Cultivating Selfishness to Ease Anxiety and Grow Happiness
As I drill deeper and deeper into why I have anxiety, what causes it, what triggers it and how I react to it, one of the main themes that keeps popping up is that I am hyper-focused on everyone else's problems. I constantly am worrying about everyone else, thinking of everyone else, and planning on ways to solve everyone else's problems. I know that anxiety and control go hand in hand - if we could control our environment and all the people in it to be how we wanted, to be how it makes us feel best, we wouldn't have anxiety. But, that's not realistic.
I know I can't control everything, and I keep trying, keep worrying, keep catastrophizing. As you know, this is EXHAUSTING.
So, I need to focus on me. I need to take care of me. And I need to worry about me first. Think about me first. But how do I do it? I wasn't always like this, but I have been for the past 15 years or so. I mean, when I go out shopping, I look at everything and think about what I could buy for everyone else, but not for myself. It's that bad.
I guess I'm looking for help on being selfish for my self care. I know the more I focus on myself, the less I will focus on others and the less anxiety I will have. If anyone has any ideas on how I can do it, I would love to hear. Even baby steps - little things I can do to start and grow from. Because I can't keep obsessing about everyone else and forgetting about me.
@thoughtfulmomma
I wish I could find that post on here about the difference between selfishness and self care. If I remember correctly, the main point was that you can care for others much better, if you are well cared for, so self care is not selfish.
It's a bit like the "Take the log out of your own eye, before trying to take the splinter out of someone else's eye" saying.
Here's a few things that helped me.
Looking into why I felt I didn't deserve to be cared for. Why I didn't deserve to be as happy as anyone else/ why I didn't deserve treats as much as anyone else. I had a deep seated belief that I only deserved good things if I was good. And because I often felt a failure, I believed I didn't deserve anything nice. But sometimes we deserve a treat just for existing. Just for getting thru the day. Or remembering to congratulate myself for being average/mediocre. Because actually, average is good enough.
Recognising that I was unique and that this made me insanely special. It is now amazing to me that I'm totally unique, and that makes me amazing. I am amazing and so are you. This allows me to celebrate the bits of me that are different. Because different is good.
I also learnt about the morality of slaves and realised that I am not, and never should be, a slave to others. Doing everything for others does not support them to grow. I turned my objective from doing things for others, to supporting others to grow. And part of that was realising that I could best support others to grow, if I first grew myself.
No idea if any of those are useful for you, but here's a really small step that was massive for me. Take one breath, and tell yourself you are special/amazing/fabulous/wondrous (whatever word works for you. Sometimes all I can manage is "ok"). Its a gift to yourself that only takes a second. And takes nothing from anyone else.
Best wishes. You are amazing.
@Clio9876
Thank you. I'm really trying to push hard to focus on me and my needs first. I don't know why I find it so difficult. In the past few days I have talked to myself - told myself I'm doing okay. And I did buy myself a treat yesterday. I know these are small steps, and that's what I want. Lots of small steps that will add up to one big way of putting myself first so I can feel better.
@thoughtfulmomma
You are doing OK! In fact I think you are doing great!.
I believe that small steps lead to more lasting change, so I think that is a great way to approach things.
It seems you are a very caring person, but self-care is a great deal for everyone.
