Have a loved one struggling with addiction?
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We are both struggling my husband and I. One of the areas we struggle is with his drinking.
I try not to become discouraged but I am becoming discouraged. ... its so much more difficult and sad and empty living this way than life has to be. I dont know what to do an alanon meetings are so far away and in the evenings. I fear leaving him alone then. I know I hurt or enable him more than help him, I think. And me?... Im becoming lost just as shell in this relationship. An obstacle to his drinking, something to avoid or overcome.
I dont want to keep living this way. I dont know the way through this and I feel so alone.
So... today or this evening Im going to try to have a serious conversation with my spouse.
I discussed with my counselor coming up with a contract of sorts, a list of boundaries—and consequences for not respecting these boundaries. There are about three main items. One applies more to me, two to him. Im asking that we both put in the work to have a healthier marriage and more peaceful fulfilling life both together and as individuals.
My counselor urged me to come up with a timeline...how long did I think I could continue living the way we are. I was a bit uncomfortable with this but settled on three months. ... I cannot think that far ahead and I truly hope it doesnt find us separated. Im doing my best to get thru to him. I love him but I cannot live this way much longer. It hurts my soul too much and most days I am depleted.
I truly hope he chooses us over the bottle. I truly hope he doesnt make me choose myself over his drinking and the accompanying behaviors.
If anyone has experience with this I would appreciate your input. Thank you.
@themainjane Im sorry you went through this. I love the action plan you have. Did it work out? My family is struggling in a similar way and I am looking for ways to navigate through. I REALLY identify with the wanting him to choose us over the bottle. Thank you for your honesty.
@Wanderinggoat
It did actually. He still drinks but he has kept those two boundaries with very few setbacks. I was not prepared (or wanting to leave him). And luckily I didnt have to because things did calm down just when I feared theyd actually be escalating.
were still trying. And Im certainly not without my faults - two of which are nagging or flying off the handle. We could both behave better, in other words. I know for some it is more one-sided: when the addiction takes full control. So we are fortunate that things remain manageable even if less than stellar at times.
But yes, the boundary has worked. And Im trying a bit here and there to learn some SmartRecovery tools to deal with my own behaviors and to seek new ways to approach both of our long-standing issues, our dynamic together.
Im sorry to hear of your struggles.. if you care to elaborate or need help please reach out whether here, online support groups or in person resources. There is help to at least cope. Best wishes.
Im also a victim of my father and mother drinking and I know the pain that you are feeling. I used to go to Alnon meetings when I was younger and they really helped me a lot. However, just like you the distance was just to much for me after a hard days work. One thing I would suggest would be to order you some self help books about how alcohol affects the family. Another thing I would suggest is if there isnt a Alnon near you perhaps you could start your own support group where you and other women get together and talk about the issues that come with being a relative of people who drinks and use drugs. It could actually be done by phone or by group chats. themainjane
@Favor2020
Thank you, Favor.
They are possibly looking into setting up some discussions here at 7 cups at some point, I think. Discussions for loved ones of.
I am grateful that I have this place to discuss these things. And I have friends I can discuss these things with in the chat I most frequent here and this forum. Finding others who have been where I am and made it thru the other side would be comforting and beneficial, I think.
Im hesitant to do Alanon for many reasons: leaving him alone to get in God knows what trouble (which effects him, me, our family and whomever he comes in contact with involving said trouble). More than that... Im not sure I even again with the major concepts in the alanon 12-step program.
Self help books are a possible option. Will think on it. Was hoping peer support would be the best but may not be possible if not online. Im certainly not the one to set it up locally. Not at this time.
Again, thank you for responding and for good suggestions.
One of my siblings has a drinking addiction. What can I do to support in a positive direction when all of us trying to help are only being met with cold distance?
Also, what can I do to help myself when in some situations expecting the worst for my sibling (who can fall asleep outside in minutes degrees Celsius)?
And what can we do as a family, to stay together and united, for my sibling? And for ourselves, in order to have more quality life and less stress?
On of my parents(1) is very much codependent of my alcoholic sibling. And has made my other parent(2) obey any action parent(1) does or says that involves my sibling. Creating a bad habit of contiguous approval of and providing for my siblings addiction, like giving money, paying depths, letting my sibling stay/sleep/eat in parent(1)'s house for long periods. This has been going for 1,5 decades. What can I and parent(2) do in this situation to help both parent(1) and my sibling?
@Jill7cups
my parents struggled with addiction when I was 14 ( I
@Jadess02 sorry to hear this Jadess <3
Addiction is an illness. The sooner you can accept that the better for your inner peace.
My brother is an alcoholic. We can never really trust him and his promises. And that is because he can not teust himself. To get to the bottom with ones addiction one has to understand the root cause... Like past events that has made the addicted feel insecure or depressed or something else... It can go deep down to their baby years... But you as a family memeber can not take their recovery on your shoulders. An addict only can make their desition for them selves. Just like we all are the masters and bosses of our own fate. And sometimes when an addiction or depression or any other mental health problem has been going on for too long the neuronal pathways has become very strong, just like a highway. That makes a break-up from habits and adictions very difficult. So, make sure you yourself build and nurture positive highways within your own brain, by choosing the most healthy habits for you. And make sure to choose good situations, peaceful thoughts and good people in your life that brings you harmony within. Every day you must practice inner harmony. This will make you stable and a great friend family memeber and college at school and future job. If one is stable, then more people will be able to more easy improve in their own lives. It's not a promise. It's just encuragement. I wish you all the best <3 And I believe in you. <3 You are amazing!
The hardest thing is not losing that person, I think. The hardest thing is grieving the loss of what could be. The death of the possibility of things getting better. Losing someone/something is hard, yes. But losing the dream of what could be -- that's a tough one.
I had some drug issue, but i had to pass a drug urine test to get a new job. I would recommend to buy a fake pee test and use this one as your result. Do not really care about what you have here. You can buy these tests online. (Link removed by lovelyWhisper66 for posting advertising content- please see forum guidelines here).
My husband thinks my eldest son J is using method bc he's lost weight but I see J and he shows absolutely no signs of meth abuse whatsoever now he wants me to check his room while J's at school to make sure. J isn't paranoid or twitchy his door to his bedroom is AWLAYS open he isn't moody he eats all the frigging time just not breakfast he stays up late watching Netflix and wakes up at 10 sometimes when not a school night. Am I missing something? What am I not seeing that my husband is?
Hi all!
I'm pretty new here and part of the reason I joined is because of the negative influences I've been noticing in my family. My mother and all her siblings are alcoholics. My dad's brother also struggles with addiction. My mom has been in recovery my whole for which I'm incredibly grateful. But I've realized how her addictive behavior's with other things really affect me emotionally. She is possessive and spiteful and reactionary to everything. She's disorganized and has terrible eating and money problems. She won't admit her mistakes in these areas, but rather snaps or gets exacerbated when anyone tries to talk to her about these things. I see how it's affected my parents relationship, my brother, and me. I have anxiety and organizational tics that are just non-stop if I don't practice a lot of self love. Then when I'm around her even with all the slef love I feel small, belittled. She yelled at me for trying to help her pack the other day when she was and hour late. I have always felt terrible about my mother and our relationship and I've only now as an adult started to see this stuff. I still am not coping with it well and I don't feel like I can talk to her about it or she'll shut down or be mean.
@Blondebelles I am sorry to hear this. But yet you seem so smart and strong. I can sense much hope for you. <3
Your mothers behaviour reminds me much about my alcoholic brother. The brain structure is changed in long-term alcoholics. So be greatful for the good times that you will get with her. And stay safe from the time when she is less nice. Just make sure to keep a good balance in socializing with all of your family. Practise focusing on your own inner harmony and grounding. Make sure to stand steady with both feet on the ground whefdver you go in life. Be happy for the good times. And set firm boundaries for yourself!!! Very important with keeping your personal boundaries. My mother is also the daughter of an alcoholic mother, and 3 alcoholic brothers. She managed to always stay sober. Also her brother eventually recovered and got good jobs. And safe families of their own. But ofcourse we are all in need of working on ourself. I too. The insecurities and mental problems travels through several generations after someone has been an alcoholic. And we can only improve by working on healing what hasn't been healed in previous generations. I feel much hope for you. Because you seem very awake and aware and working on it. Good luck! Keep on with your journey. Whatever you are doing, you are doing it just great. It's a success to just try with all different methods to improve your own life. Make sure that you always stay grounded and focus on inner harmony every day. That will guide you toward your most healthy life choices. Alcoholic families can be tough to stay around. And it's okay to take breaks, it's okay to choose inner peace.
Wow I could have written this myself! I really hope you have found some support in this thread and know you are not alone. Feel free to PM me if you ever just want to unload. ❤️
@Jill7Cups My best friend has struggled with Alcohol addiction for the last 14 years and we stopped talking for about 6 because he was in such a dark place in life and i have a family to take care of. We recently reconnected and i can see that his struggles are very difficult for him. What is the best way i can support him? Everytime he opens up a little bit more and he sounds like he is ready to accept help he recoils and relapse all over again. I know he wants to get the help me needs but he needs a support system that is helpful too.
@SMvilla8884 Oh, sad to hear that.
It sounds a little like my brothers situation. He really wants to get a job and stop drinking. He's got a good support system from social service and us within the family, and he is working towards a good dayly routine. Been sober for 7 months. But still he says he is not ready to give up drinking yet.
@SMvilla8884 I am sorry for not having an answer for you. If he allows you or someone else, you could help him get some antabus pills for not starting to drink again... And every day make sure that he takes them. If he let's anyone do that for him. Then help him get into hopeful thoughts on things that he wish to acomplish in life. As well as work on the root cause of why he started drinking from the beginning? Probably a deep insecurity or depression or other feeling due to so events in the past.
Make sure that he work on all areas in his life. But don't take on too much responsibility. Family and close friends will usually not be allowed to help too much by the person who has a drinking problem.
So a good thing is to just be there for him and to make sure that he can feel safe about opening up to talk to you about just anything that is going on in his life. And that can also be a great support. Sometimes tjere is nothing that family can do for the person who drinks. It's then important that he gets support from societal systems that he has a neutral emotional connection with.
@SMvilla8884 12-step program could help. One on one conversations with a professional could be helpful. Or Anonymous Alcoholics could be helpful depending on what suits your bestie. Just don't tale on too much responsibility. Codependency can make you blind for the truth and sick... Let him take responsibility for his actions. But be a good friend and listener. Ask him if he needs anything, like a guide or ask what kind of support he would want from you? I he wants any help at all.
Until recently, my husband smoked a lot. There was no way we could overcome this dependence. On Canada Drugs I read about some good methods. When he wanted to smoke, he ate something tasty, holding a toothpick or a straw in his mouth. He also began to do sports regularly, listen to music. Also there I learned about medications that can help quit smoking. All of these methods have really helped us overcome addiction.
