Relationship Anxiety
I am new here, but i have come for some advice. I went through a horrible divorce 2 years ago to my husband of 16 years. I was 19 when we married and he was 26 and a youth pastor. I didn’t realize at the time how wrong that was until he started flirting with young teenage girls a couple years ago and I started calling him out on it. Then he started saying I was crazy and imagining things.
Then my anxiety and depression started acting up so I switched jobs to try to be less stressed and help more at the church he pastored at and he had told me he wanted me to come on staff and help him run his Christian school. All of a sudden he changed his tune and said I’d think everyone was flirting with him and he didn’t want me working at his church.
He went to a conference and refused to talk to me and when he came back, he packed his bags and moved out. I later found out he had been running around with one of the teachers at his school behind my back. He ended up getting fired from the church, but I was devastated and was made to agree to 50/50 custody with no child support, or he said he could prove I was crazy and take full custody of my kids.
Now, thankfully, i got my original job back and i have a wonderful boyfriend who is very patient with me, but i am dealing with a lot of abandonment issues. I am seeing a counselor who is having me read the book I hate you, don’t leave me, which is all about borderline personality disorder. She also says my ex is a narcissist. I am doing a great job understanding what a narcissist is and how to get over and deal with my ex, but I’m so worried I’m going to run my wonderful new boyfriend off due to my abandonment issues and self sabotage.
i get jealous when he looks at girls or says that an actress is cute but mainly because my ex didn’t do those things and he still cheated on me. It makes my boyfriend feel like i don’t trust him because he’s never had a girlfriend say he has checked out anyone too much before. I feel like I’m driving him crazy! How can I be a better girlfriend? He is doing better. Not looking near as much. Telling me he loves me for me. He tries not to trigger me, but I still get triggered. How do I stop getting unintentionally triggered over stupid stuff? He says he feels like he’s walking on egg shells and I don’t want that by any means and I don’t want to lose him! He says he wants to marry me someday but he wants me to work through some of these issues first. How do I?
I am sorry you have gone through such a time with your EX. Your new relationship IMO should not have to suffer because of it. If you want to get over your insecurities you need to gain confidence in yourself.
Your Ex chose to stray and it is not a reflection on you. I do NOT see how so many get jealous or upset by comments about an actress / celebrity as that is very superficial .... and again NOT saying anything about you. People can appreciate good looks even good personality on another person without that meaning they are leaving a marriage/ relationship.
The biggest issue I feel in marrying young ( i did too) is many people are not fully developed into who they are and confident in themselves. Often again in my opinion those who date or marry younger is because they may not be mature and want someone naive they can control or mold into something.
I quickly surpassed the maturity level of my spouse who was 7 years older.... If i had more experience and more confident in myself i would have told him " no thanks" .
I almost wish mine had left...
When you realize you are a catch and they are lucky to have you then you do not care if they observe others and not feel all others are some sort of threat.
I’m trying to gain confidence in myself. I’m losing weight and going to the gym more. I even got a personal trainer. I know it’s sad that I got offended over celebrities and I’m trying not to. I don’t want to be triggered by stupid stuff and I’m trying very very hard not too. I have trouble seeing myself as a catch though and I’m not really sure why. I’m trying though. I’m working on my internal dialogue and trying to be more accepting of myself for who i am how i am while I make myself better. Today i didn’t wear makeup at all and that never happens lol, so maybe I’m making small steps.