1 year sober

TW- self harm brief mentions of death, ed, and abuse

most people dont really consider self harm an addiction, but for me it was. the release i felt when i did the behavior, was immense. I started harming regularly when i was 11 years old, however I have been doing those behaviors for as long as i could remember. 

Fast foward to 2024. Im 16, and struggling. My body reflects years of @abuse and damage. i ended up doing something idek what and i accidentally slipped up. i mentioned that my hip was hurting. they asked why. they next text would change my life. i told them what was happening. And i didnt get pity in response, like my irl friends gave me. Or just oh im sorry. instead i got 

"promise me you wont, ever again"

i told them i couldnt promise that, and they said whats the longest youve gone. I said 6 months. They said promise me a year. 

That was 1 year ago today. 365 days. 8760 hours. 525600 minutes. 31536000 seconds, since the last time i harmed myself. 

it wasnt an easy year either. I wanted to relapse so many times. I lost a very dear family to me. I got devastating health news. I got tragically ill and almost unalived. I dated the 2nd abusive man ive ever dated in my short life. I lost my faith. I lost friends. 

But i also found myself. I remembered how to smile. How good it felt to show my skin without shame. I made new friends. I flourished. I got my life back on track. i started eating again. ive fallen in love. im applying to colleges. i got off my SSRI. im able to be around sharp objects. 

i wont lie. the thoughts havent gone away, and i dont think they ever will. its how my brain works. and i dont know if my sobriety will be permanent. and thats okay

what i do know is i promised to make a change, and i did. 

and thank u to everyone who supported me during this long stressful battle 

now we ponder what tattoo i get to cover my least favorite scars (:<