Need advice about trauma PLEASE!

@Jlyn1989

I can relate to your thread. My son was sexually abused by my step-father. He was very young at the time, we contacted the police but he got away with it. My mum didn't support me and it created more distance between us - so first of all, lots of love for doing the right thing and protecting your daughter.

My son went on to be sexually assaulted by his dad when he was older. Thankfully it was mild as far as sexual abuse is concerned. He's not seen his dad for about 4 years now and is 13. He's homeschooled full time-and my only child-and still struggles a lot with similar feelings to your daughter. I understand how she feels, and how tough it is to find that balance between caring for her after the assault and still looking after yourself and others in your life. Guilt is a difficult emotion to navigate and she's unblamingly craving something that's unbalanced and not healthy for her. Unfortunately I don't understand what's going on for them here. Maybe if they have all the time and attention from us it makes them feel safe that it won't happen again or that's the only way they'll feel truly loved.

Bad things happen in the world sometimes and they can be destructive. But we can be happy healthy, whole human beings.

We're 4 years in now and I'm no further on with my son than you are with your daughter. It's good you're reaching out for help, support and new ideas. It's the right place to be.

I know how hard things must be at times but while we're on our journey of helping them heal and grow to flourish, I feel all we can do is keep loving them, keep communicating and keep guiding them to what's good and balanced in the world while helping them create and find safety in the world. And it's always good for us to keep exploring our own, and the difficult feelings that come up for them.

I struggle to do these things alone and usually find groups and activities outside of home, like yoga for us both and meditations etc, but maybe doing family activities that promote feeling grounded, calm and safe together will help. My son has started going out alone and he's very anxious all the time. I've starting to introduce learning to feel safe in the world and techniques on how to get there (ways to activate the parasympathetic nervous system), and encourage him to look for safety in the world.

Ideally I'd be able to unfold for you all the deeper reasons behind how the abuse has caused your daughter to feel the way she does. That you both could have a beautiful heart to heart and all would be okay in the world. I get feelings of 'when will this be over" at times but I feel all we can do is love them and keep guiding them to feeling a core sense of self, a sense of safety and sense that they matter and have value.

Keep reaching out for help, ride this wave, maybe look for articles and organisations that can support you (I found a few parent ones lately in the UK), Maybe talk to your doctor if you have one or can find a good one. It's a hard slog but you'll be okay. We can fall into the trap of focusing on our mistakes sometimes too. Self compassion, self forgiveness and helping our children develop the same skills is important to be able to move forward. You're doing a better job than you realise and obviously care about your daughter (try and see this more and more). Keep working on your own self-esteem, sense of self, sense of safety and self compassion etc and just keep swimming with it all. The end date is unknown but life has a way of really helping us out in ways we weren't expecting and at times we weren't expecting.

I hope you're finding a balance between work and rest and suspect it's hard with four kids. I find it hard with one.

I hope you get all the support you need and sending lots of love 🙏

Thank you for protecting your daughter!

@Jlyn1989 I'm not an expert, just a listener here, but it sounds like you are doing the right things in keeping communication open, trying to keep your daughter involved in school activities, and not letting your attention constantly focus on her.

There's been research into traumatic events that shows different people react very differently to exactly the same event, ranging from no psychological effects whatever, all the way to psychological trauma that requires long term treatment. Why there's this range of reactions is a bit of a mystery. Anyway, it could mean that the issues your daughter is struggling with are not necessarily the direct result of the sexual assault she experienced.

There's also been research that shows automatically offering counselling after a traumatic event makes for worse outcomes, on average. It turns out counselling is best used to address specific issues that might arise, and if no issues ever arise, then it's best to avoid counselling. Refusing to see a counsellor could be because your daughter instinctively understands this, or it could be her way of rejecting the stigma of victimhood. Feeling like no one loves her or wants to spend time with her could also be consistent with perceived stigma.

I've used the word "could" a lot because I'm aware that I don't know your daughter and some of the ideas I've suggested here are just guesswork.

For more specific support you might want to consider chatting with listeners here at 7 Cups. You can use our Browse Listeners page to find experienced listeners with good reputations.

If your daughter is at least 13, she is also welcome to join 7 Cups on her own independent account.

Charlie

@Jlyn1989

Hello there. Perhaps someone that your daughter and you both know very well that isn't a counselor but would show compassion to her. She probably doesn't want to see a counselor because it makes her feel negative. Counseling can either be seen positively or negatively. Since she is not wanting to see one, then someone that isn't a counselor, yet similar to a counselor may be a good option. Don't take this to heart. If your intuition tells you otherwise, follow it. You know your daughter very well.

Regarding her feeling that people don't want to spend time with her, try to get her to see the difference that saying hello to a classmate will make. She'll see that more people than seem are friendly and will respond back.

It is important to try to figure out what will help her emotionally, but also at the same time not to rush it. Because it was very difficult for her to talk about what happened, she's probably experiencing much anxiety. But a kind mom like you will know what to do.

Observe your daughter. Listen to her whenever she says something and tell her that you're always there for her and will always be there. Even letters for her to read while she's at school could help. Anything to read or see when she's beginning to feel lonely. She knows you love her a lot, but the negative emotions will sometimes lead to her experiencing loneliness, but you have the power to change that.

It starts with believing you can make a change. There is always hope, and you're going to find it one way or another.