" Never enough"

(This post may be triggering)

Today I felt how anxious I truly am. Not the type of anxiety were you are scared you will fail, but the type of anxiety where you feel like you can never win. Today was my dream day. Writting contest, with my long date friend, organised by our writting club, with debates in the morning, with students from others schools, with great food, interesting people, and winning a price in the afternoon. But I don't feel happy. I feel sad, really sad. And the worst is I technically shouldn't. You know, I won a prize! Why am I sad then? Why do I feel invisible? No matter how much people talk to me, I feel like they don't care. Or that I'm uninteresting. The worst is seeing my friend has so many relations, and talks too older people on *** from school, will travel accross the world, knows what she will do later; makes me depressed because I can't have that and she will never understand. Plus I know my anxiety doesn't make sense. Everybody who has anxiety I think does. But it's a feeling I can't erase. And then this voice in my head " They don't care. She's forgetting you. You are not cool enough. " I'm scared that she will abandon me because she prefers popularity. She changed her style, she downloaded ***, she talks with cool popular succesful people. And I feel out of the league. I wish I could be like her and feel inspired from those people instead of envious. But I can't help it. I'm a perfectionnist. Except today being a perfectionnist feels awful. This was supposed to be THE DAY. Where I have fun, express myself. But so many times, I feel like a ghost. I won the prize for " Honorable mention" of debates, but then I felt like I wanted the prize for most creative writting story. But I know that if I had that, I'd probably wonder why I didn't get the debates prize. And it makes me sick. That I can't enjoy my achievements. It's crazy! I get sad for being the 2nd instead of the first so many times, tho many people dream about what I have. But I want what other people have! And yk, I want to accept I feel sad and anxious, but I can't even accept that. And then I feel sick of not accepting it. Etc... Being me is hella tiring. I want things but when they're mine it feels like they're not real. It feels like I never shine even when I win. And honestly, all of that is because I'm scared I can never feel completely happy. I'll always be scared of that happiness going away. Why is joy only here for an jour and sadness for weeks and months ? Why are good days so rare but horrible days so present ? Even that is unfair. So don't try to tell me life is fair. Life is mostly about luck. Then there are genes who are also luck. Well, even determination for hard work is what you're born with. Nothing is really because of US. Anyway, aren't all of us just... Genes? And life circumstances ? And anyway, why do I overthink that much ?

If you're read that far, then you probably got determination genes, or you became determinated so you can be proud of yourself !