Boyfriend with ADHD

@starcotton Hi. Lemme respond to your questions in the order that you have posted. 

Is it hard for you to notice "the little things"?

• The inability to attend to minute details plays out differently in different people. It is also not as simple. As for him being inattentive to small gestures that you make toward him or being generally inattentive - yes, ADHD has a part to play. But it's not all ADHD. You'll have to make him aware of it. 

Is it hard for you to remember your partner's favorites/preferences?

• Once again, different strokes for different folks. However, your preferences/favorites may get garbled inside their head. 

Do you not miss your partner?

• ADHD or not, this just isn't true. Neurodivergent people and those with ADHD are sometimes lacking in emotional depth, and empathy, or unable to regulate their emotions well. However, I have always missed my partners. 

Do you not always think about your partner? 

• I, for one, used to. Your bond needs to be strong, though. 

Is there a connection between having ADHD and being not romantic?

• Um, no. Emotional dysregulation and lacking empathy may have a part to play, but these are minor variables. Ultimately, it's the dynamic between the two of you and the kinda person they are. I did a lot of cheesy gestures when I was involved with my exes, FWIW. 

Hi,

while it is generally fairly difficult for me to comment on things regarding (romantic) relationships (I'm a-spec myself), when I was researching ADHD it was apparent that relationship issues are a huge part of "the deal". You could probably find a ton of material on it (for example by searching through additudemag articles).

I'll try to answer some from my point of view, but, as already stated, bare in mind that it's tricky, quite contextual, and also very different for everyone. The best thing to do in any relationship is to talk through any of your concerns with your partner. (Which may be a bit more difficult due to ADHD...)

> Is it hard for you to remember your partner's favorites/preferences?

When I substitute "my partner" with "my best friend", it can be indeed tricky. Sometimes I have a very hard time paying attention to the conversation, and I feel like it's more about missing the information rather than forgetting. And the fact that I can get immediately distracted by something else doesn't help (also doesn't make it easy to write it down afterwards).

If there is something you definitely want your partner to remember, in the context of the ADHD it may be helpful if it's not subtle, you try to directly involve him, and possibly give him time to process / note it down before providing different stimuli.

> Do you not always think about your partner?

When I'm consumed by a task, nothing else exists. Neglecting a partner or a family is among the frequently discussed issues.

> Is there a connection between having adhd and being not romantic?

Even though I haven't looked up any research, even considering the "coverage" of it, I don't think so. With your partner it may easily be just another personality trait, not unlike ADHD.

To conclude, let me just point out, that I'm convinced that a romantic attraction is just a small part of a relationship, and it doesn't make either of you (or your feelings) less valid, or less worth it.

Wish you the best of luck!

Mel.

@starcotton Is it hard for you to notice "the little things"?

Is it hard for you to remember your partner's favorites/preferences?

Yes my memory is terrible I can’t remember anything haha I literally don’t remember where I put my phone 2 seconds ago every time and I don’t remember the date  of one the most important days of my life or any of my family’s birthdays lol

Do you not miss your partner?

No because I guess I know I will see them again, like when people asked me if I was homesick while away from home, I wasn’t so it was awkward when they asked.

Do you not always think about your partner?

 No I’m kind of thinking of a lot of different things and sometimes I trip over my own thoughts 

Is there a connection between having adhd and being not romantic?

 What may be called non romantic is not being as good as paying attention as you might want because it’s hard for me to tell when things are awkward if I feel fine

 my personal experience 

@starcotton

Is it hard for you to notice "the little things"?

Sometimes. More often than I'd like, to be honest. And it's not something I do on purpose, much to husband's chagrin.

Is it hard for you to remember your partner's favorites/preferences?

Sometimes - it's taken me years to remember my husband's favourite Gatorade colour or flavour of Doritos 😆 But I love picking out clothes or golf stuff for him, or buying something just because it caught my eye at the time.

Do you not miss your partner?

I do miss him. But maybe differently than a neurotypical. The biggest way I miss him is when he's not in the same bed as me. <3 

Do you not always think about your partner?

Not sure what you mean by this question. I mean, I do think about him. Sometimes when I'm making a decision about something, I may not think of him even though it affects him. And that's hard.

Is there a connection between having adhd and being not romantic?

I don't think so. I might do something spontaneous to be romantic, or do something thoughtful unexpectedly. Or I'll plan out something extravagant because it's fun and exciting to do. Other times, I'll be caught up in my own chaotic thoughts and world and it's hard to see past my nose.

Hope this helps!

I would like to answer your questions individually, but first you should understand that is not always that "that simple". There are a range of ADHD traits and co-disorders that your boyfriend may or may not experience or struggle with. This is very important to understand because every ADHD/autistic person has their own unique flavor.

Is it had to notice the little things?

There could be many answers to this one. For me, I'm more likely to notice the little things than the big things...most of the time... not always. It depends on what those "little things" are. Many with ADHD don't read things in the same way as a neurotypical. Our brains have different filters. Some of us have difficulty understanding the thoughts, words, and actions of others. Something that may be important to a neurotypical may not be understood by the neuro-spicey and sometimes the brain can filter those things out. Others who are ADHD may be so focused on the little things that they miss the big things.

Another thing to consider will be addressed in one of your other questions.

Is it hard to remember your partner's favorites/preferences?

Yes, for many ADHDers but again, not all. Our memories can be tricky animals. I try so hard to remember things any my fiance and I feel guilty when I don't. Also I will second guess my memory constantly as in "wait, is that your favorite or my mom's?". Heck, sometimes I'll find a new favorite movie or food and completely forget them. It's not because we don't care. We try harder than you might realize. Then we will come back and surprise you that we remembered some random thing about you. Don't take it personally. However, I would say if the person is not making an ATTEMPT to remember things that might warrant a discussion.

Do you not miss your partner? And Do you not always think about your partner?

Yes! Of course we do. Iam going to answer this based on my own flavor of ADHD. Again,this may or may not be trye for him:

I might assume you're asking this because maybe he forgot to call/text/etc. Again..our memories are tricky. We can forget the people we care most about exist. It's a problem in memory called object permanence. This doesn't mean he doesn't care. If he forgets to message or call it could be because he is distracted and/or hyperfocused on something. When that happens the world goes out the window. If this is what you're facing, please don't think it's because he didn't miss you or didn't care. In fact when I realize I have forgotten my fiance it makes me miss him even more and makes me feel guilty.

Usually when I forget about my fiance it is because I'm hyperfocused on some task or because I'm having an emotional moment. Outside of that he is constantly on my mind.

Another reason we may further someone exists is if we sing see them or hear from them or hear any them extended periods of time. This applies more to casual relationships like friendships though. If you're not communicating fit days at a time that could be a separate question/answer session.

I would caution that it could be more than just ADHD. This is why things can get tricky with us. I would advise that you make an attempt to discover in some other way that his feelings are genuine.

Is there a connection between having ADHD and being not romantic?

This one I'm completely sure how to answer. I think it would possibly depend on how you define romance. It is possible too that there may be something about how you define romance that makes him feel uncomfortable. Things to consider that are common amongst ADHD that might affect romance: PTSD, anxiety, RSD (rejection sympathetic dysphoria), texture sensitivity and sensitivity to touch, body temperature regulation issues (of he doesn't want to cuddle he might just be hot and need space).

If he's struggling with romance you should communicate with each other what you feel is romantic and do some discovery to find out why that isn't happening. Be open and be supportive and non confrontational. Also you should learn each other's love languages. I recommend the online 5 love languages quiz. Keep in mind that the results may change after a space of time or life event, but if you both know how you and the other feels romance it could help a lot.

I recommend that you learn as much as you can about ADHD. There are very popular therapists and neurodivergents that post videos online about ADHD and autism. I'm not sure how old he is or when he was diagnosed, but if he was diagnosed later in life he is likely to have experienced some form of trauma.

I have adhd and i answered no to all these, quite the opposite for me, but may be different for everyone.

I feel like something important to keep in mind is that it may not be just ADHD, but I have ADHD and unless you are fully attentive you do tend to miss a lot. So, it’s possible. I have to write everything down. I cannot rely on memory alone. Some people just don’t store facts that others believe are important, which has nothing to do with ADHD.It’s just the difference in the way we process information in relationships,

For your own good break up with him now and find someone with no ADHD. If you are here asked those questions mean you cannot live with one. I married to one and he is destroying my mental health.