Advice on getting over a heartbreak
I’m hoping for some guidance and support as I go through something I’m finding really hard to process.
About 3 months ago, my first serious relationship ended. We were together for around 8 months. It may not sound long, but he was my first love and the emotions I felt were very intense. He had all the qualities I had dreamed of — intelligent, talented, confident, and extremely ambitious. There was strong chemistry between us, and I truly loved him.
But he was also emotionally unavailable, distant, and often cold. Over time, he became controlling and critical — he told me to lose weight so I’d “look better” to show off around his friends, commented that my coat (which was just a practical winter coat) wasn’t appropriate for me, and kept implying I wasn’t doing enough productive stuff in life — even though I currently work and study full time and support myself independently. At first it seemed like it was just an advice, but then it became aggressive.
I kept trying to explain what is making me feel unsafe. That his comments are not helpful at all. He gave just enough to keep me around. But I was often in tears, constantly chasing an unrealistic version of myself that he seemed to want. Eventually, he grew colder and ended things. He said some very hurtful things and suggested a situationship — knowing I would never accept that. It felt like the final blow.
I’ve done a lot to take care of myself — but I still cry remembering the love I felt. I miss the fun memories- I never had that much romance and connection with anyone. Sometimes I wish he’d come back, even though I know he wasn’t good for me. He was not kind to me so I will not write him back anymore.
I’m haunted by the idea that someone else might get the love I craved from him, the love he never gave me.
I feel embarrassed for failing this love. And I’m scared that I won’t love like that again, scared I’ll be stuck in this loop forever.
I’d really appreciate any advice — from people who’ve gone through something similar.
@sociablePineapple5688 it takes a lot of courage to put these feelings into words. The depth of your emotions, the conflict between love and pain, and the fear of never feeling that way again are all deeply human responses to losing someone who meant so much, even if they also caused harm. What you went through wasn’t just a breakup it was a rupture of trust, of hope, and of the future you had imagined with him. It makes complete sense that you’d miss the highs while also holding the hurt, and feeling haunted by what could have been. There’s no shame in grieving what you hoped for. I wonder when you look back, not just at the relationship but at yourself in it, what part of you do you wish had been more seen, more held, or more protected?
I think I wish the version of me that was soft, loving, and willing to give everything had been more seen and protected. I gave so much of myself — my care, my trust, my desire to grow — but it often felt like none of that was truly valued. I needed someone to hold that part of me gently, not criticize or reshape it. I look back and wish I had protected her more too. If you have any advice , let me know. I don’t want to feel so destroyed and defeated forever.
It’s okay to grieve, take all the time you need🩷
It’s okay to grieve, take all the time you need🩷
Thanks, it’s just hard to focus on studies and work fully while going through heartbreak. It feels like the pain will never go away fully. I just hope to become indifferent to what has happened…