My strange addiction

When I started realizing, before I actually even talked to this man, that I was having a problem with being attracted to black men way too much and it was getting out of hand, I was thinking I needed help. I was thinking a marriage councilor. But, number one it’s expensive. Number 2, it would require me to get my husband involved to explain to him why I’m spending this money and we would have had to talk about what’s going on with me. And why it’s so bad a problem that I need help. And he already knows that I’m attracted to black guys cause I was with many before we were married. And he has mentioned that he knows one day I will leave him for a black guy. I actually just never thought that I would. And his skin color is certainly part of it but I guess it’s not all of it. My husband and I haven’t had sex in years. At least 2 or 3. I have kind of lost my desire to be with him sexually at this point. We do other stuff, but sex is not on the menu. He would if I asked him to, but I lost my desire. He gets too hot and too tired and can never finish. And our kids follow us everywhere so we don’t really get the alone time anyway. But this new guy offered to be my sex person. He offered to satisfy me in the way my husband can’t, but then I can still come home and be with my husband that I really do love even though it doesn’t seem like I do. I didn’t want him on the side, but he offered. Either way, if this dude were white and he gave me his phone number, I probably would have never messaged him. I have thought about sexual activities with black guys that I have known way before I ever became involved with one. Guys that I have worked with that I was attracted to. It’s just that one finally paid attention to me, and I loved it. I loved getting his attention so much that I ruined my marriage just for the pleasure. And I want more of it. And I’m heartbroken.

So I’ll try to answer your concerns the best I can. Let me be clear, if my husband finds out about my affair, he will leave me. And rightfully so. I don’t blame him. He has made it very clear that he won’t accept me sleeping around with another man. He already knows I’m attracted to black men. He’s made several comments before about it. He just doesn’t know it’s as bad as it is. He doesn’t know what I’ve done obviously, but he knows I’m attracted to them. I never sought help because I guess I just thought it would go away. When attractive guys have worked with me before, they have always left and it was done. I stopped seeing them so the flirting stopped and the attraction couldn’t exist because I never saw them again. And I just moved on. Of course nothing ever happened between me and these guys so it wasn’t that big of a deal. But this new guy comes once a week. He doesn’t work for our company, he basically comes in and does some odd things around the place once a week for a little bit, then he leaves. I would flirt with him casually, but nothing crazy. Well, one day he told me he left me a note in the back room. I went back there and he left me his number. So I text him and that’s how it all started. Nobody ever pays attention to me so I guess I just wasn’t expecting to get anyones attention. And no, none of this was in our vows. I have messed up. I messed up big time. I’ve ruined my marriage. We didn’t agree to this. And yes, I have probably closed myself off from my husband. I guess it stems from having kids. We had kids. And he still wanted to kiss me in front of the kids. Like, make out. And I did once but they thought it was gross and I didn’t like it. I’m not a PDA kind of person. And on top of it he would kiss me and then expect us to just have sex. And he would get mad at me if we didn’t have sex. And I got frustrated about it. Like, can we not just kiss sometimes. What am I supposed to do with these kids so we can have sex for an hour. (And yes, he takes a long time ever single time so there’s no quickness to it). So I finally stopped kissing him. So it started with not kissing. And then he would get handsy under the covers and stuff but the kids started to get observant and I was afraid they would notice so I stopped doing that. 2 little girls don’t need to see something weird going on that they question. So, that got cut out. Now, if we do anything, we go to the shower and lock the door. The kids know we’re in there, but that’s all they know and they can’t see or hear, so that’s ok. But there’s no sex. It’s too small and he takes so long the water would get cold anyway. And the sex I guess stopped because everything else stopped. But honestly, I’m just not attracted to him anymore. He’s losing his hair, he is overweight and he’ll try to lose about 5 pounds but then he can’t after that. He can’t resist that cake that he sees so he will stop trying. So, there’s a list of problems that have been going back for years. We have talked about divorce before. We don’t even sleep together. He snores really loudly and it wakes me up, but when I’ve mentioned that he should try something to help with that, he doesn’t try. I honestly don’t think he cares that much. But I don’t want to tell him about the affair. I don’t want my kids to find out. I want to wait till we have a really big fight or something and then end it. I’ve considered it before, even long before the affair, but I didn’t end it. Either way, our marriage will be over. If he ever tries to have sex with me again I can’t. I had unprotected sex with another man. I don’t want to share that with my husband. But let’s just say that my husband forgives me and we stay together….I will have temptations. If I don’t see another black man, I might be ok. But where I work and live, there are quite a few. The one I slept with comes to my work once a week still. We have quite a few other black guys that come in too. I see attractive black men all the time, so that temptation is there. They are eye candy. My desire will be there, even if I no longer fulfill it. And now that I’ve had the drug, I want the drug. I enjoy knowing that the last penis inside of me was black. The last time a tongue was in my mouth it was a black man’s. The last time a rubbed my hands down anyones back I probably had some of his skin under my fingernails. The first time we were together my shirt smelled like him and I took forever to wash it because I just loved to smell it and be reminded of when I was with him. I’ve got it bad.

It seems that you are chasing after your lust rather than your true love, if all you care about is having great sex sure go after every black man you see, honestly if that's your preference look for a man that will please You but will treat you right, it requires alot of discernment and you may have heard this before but it can be very exciting I understand and the problem with lust is your not thinking of your future only the moment and of lust that must change if you want a lasting connection with a man

Yeah I guess you’re right. I think it is lust. It’s this desire to be with a man that my husband just can’t be no matter how hard he tries. That may be what I have to do. I have to end my marriage first. But then I have to find a black man that is willing to be with me sexually. Maybe there’s some out there. I use to not have any problem finding them when I was a teenager, but that was about 20 years ago so things are different now. Obviously I found one, but I guess if I can find a way to get over him, maybe I can find another.

I don’t really know what’s best. Not cheating would have been best. But I don’t think me or my husband are very happy right now. How long can I go on staying in a relationship with a man when it seems like the only reason we’re still together is because of our kids? And yeah I’m not opposed to being in love with a black man. I want the sex and the intimacy, but I love black men. I have been in love with one before. I just don’t want to require it for the physical stuff. But yeah, I guess if I ever get to that point where we get serious, I would have to get myself figured out first. Or if I keep falling in love with these guys and it keeps ending and I keep getting heartbroken. Luckily I was not in love with the guy I was with this time. I loved being with him and he was amazing to me when we were together, but I wasn’t in love with him. Not yet at least. I guess i def. Have to get myself figured out. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I don’t know why I did this to my husband. I should have said no. I should have told him I couldn’t text him and I was sorry for flirting with him and leading him on, but I’m a married woman and I can’t. Well, I told him I was married. He didn’t care. I don’t know what my underlying issues are. I was sexually abused as a child. Maybe that is part of it. I don’t know.

No. I never got help with it. When I finally realized what was going on I told my mom about it and luckily it stopped after that. But I still had to see this man and be around this man and for a while and I was scared. As I grew older though, I realized he was not gonna touch me anymore and I was able to forgive him and be around him without fear. It’s something that I will never forget, but it’s not something that I think about very often.

And yeah, I know I could be taken advantage of by just being with a man to have sex. This guy that I was with during my marriage was amazing though. I loved being with him. So even if we never fell in love and never moved beyond sex, I think I could be happy. He didn’t just have me really quickly just to get it for himself and who cares what I want. He took his time. He asked me when I wanted him to finish. He was on my timeline, which I didn’t ask him to do, so the fact that he cared enough to do that was special. He was personal. He treated me like a man treats a woman that he loves. I felt that, and I think that’s one of the reasons I’m so broken that he hasn’t talked to me in a while. He treated me right. If he had just thrown me on the bed and did his thing and didn’t care if he hurt me and took care of himself with no regard to how I felt, I would have been devastated and probably would have been done with him after that. I want to be treated right. I know there are men out there who won’t treat me right so I have to be careful. That’s why I guess I’m so devastated that this guy stopped texting me. I love the way he made me feel and the way he treated me. I guess I’m kind of afraid I won’t find that again.

This guy may have just used me for sex. I have no idea. I know he doesn’t love me. I’m pretty sure my feelings for him are stronger than his feelings for me, and I don’t even love him. He may just be after the sex. But, I’m not really completely opposed to that, As long as he treats me right. He knows I want more than sex. I’ve made that very clear. Not like more as in love, but I told him I want to hang out with him. I want to go to the movies with him or watch a football game with him or go eat together. So he knew that before we hooked up. That doesn’t mean we would ever have made it that far, but I told him that’s what I wanted.

I’m not really sure what healthy sexuality is. I guess if I had to define it I would say it’s safe and enjoyable for everyone involved. Emotionally, I don’t know either, but I have already found love and I threw it away for sex so I don’t even know anymore. In an ideal world, me and this guy would fall in love and have great sex all the time and just be together (but not married cause I’m not looking for that again.) But I don’t really deserve that because of what I’ve done to the one man who has loved me unconditionally for years. He’s not perfect but he’s a good man and a good husband and I know he loves me. And I blew that. But I don’t wanna hide this new guy. I have to now of course so my husband doesn’t find out what happened. But I would like to get to a point where I can be with a black man and I don’t have to hide it from anyone. I’m not ashamed of it. I am now because I’m married, of course. But I wouldn’t be if we split.

And I have a very low self esteem. I always have. I was made fun of many years of my life and it’s always had an effect on me. I told this new guy that I was surprised he left me his number because nobody ever pays me any attention when I flirt with them. They’re nice and they’re sweet, but they don’t give me their number. He insisted that I was cute. I don’t see myself that way. Maybe he only said that cause he was hoping that I would have sex with him. I don’t know. Like I said, I’m kinda ok with that.

I don’t really know what u mean about me changing my heart over and over to get someone to cherish me? I mean, my husband loves me. I don’t really think either one of us are good at showing each other that we love each other. I think our marriage has been slowly falling apart for years. It’s been a slow fade.

The only person I have to talk to is my son. He is only 17 though and he doesn’t have any experience in relationships or sex, so he can’t offer much help. I only talk to him a little bit because it lets me get it off my chest. But I also have to be careful talking to him because he is not interested in my sex life. He doesn’t live with me. He is my son from my first marriage and he lives with his dad in another state. He gets along with my husband pretty well for the most part, but he said he wants me to be happy and he knows that my current husband isn’t making me very happy. Which, I know it’s a 2 way street. I understand that I don’t make him happy either. We are so different and have nothing in common and so disagreements about things, over time, have taken their toll. We got to the point where neither of us try that hard any more. I also don’t know how to find a support group. If I go, what do I tell my husband I’m doing? I Am actually a very busy person and my husband at I work together (so yes, my husband knows the man I’m fooling around with, he just doesn’t know that we’re fooling around together), so I can’t really go anywhere without my husband knowing. Not very often anyways. I wouldn’t be able to make a commitment to going to a support group. So the one person that I do have to talk to is the man I slept with. Because he knows all about it of course. But he’s not really great at texting me back very much and he works 2 jobs so he’s busy a lot. I have mentioned to my son that I wish I had a female to talk to, but my husband and I both pretty much have the same friends, so any of my female friends that I told would tell my husband and I don’t want that to happen. That’s why I’m on here. I can hide this from my husband.

i work in a restaurant, and it’s pretty popular in the town I I live in, so if I made friends with ladies in my town and explained to them what I was doing and then they came to my work, where my husband also works, I run a huge risk of him finding out. I don’t want a possible customer to know and possibly tell her other friends that the lady that works at that restaurant in town is sleeping around on her husband. I don’t want to ruin my job and their possible reputation in the community by chancing any customers spreading information. I also already go to church. (It def. Doesn’t make me feel any better about my life decisions right now. I was hoping going to church would help save my marriage). But anyways, I don’t know the names of anyone in my church, and they are mostly seniors. And I don’t feel comfortable telling them that I call myself a Christian woman but I am failing so miserably at life that I’m sleeping around on my husband. I can only imagine what they would say to me and each other. And they know my husband and may tell him. In most Christian churches, sleeping around on your husband is not ok. I can only imagine the ramifications.

Maybe, after all this is over, I could find a church and kind of repent of my sins. But, similar to when a catholic goes to confession, the purpose of that confession is to kind of purge yourself of that sin and ask for forgiveness, and agree not to do it again. This is kind of different. I can’t honestly say “I made a huge mistake and I’m sorry and I want forgiveness and I promise to never do this again.” I still have a huge infatuation with black men. Even if my husband forgave me and we tried to move on, my desire is still there, and eventually it would possibly lead to something again. And, my husband isn’t staying with me after this anyway. Which I knew going in. I knew it would eventually be the reason my marriage finally has to end, but I did it anyways. I have a huge infatuation with black and white. I watch movies where the main couple is a mixed couple, just because I think it’s so beautiful. I’m out of movies. I would honestly watch porn with a black man and a white woman if I had the option, but I don’t wanna get addicted to porn and I don’t know how to hide that from my husband. It’s like an addiction. I don’t know if it is technically classified as one, but that’s what it feels like. Like, right now, in my marriage, I feel like I’m a lesbian. But I’m married to a man. And I married a man because being a lesbian seems unacceptable to me and I know my family wouldn’t accept it, so I married a man. And I love him and he loves me, but deep down, I have this secret burning desire to be with a woman and I can’t get past it. And it’s so bad that it’s been slowing tearing apart my marriage over the past couple years. But substitute lesbian for black man of course. I just work and live in a town with a lot of black people. Before we moved here, it wasn’t as bad a problem. But since living here, I see them all the time. I have worked with a few. They are just beautiful and I just want to be up against one.