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Difference between Grief and Self-Blame

User Profile: pamharley003
pamharley003 May 3rd, 2025

Grief: A natural response to a loss ( someone passing away ). A range of emotions such as sadness, anger or even relief.

Self - Blame: when we take responsibility for something even if it is not our fault.

We have grief when someone we love whtether family, friends loved ones etc pass away. We are sad that they passed away, angered over not being able to say good - bye or see them one last time and we may have relief their not suffering anymore.

We have self blame when something went wrong or we say I am sorry for things we did not cause to happen. Social pyschology states self - blame as a type of coping process. The scientific term of self - blame is known as self censure. 

Self - censure is when we restrict our voice or expression because of fear or the belief of someone else's opinion. 

What do you do for grief and self-blame ?

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User Profile: purpleTree4652
purpleTree4652 May 4th, 2025

@pamharley003

I can't get out of it.  I'm stuck in a whirlpool of grief.  I have had PTSD for 23 years.  I have gotten better but I'll never leave it behind.

3 replies
User Profile: purpleTree4652
purpleTree4652 May 4th, 2025

@purpleTree4652

P.S. even just discussing it here triggers it all back.

2 replies
User Profile: pamharley003
pamharley003 OP May 4th, 2025

@purpleTree4652

Sorry it has triggered you I do hope you will be okay 

User Profile: Amanda84
Amanda84 May 7th, 2025

@purpleTree4652 🥰💜 sending you hugs, Sorry to hear it's been so hard 💜

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User Profile: WharfRat
WharfRat May 4th, 2025

I grieve over missed opportunities to start friendships, maintain friendships, and lost friends.


1 reply
User Profile: pamharley003
pamharley003 OP May 4th, 2025

@WharfRat

You have friends here ones who will not leave you. I understand the friends part I have also lost friends but it happens 

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User Profile: toughTiger6481
toughTiger6481 May 4th, 2025

Grief in the sense of losing a person etc is something to me is been like so many things been  hijacked to be a pity party. I have known to many who are fake making any grief they may have as a look at them social media moment.  So many do not seem to grasp the concept and will make a show over death even if the person that passed was not that close. 

When someone passes there are many different feelings. Sometimes it could be sudden and a shock or long drawn out and a relief.  When someone close dies it should be a process of review of what a person brought into your life it does not happen all at once or on a time frame.  I deal with thoughts as they come up knowing we cannot change missed chances or unsaid things. 

Self blame is also for some an Olympic sport because they have such a high opinion of themselves that they actually had control over things they did not.  I think to many people are taught  to say they are sorry for things even when they had zero to do with what happened.  It becomes an auto response without much thought given that a person had any control or not in the situation. 

1 reply

great insights I have never put words to.  the last few years I have been going through that "process of review" that others brought into my life who have passed.  it's been so hard wanting to thank them over and over for their many kindnesses.  even though I know in my heart what they meant to me, and how much I appreciated them, it's the part of grief that really does come in waves.  you are so right, there is no time frame for these things.

interesting way to look at things:  self blame as an Olympic sport as someone has such a high opinion of themselves that they actually had control over these things.  i can see the truth in that comment.  however, when my father passed and I had asked him to go to the hospital his passing took me so by surprise and i felt responsible. he never wanted to go to the hospital. i felt it was my fault immediately.  that self blame.  my sister had to set me straight and allowed me to see that i had given the family time to come say their goodbyes.  however, it really was simply such a confidence in the doctors etc that i thought he would be ok.  truly, if God says it's someone's time, we have no control. but that self blame may be part of our innate coping mechanism to grief.  was the something else that I could have done?  was it my fault?  if only I had been there earlier?  really grateful for your insight though.  i'll remember your thoughts for the rest of my life.  we simply don't have control over things sometimes, so it's not our fault if we don't have control.  grief and death are so complicated though, especially when it comes to suicide.  one of my best friend's committed suicide 6 months after my father passed away.  and i was left taking care of her estate for her.  i truly understand first hand how we can all play the self blame, "what if I had done this or that" game for years to come.  again, we may not have control over what others do, but suicide is a really really tough one when it comes to grief and control questions.  could we have done more.

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User Profile: Amanda84
Amanda84 May 7th, 2025

@pamharley003 it's important to be aware that grief comes in so many stages and no two people grieve the same or need the same.

There's no time limits.

It's challenging.

Demanding.

Exhausting.

Confusing.

Reactive.

Self blame is another way to just hide from what you are feeling, you need to go through it to get through it.

We can grieve a loved one, a version of ourselves, a friendship, a relationship, a listener opportunity.

It's about patience.

Empathy.

Self compassion.