Husband begging me to give him a chance
Hi everyone..
I just found out the reason my husband has not been intimate with me is he has been addicted to porn for the past 2-3 years..
For he thus is like cheating and betrayal.. we are working through talking about it since I confronted him but I’ve hit a wall because I can’t get past how little I’ve been appreciated and comparing myself to the women on the screen. I feel incapable of making a decision of leaving or staying because it’s too painful for me. it all stems from his other traumas he should have dealt with a long time ago. Instead he has let them ruin what we had.
how am I supposed to go on? I can’t imagine ever trusting him again.. but he wants to do anything to make that happen, I just have so little sympathy left.
@dendainsonne
I know how frustrating this is .... i have no intimacy in my relationship because of another issue and i spent years thinking what is wrong with me........ the truth is nothing wrong with you ........
Although there are several different reasons maybe for addiction.......the final thing is they are getting something out of whatever item or situation they are doing.
did you discuss this ........or just found out and confront......ask him why .... i find too many assume it is about attractiveness or body styles etc
why i ask is i feel that interest in Porn may be more about him personally ......... could be about items or situations they fantasize about.... spoke to a male friend ............he watched cause his spouse was never spontaneous or adventurous and it had become boring..... or he felt he was not doing something to inspire a better result
Or perhaps a lack of self esteem in that department or wanting to do other things and afraid or scared to ask you. Or maybe he finds items you would not even consider a turn on. I think if used as a tool like watching together for couples but can see how much it could hurt either party if they found their partner watching this a lot or instead of.
Early on my spouse was fun and creative in our love life .......then before ending all together was boring as heck has zero game .......i asked for more....different things ...... like we used to.......he acted like i was Crazy ....
It would be hard to get around this for future .... as too easy to access .... perhaps if it is a deeper issue you could find a way to forgive ....
@toughTiger6481
Tiger, thank you so much for your thoughtful message. I really appreciate your honesty and insight.
To answer some of these questions, it is a deeper issue. And although that should make me feel better it's very hard for me still. The reason it started was from his own trauma when he was a child. He became addicted to being online because he grew up in a very bad family situation with no place to hide. Some of those unresolved issues surfaced 2 years ago and instead of dealing with them he decided to hide in his habit. So it has nothing to do with me.But I tried very hard for him all this time. I knew he was troubled. I made sure there was variety and new things all the time for him. I take care of my body to make sure I am a 10. So when he has not been into me and chose porn over me I am heartbroken. I tried asking him about it nicely many times and he lied to me. So I showed him proof that I knew and confronted him about it. Then he just cried and we have been talking every other day about how bad he feels that he has been absent in our marriage for a while.
I now see the man I knew when we met. But I haven't seen this person be here 100% for years. And I am very hurt that he has neglected me for this long. He is begging to have a chance because he grew up in our relationship and says everything he has learnt is from me. He wants to grow a bit more. He has been trying pretty hard. But I can't get past the idea he has chosen all these women on a screen instead of what is in front of him, because I have given him all of that in real life. He shouldn't need it. I don't know how to get over the pain because I have trauma of my own around this subject. I feel like if we were ever intimate again I would just be feeling those things and betrayal.
@dendainsonne
I am glad you found my post insightful.....
I hope you can see it sounds like he is very remorseful and i understand that sometimes when a person is in our life they sometimes make choices / decisions that surprise or confuse us .......I have decided as a result of the way things seem to be far too many make choices without clear thinking how it would effect others .... I understand the idea of when or if you resume intimacy the thoughts about items may make it awkward. i know after being made to feel i was at fault for years ...... now IF by miracle it happens i am no longer interested or attracted to.
@toughTiger6481
Tiger, this is what I am personally afraid of. I am so sorry for your experience. I feel that unfortunately this is where I am right now as well because it's "too little too late" and I've been through a lot with my husband already without anything really making up for it.
Thank you for the bravery in sharing this story, and I’m sorry you are dealing with this. Addiction always affects more people than simply the addicted, and your story is a heartfelt reminder.
How you choose to manage the trust and coping in your relationship depends on so many factors, but I want to stress the psychological component of this addiction to help perhaps allay and self-esteem concerns you might have.
Porn addiction is rarely about comparative attraction. While I don’t know his particular compulsion, it is almost never the case where someone is seeking out pornography because the characters are simply more visually compelling than real-world alternatives.
Instead, porn addiction — like drugs, alcohol or gambling — is almost always rooted in shame and an attempt to get a dopamine hit in the easiest, laziest way. An addict sees watching porn as a way to get a chemical release without fear of rejection or judgment.
You mention past traumas, which undoubtedly play into his feelings of inadequacy and lack of control with intimacy. I am not trying to defend or excuse harmful behavior, but I do want to stress the brain chemistry aspect of this compulsion.
I would encourage therapy for him, if it’s a behavior he indeed wants to change. (Of course there is little value in forcing therapy on someone who isn’t open to the experience.) There are a lot of CBT techniques that can help, and I am happy to say, more and more therapists are focusing on porn addiction, despite a long history of behavioral addictions in general being ignored by medical professionals.
But please understand: The therapeutic road is difficult and progress is often uneven. (And anecdotally I would say the stigma associated with any behavioral disorders associated with sex make the process even more complicated.) Your happiness matters here, and you deserve an honest conversation about how the process is going to affect you and your intimacy needs as well.
I wish you — and him — well.
@limegreenNorth3993
Hi lime,
Thank you for your support. It actually does help a lot to hear this. I tried researching this a few days ago and do understand that the truth is still that it doesn't have to do with me or my comparison, and my husband is not a superficial person so there is no way he would ever be making those kinds of judgments. I find because of my own sensitivities and conservative nature, it's still hard.
We have discussed a couple of times for him to start getting therapy. I am the only one in his life that convinced him to go 2 years ago. He only went twice and never talked about his real problems. But now I think is the time. He did say to me at first that he knows it would be bad to say he doesn't need therapy but he doesn't feel he does because he just hasn't been present. It has been like a long detached episode of depression/mental illness. He said if it's what is best or if I want him to go he will go. I also think he needs to understand in detail what the pornography part has done to his brain and how it has conditioned him over time physically. I just don't know the right way to address that. I have talked about it before but not in the detail that I think he needs to know.
I do not think I can take much more pain in this relationship. I understand that if I stay with him now I need to be a supportive partner. But I am not willing to go through relapses. And I know that when you are dealing with an addiction that isn't fair to say. I am still unfortunately debating my hurt vs. the potential future of this relationship.
Thanks to you all I have been able to process this, even if very slowly.
I'll have to say we all make mistakes that's what we learn from those things that we do them over again. Has he grown as a person has changed has his parents changed does he treat you different these are all things that are going to play into whether or not you in one chance if you still have love for him and you still are in love with him and I was thinking about faith every relationship deserves a chance marriage is work and relationship to work.
@DriverReeseMom757
Hi Reese,
Thank you for the kind words. I want to believe in this as well. I try to believe in what is good and right and let that guide me. But I know what has been done over several years is not right in how I have been treated. If it was only the current addiction, it would actually be a lot easier to manage. But this is not the only time I have been hurt by his poor choices and lack of consideration. However I can say that it is all because he does not know. And I have taught him what he does know because they are all things he was never taught growing up with no guidance. It is going to be up to me now to decide...
