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Help to move on

User Profile: Sammylou55
Sammylou55 Friday

I’ve struggled with depression for a few years now, but now, on top of that, I’m addicted to cocaine. I went down a really bad dark hole and got really bad with it. I pushed away the people I loved, pushed away my partner of five years. I wasn’t there for him when he needed me the most because I was too busy on drugs and being angry at him. I wasn’t there for him when he needed me the most, and I’ll never forgive myself for that. Now I am really at rock bottom, and my depression is at its worst. He just left me and he’s met somebody else, and I don't know how to deal with these feelings. They are so strong, and I can't get them out of my head. All I do is think about him and regret what I did, but I can't go back in time. I wish I could because I love him so much. He was the love of my life, and I hate myself for not being there when he needed me. I don't know how to deal with this heartbreak and the addiction on top.

Its constantly in my head how do I stop it how do I stop thinking about it?

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User Profile: CalmRosebud
CalmRosebud Sunday

@Sammylou55

Please take a very deep breath. Hold it for a moment, and let it out slowly.

The pain you are carrying right now is agonizing. You are dealing with a severe medical condition, a profound heartbreak, and a crushing weight of regret all at the same time. It makes complete sense that the thoughts are constantly screaming in your head and that you feel like you are at rock bottom.

When you ask how to stop these thoughts, the first thing to understand is that cocaine drastically alters your brain chemistry. It completely depletes your natural dopamine, which is the chemical that helps you handle sadness and stress. When you are coming down or trying to stop, your brain enters a state of severe deficit. This chemical crash amplifies your depression, magnifies your heartbreak, and loops your regrets on a loud, agonizing repeat. What you are feeling is a physical storm in your brain just as much as an emotional one.

You cannot change the past, and you cannot force your brain to instantly forget the love of your life. But you can change how you survive this exact minute.

Please recognize that the voice of addiction is a liar. It tells you that you are entirely to blame, that you are a horrible person, and that you will never forgive yourself. The truth is that addiction is a sickness that hijacks your choices, your emotions, and your relationships. You did not choose to become addicted, and your behavior during that dark hole was a symptom of a disease, not a reflection of your true heart. Loving someone does not make you immune to a chemical dependency.

There is a way that you must gently separate the grief from the recovery. Right now, trying to process the heartbreak of your partner leaving while also fighting a cocaine addiction is too much for one person to handle. You cannot heal a broken heart until you begin to heal your brain. Your absolute priority right now has to be your survival and your sobriety, even if it is just hour by hour.

Do your best to intercept the loops in your head. When a thought of regret starts to spiral, your brain is looking for a way to escape the pain, which often triggers the urge to use again. When the thoughts come, do not fight them or hate yourself for having them.

Instead, say to yourself out loud: "I cannot fix the past right now, but I can take care of myself in this moment."

Break the physical loop by changing your environment immediately, even if it just means walking into a different room, stepping outside for fresh air, or washing your face with freezing cold water to shock your nervous system.

You felt completely abandoned when you asked for help before, but please do not stop asking. The shame of addiction thrives in isolation. You do not have to do this on your own anymore, and you do not have to hate yourself into becoming a better person. You can heal, and you can find yourself again, but it starts with treating your broken heart and your addiction with medical care and deep compassion.

Please, reach out to professionals who understand exactly how to quiet this noise and help you safely climb out of this dark hole:

If you are in the United States, call the SAMHSA National Helpline at 1-800-662-4357. They specialize in helping people navigate addiction and depression simultaneously, and they can connect you to local support. You can also call or text the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline at 988 anytime for immediate, free, and confidential emotional support.

If you are outside the United States, please go to findahelpline.com to securely find free, anonymous, and verified support lines and crisis counseling for substance use and mental health in your specific country.

Be incredibly gentle with yourself today. You are still in there, and you are worth saving.

Love and Courage,
Cal


User Profile: Sammylou55
Sammylou55 OP Sunday

Thank you so much for this thoughtful message and support. It's really put a few things into perspective for me and helped me feel a bit better in myself. I am trying my best every day."

User Profile: PrezoCares
PrezoCares Monday

I'm so sorry you're going through such a painful time. ❤️ It sounds like you're carrying so much heartbreak, regret, and guilt while also trying to cope with depression and addiction. That must feel incredibly overwhelming, especially when your mind keeps going back to the person you love and the things you wish you could have done differently.

Please try to be gentle with yourself. You can't change what happened in the past, but your past mistakes don't mean you're undeserving of love, happiness, or a better future. The fact that you're reflecting on your actions and recognizing how things affected your relationship shows that you're thinking seriously about the changes you want to make. You can take responsibility for your choices without punishing yourself forever.

I know you want to stop thinking about him, but sometimes trying to force thoughts away only makes them feel stronger. When those thoughts come, try to acknowledge them without judging yourself, then gently bring your attention back to the present. Talking to someone you trust, writing down your feelings, or taking things one small step at a time may help you get through the hardest moments.

Please remember that you don't have to overcome depression, heartbreak, and cocaine addiction all by yourself. Reaching out to a mental health professional or an addiction support service could help you work through these feelings and find support with recovery. You deserve help and compassion, even when you're struggling to forgive yourself.

You don't have to fix everything today. For now, focus on getting through one day at a time and taking small steps toward your own well-being. Your life and your future still matter, regardless of what happened in your relationship. ❤️

Can I ask you something? When the thoughts about him become especially painful, is it mostly the feeling of missing him, or the guilt about what happened that hurts you the most? 💗 

User Profile: Sammylou55
Sammylou55 OP 1 hour ago

Missing him and the guilt its my fault he left

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User Profile: azam25
azam25 Monday

@Sammylou55

Hi there, thank you for sharing your story and being so open about what you are going through. I can hear how deeply you are hurting, and I want to validate that the weight you are carrying right now—navigating severe depression, addiction, a major heartbreak, and intense regret all at once—is incredibly heavy. It makes complete sense that you feel at rock bottom and that these thoughts are screaming in your head.

First, I want to say that it takes a lot of courage to look at your past actions honestly. Active addiction is like a dark fog that completely hijacks our brains, our choices, and our reactions. It makes us push away the very people we love the most. The anger and the absence you are regretting weren't because you didn't love your partner; they were the reality of a terrible disease taking over. It is completely natural to want to go back in time and change things, but punishing yourself and holding onto self-hatred right now is only keeping you trapped in that dark hole.

When you ask how to stop the thoughts from constantly spinning, the truth is that trying to force them out often makes them louder. Right now, your brain is processing a massive trauma and a sudden loss, and it doesn't know where to put all that energy. One small thing that can help right now is just allowing yourself to breathe through the feelings in small, manageable blocks of time—just focusing on getting through the next hour, or even the next five minutes, rather than trying to figure out the rest of your life.

You are dealing with two very massive, very real health challenges: depression and addiction. They feed into each other, and trying to heal the heartbreak while active addiction is draining your coping skills is an uphill battle. Please know that even though your relationship has ended, your story has not. You still have the power to heal yourself, and you do not have to do it alone. We have an incredibly supportive Substance Use Support community right here on 7 Cups where people who have been in that exact same dark hole share how they survived it.

I am here to listen to you vent, cry, or just express all that regret without any judgment whatsoever. You are human, you are struggling, and you deserve support right now.
User Profile: wuxily
wuxily Monday

@Sammylou55

i think the more you try to force yourself to stop thinking about him, the more those thoughts keep coming back. and while you can't change what happened, constantly punishing yourself for it won't change the past either. maybe instead of trying to forget everything at once, we could focus on making the next few days a little more manageable. have you been getting any support for your addiction? because i think dealing with that could be an important first step towards feeling better

User Profile: PrezoCares
PrezoCares Monday

Thank you for sharing this with me. ❤️ I understand that healing takes time, and I don't want you to keep blaming yourself for the past. You deserve support, patience, and kindness. Have you considered reaching out to someone you trust or a professional who can help you with your addiction? You don't have to face everything alone. 💛

User Profile: wuxily
wuxily 2 days ago

@PrezoCares

i know you wish you could go back and change things, but you can't keep punishing yourself forever. what happened doesn't mean you can't turn things around. and i think getting some help with the addiction could be a good place to start

User Profile: Sammylou55
Sammylou55 OP 1 hour ago

I am getting professional help but I don't have no one to talk to about this everybody I know has said the backs of me I judge me

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User Profile: Sammylou55
Sammylou55 OP 1 hour ago

I go to addiction Clinic but I don't have no help or support from anybody

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