PTSD intrusive thoughts, what's y'all's experience
My last post was deleted and idk if I have the energy to rewrite it all.
TW: PTSD, intrusive thoughts, cannibalism, alcoholic parents, SA, etc.
!!! This post is NOT to tell you this is a good behavior. I am simply telling my truth and how I feel and felt at the time.
I have been romanticizing my own destruction since childhood and want to hear if others do the same. Is this a normal occuring thing?
I have had unnatural and controversial thoughts since I was a child,
My parents were alcoholics and I was SA'd multiple times as well as groomed.
I have had abandonment issues and fantasized about kidnapping and keeping people around in my basement so they wouldn't leave me. I thought this was a normal and quirky thing and felt excited at the thought.
I have normalized the fight or flight response and my Brain automatically assumes that's something to be excited about - again, romanticizing the negative behavior. So, when the early signs of fight or flight kicks in I can get flushed or such.
I feel such a strong need to be seen for me. I feel a strong need to be ripped apart, ripped open to be seen.
As a teen I acted dangerously and reached out to older men on a dating app, asking them to kidnap/tie me up and rip me apart. I asked around 10 people and all of them agreed to do it. Luckily, I told my care givers at the time and I ended up without a phone for a while.
Is this a "normal" response to trauma? Is this common?
I have talked to therapists already.
My current one doesn't seem to know what to make out of it.
@Maxneedssocks
It’s crucial to understand that the intense feelings and thoughts you're describing, while distressing and challenging, are not uncommon responses to trauma. Traumatic experiences can deeply affect the way we perceive ourselves, others, and our interactions with the world.
Your experiences with abandonment, abuse, and neglect have likely shaped the way you understand and respond to relationships and emotions. It's natural to feel confused or conflicted about your thoughts and desires, especially when they seem to contradict what you might have expected of yourself. The brain often develops coping mechanisms that are not always healthy but are a way to manage overwhelming emotions or situations.
The romanticizing of destructive behavior, or the excitement you feel about fight-or-flight responses, might be linked to a need for validation or a way to regain control. This is a way of coping with a sense of powerlessness or vulnerability that trauma can instill. It’s also possible that these thoughts serve as a way of processing or making sense of the trauma you’ve endured.
It's very important to continue working with therapists who can help you unravel these feelings and experiences. Therapeutic approaches such as trauma-focused therapy, cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), or dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) can provide tools to understand and manage these intense emotions and thoughts. These therapies can offer you strategies to reframe your thinking, build healthier relationships, and develop coping skills that are more aligned with your well-being.
The need to be seen and understood is profound and valid. It’s a fundamental human need to feel valued and recognized for who we are. Your desire to be “ripped apart” to be seen might be a reflection of a deep-seated need to be understood in your entirety, even if it feels extreme. Exploring these feelings in therapy can help you find ways to express and meet this need in a manner that feels safe and supportive.
Remember, healing from trauma is a process and it's okay to take it one step at a time. Your feelings and experiences are valid, and seeking understanding and support is a sign of strength. Your journey towards healing and self-discovery is important, and with compassionate support, you can work towards a place of greater peace and understanding.
@Maxneedssocks
Here are some practical measures and strategies that might support healing and help manage the intense thoughts and feelings you're experiencing:
1. Continued Therapy: Continue working with a mental health professional, ideally one specializing in trauma. Therapies like Trauma-Focused Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (TF-CBT), Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), or Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) can be particularly effective.
2. Safety Planning: Develop a safety plan with your therapist. This plan can include steps to take if you’re feeling overwhelmed or having harmful thoughts, and ways to ensure your physical and emotional safety.
3. Grounding Techniques: Practice grounding techniques to manage anxiety and the fight-or-flight response. Techniques such as deep breathing, mindfulness, or progressive muscle relaxation can help bring you back to the present moment and reduce feelings of panic.
4. Journaling: Keep a journal to explore and express your thoughts and feelings. Writing about your experiences and emotions can be a therapeutic way to process and understand them.
5. Healthy Coping Mechanisms: Engage in activities that provide a sense of accomplishment or joy. Exercise, creative outlets like art or music, and hobbies can be positive ways to channel your energy and manage stress.
6. Support Network: Build and maintain a support network of trusted friends, family, or support groups. Connecting with others who understand or share similar experiences can provide validation and support.
7. Self-Compassion: Practice self-compassion by being gentle with yourself. Recognize that your responses and feelings are valid and that you’re working through a challenging process. Treat yourself with the same kindness you would offer a friend.
8. Mindfulness and Meditation: Incorporate mindfulness and meditation practices into your routine. These can help increase awareness of your thoughts and feelings and improve emotional regulation.
9. Educational Resources: Read books or access resources about trauma and recovery. Understanding more about how trauma affects the brain and emotions can provide insights and validation.
10. Routine and Structure: Establishing a routine can provide stability and predictability, which can be comforting and help manage anxiety.
11. Boundaries and Self-Care: Set healthy boundaries and prioritize self-care. Ensuring that you have time to relax and engage in activities that rejuvenate you is crucial for your overall well-being.
12. Skill Development: Work on developing coping skills and strategies to handle stress and difficult emotions. Your therapist can help guide you in learning and practicing these skills.
These strategies are meant to complement the work you're already doing in therapy and to support your healing journey. It’s important to tailor these strategies to what works best for you and to continue seeking professional guidance. Healing takes time, and each step you take is a positive move towards understanding and managing your experiences.
I appreciate these tips, truly. I think the reason it hasnt worked out yet is cuz every therapist leaves me to figure it out on my own after i show signs of getting better then i crash a few weeks later as i dont have that confidence or belief that i even deserve better. Ive done CBT, trauma therapy and EDMR (related to one trauma when i was younger) but it felt like it didnt help. It might have helped me in that trauma but theres so much of it its hard to tell.
@Maxneedssocks I'm really sorry you had to go through that. just want you to know, you're not alone 🤍 and I'm glad you're here ❤️ your past actions don't define the whole of you.
You're out here asking for support, reflecting on things and yourself and even thinking of a change and that matters. truly — it takes a lot of courage to do that ❤️ and in case no one has told this to you yet. I'm proud of you.
You're not broken and you absolutely deserve love and healing 🤍 try not to be too hard on yourself ❤️ Sending lots of love towards you! ❤️❤️
