in people can seldom ever change. She is what she is and I don't think it will change.
Of course, I'm not saying I'm perfect. I just wished I knew what it would take to change things.
@RAS1960
I totally hear you and can empathize ..... if we knew what we know now not only would i not have married bit i would not have even dated him ...
I think people can change but the key is for them to change for themselves and if they see nothing wrong in their behavior they won't ......... I have made many changes and i realize part of how he is may be because i did NOT speak up and show appreciation etc....
i asked him to pretend i was someone new would you do the same things ?
like a job interview people put their best out there but after getting the job they slack off so i remind him there is an evaluation and people can be replaced.
@toughTiger6481
My wife seldom sees anything wrong in all she does. When we talk, she puts up defenses and justifies everything. That's why I quit talking about issues between us. I get nowhere in it. I mean, I admit my failures and all and will own up to it if I'm wrong, but she sees nothing wrong with what she does or doesn't do.
And when I try to tell her what I have issues with, she thinks I'm making her look like the terrible one. There's a level of self-righteousness about her that makes it hard to even talk about anything with her.
So... I just more or less give up and just accept the way things are, keep myself busy with work and hobbies and try not to let it get me down.
@RAS1960
I understand ......he did the same........ until i just gave him enough rope to hang himself...let him step into his own contradictions etc...never said I TOLD you so which i so could have just smiled and he knew
people who are the MOST defensive and self righteous ... are fighting themselves...... self awareness and the percent of fault in the breakdown they NEED to face.......no one is totally to blame......
it is a collaboration just like the good times were.... UNTIL both parties see that there is no headway.
I do not believe in the talk about it forever mode ..... i just developed a life of my own barely think about my roommate in it and he sees he is being left behind........
@toughTiger6481
I can certainly relate to what you're saying.
I got to where I busy myself with my hobbies and work. But I fight loneliness and depression along the way. I yearn to share my life with her, but when she keeps me distant, and don't show much interest in me and my life, and her passive aggressive behavior, I just don't know what to do anymore. I give up. We're now just two people living in the same house. 😔
My story is similar to all. We started out great, but 30 years later all the life stressors have pulled us apart. We are much more different now, in big ways like how to respond to our adult children, one with mental illness issues. We are ok roommates, but no longer strong partners. I wonder if it is worth it to stay, but I am afraid financially to leave. And we both have health issues now and I am concerned about being alone as we are in our late 60's.
My brother said to ask yourself are you better off without them or with them? If you can answer that, you k ow what.to do.
@Elsie73
many many are civil roommates....... not spouses not partners
Many many stay out of a financial plan built as two but to split it would make uncomfortable "golden" years........ many stay as they are expected to ........ but for both sides it is lonely and miserable.
"Cival roomates" is a good way of putting it. I think that's where we are at this point and have been for many years.
@RAS1960
Civil Roommates is OK........... as there are far more couples out there then you will know ....
they do all the pretend stuff for family photos and events think they can fake it and many people buy into it IMO it makes it worse when some people think
" why can those people manage and we can't " when in reality you are just seeing some ACTING......I see it now everywhere the subtle eye roll the i wish i was anywhere but here look when they are out
I have been through it ....
a lady i walk with telling me how happy they are after he spouse told the truth to most in the HOA that he literally hates her guts ........
i realized me being HONEST is far better then people smiling to her face and feeling sorry behind her back as they know what she is projecting is a LIE.
i am happier now roommate and i do the things i want i do not need to fake something that is just not there. Worked years for our "retirement" now we do not even want to be near each other ..... i gave up years in OT and hard work when i did want to spend time with him....
NOW my only regret was I delayed happiness expecting it would be here but it evaporated.......
if people can be happy embrace it do not think the goal post is down the road.
My spouse said this and it is true ...."till death due us part........ becomes the goal to break free"
@RAS1960 yes I can connect you with a marriage counselor
Don't give up my dear. 🤗
@RAS1960
RAS :
I am inviting you to join me in the Sharing Circle chat room ! 😊 where you can meet other members that you can share with and you can receive support !
@hounddog2021
I'm not sure how to get there... 😊
@RAS1960
RAS :
Go to 'Chats' tab then to 'Group Chat Support"
and then to 'Sharing Circle' chat room ~!
