TW : Sexual Abuse
Tw : Sexual abuse
This is my first time openly accepting my past. It's really difficult for me to write this.
I WISH I KNEW
I was 7 years old, playing with dolls, toys and enjoying chocolates;
But who knew that I'd myself become someone's toy in later stages of my life.
I loved visiting this temple where my grandparents stayed for a while;
But who knew that I'd make excuses to avoid visiting it later.
I loved playing with a student pandit, even my parents liked him;
But who knew staying alone with him would fall my world apart.
I was innocent, just a kid beginning to explore the world;
But who knew that my innocence would be snatched away to the extent that I started hating myself.
I always believed in my strength, I was sure no one dared to touch me;
But who knew that I'd not even be able to speak (let alone scream) at the very moment.
I loved sleeping, I could even sleep with drums playing near me;
But who knew that I'd ever need a soothing music and exercises to cure my sleepless nights.
I loved school, you know it's exciting to learn new things and make friends;
But who knew that even this place would leave me with traumatizing memories.
I was very talkative and loved making friends (regardless of gender) ;
But who knew that I'd see it as the biggest mistake of my life.
I used to have great dreams, either funny or lovely, I enjoyed them;
But who knew that these people would even haunt me in my dreams, to the extent that I was afraid to sleep.
I could cry easily, either for toys or for bullying my sister;
But who knew that later in my life, I'd hide my tears with a smile every single second.
*There's more of it but I can't right now.. maybe later.
Thank you for reading till the end.
@Blahblah1805
*The remaining part..
I was 13, on a lovely trip with my aunt and others;
But who knew that it'd turn into the most horrible experience of my life.
I loved this one cousin as he took great care of me and was always around;
But who knew that taking a nap next to him was something I'd regret forever.
I always thought I was smart and could get away with anything;
But who knew that my brain would freeze that night.
I could've screamed or woke my aunt up;
But I stayed there motionless, dying inside after his every single touch.
I believed in justice, bad people always receive punishments;
But who knew that my parents would scold me, blame me, restrict me.
After the age of 7, I've always wanted to help the victims of sexual assaults;
But who knew that mere reading of their stories would give me panic attacks.
I wish someone told this to me earlier, I WISH I KNEW..
We all have bad memories right? We don't even remember what we had for lunch yesterday, then why do I remember these incidents like they just occured right before this moment..
I feel disgusted, I feel used
I'll never forget the fact that
I'm a victim of sexual abuse.
I was physically abused too.
Not once but twice, I thank God that at least it wasn't a rape Or I would have died
I was 6 or 7 yrs old I was in my village I was sleeping with my relatives suddenly I felt a hand in my ***
I didn't know what was happening I didn't realize what that was
I remember this incident some years ago when I was abused once again by a person who touched my butt
That that felt devastating...
I suddenly remembered it
I regret remembering
I felt disgusting
I felt useless for not doing something
I felt helpless
I still feel this his touch I hate my body
I know there are many people like
I hope u r doing fine
Wished someone asked me this.
Thnks for reading though
@independentAvocado4696 Aww I'm so sorry. I can understand your pain and the way you have felt back then. It's okay I also froze when such situation occured, I guess most people don't know what to do. Though it does feel disgusting till date, I hope we'll grow up stronger and not let these things hold us back.
I know it's easy to say this but we will try okay sweetheart❤.
Right. I'm 34 now, this happened from starting again age 6 on up through my whole childhood... I can't remembering anything else during my childhood except for what happened to me, like it was yesterday (as you said) I'm not the mother of 2 daughters and I fear for them, every single day I am so fearful and paranoid about everyone because I fear that ever happening to my children. And statistically there is a high likelihood it will and that terrifies me. I try to talk to them so often about what to do if anyone ever tried or succeeded... I want them to know they can come to me, they can speak up. When I tried speaking up, my mom shunned me, and moved me out of the house. She even had the hospital telling her I was being sexuallt abused when she took me in for a reoccurring UTI. But still she denied it. And sent me away. My life changed for the worst after I spoke up. And I never EVER want my children to EVER have to experience that.. I need them to know, they will find safety and comfort in me... that I would never abandon them the way my mother did.
@SerenelyClean I'm so sorry for what you went through. I can understand how you would've felt as my parents didn't support me either but I'm really proud of you of how you're making sure that your kids don't go through the same. That's awesome. Take care❤.
Yea that is the worst part ever. So my dad was my abuser, but as a small child there is nothing worse than having ur own mother who is supposed to protect you, but instead labels u a liar and abandons u, instead of making sure to keep you safe... like I never realized until maybe a few years ago just how deeply that alone affects how I interact with others and have relations with people... or I should say lack of any kind of relations with other people more specifically
@SerenelyClean Oh I'm so sorry. Yes it does affect our relationship with others, we can't seem to trust people after our close ones hurt us. Hope you're okay after sharing all this and it isn't haunting you❤.
And I'm so very sorry you experienced this too. It isn't right. And I still cannot fathom how anyone could ever do that.. while we end up paying a life sentence for the transgressions against us.. its unfair and life altering. The worst, most heinous of crimes is SA against children. Yet it is so common. But u are SOOOO brave for putting ur story out there, especially in such a powerful way
@SerenelyClean Thank you for your words.
Stay strong sister ☹️
@orangeCat4409 Trying my best 😖
@Blahblah1805
Im sorry you had to go through such experiences at such early stages in life. It’s horrific and I hate that this kind of ppl even exist. What happened it’s not your fault but I admire your strength for taking this step, posting here. You give me some courage. I know how hard can be. What I’m about to say next I never said before “out loud”, nobody knows. I never thought of myself as victim, somehow I managed to repress everything and had convinced myself that I was to blame in each particular moment, simply because I thought I could’ve put an end to it or completely avoid it. So I moved on with my life each time like it never happened. But years ago when depression was starting to get a hold on me, everything came back in my mind like it happened yesterday. I feel now everything I didn’t then.. Like I was in a coma and now waking up, it hit me with heavy feelings. What I could or couldn’t do differently, still doesn’t make it ok, still shouldn’t have happened, still was awful, still felt fear and despair and it’s just something it should’ve not happen. Yet it did. And because I never actually did anything to recover, now I relieve each and every moment and am stuck. These awful things happened to me when I was growing up, I didn’t seek for help, now it feels too late anyways and I’m furious. Why is past trauma that I never thought about since it happened, tormenting me now? Before it was like never happened now I can’t move on.
Am truly sorry you know this feeling and thank you for sharing. I appreciate you. Hope you’re ok and a warm hug if you wish to accept it.
@Fluffymonster101 I'm so sorry for what you went through. I can understand your feelings. I'm glad you shared this here. But sweetheart, it's never too late to ask for help. You can still work on yourself with help of a professional and everything will get better.
*Sending you lots of love and strength ❤
@181005
thank you 💛
@Fluffymonster101 I know how it feels. I hope we'll both grow out of it and stay strong.
Hugs you tightt❤
@Blahblah1805
Hopefully. Guess it’s the kind of thing that always stuck with us, just need to learn how to live with it. @181005 was right about seeking profesional help. I just wish it would be easier to open up. As rn it’s not an option for me. Thank you both for kind words and advice. Take care!
@Blahblah1805
Hey sweetie! I'm so sorry for what you've gone through and what you're going through. I can read your pain through your lines. I know it's not at all easy to get away from this kind of things. But I hope you can stay strong. And, I'm really proud of you for bringing the courage to share your story with us❤.
*We're all here for you.
@181005 Thank you for your kind words ☺
@Blahblah1805
Im sorry that you had to go through hard times like that. Parents/elders must keep up with the evolution of their childs mind and be alert to stop/avoid bad situations that might occur.
@freshman12 Yeah you're right. But we can't blame the parents completely either it's upto the person more. How much he/she can control himself to prevent doing the evil.
I don't like blaming parents but when the kids are immature, they don't know how to control negative thoughts and actions. Therefore it's parents duty to watch, teach them ways to predict, avoid, react to such situations.
@freshman12 Hmm that's true.
@Blahblah1805 😞 I'm so sorry sweetie 😞 I wish I knew what to say to comfort you. Yep you don't remember yesterday's lunch, but still remember every bad thing that happened😞 I'm not sure I really understand my traumas with this subject, that why I'm kinda lost for words. But please know I love you ❤ and I care about you ❤❤ and I'm only a tag away if you ever need to talk ❤ hugs you tightly ❤❤
@Tinywhisper11 I'm doing okay now Lola. It's okay you just replying here is more than enough for me to feel better. I just hope my post didn't remind you of your past. Hope you're doing well. I love you❤. Hugs you back.
@Blahblah1805 I just wish I could cuddle you up forever ❤ and keep you safe ❤❤ I love you
@Tinywhisper11 That'd be great 😭❤
@Blahblah1805 ❤❤
It so hurtful read what someone did to you. And admiring, saying it aloud are already first steps to healing. There is not a single thing you can blame or make it to happen. He is to blame and only him! Maybe time to call it to justice or at least tell your parents about it, best friend etc.
time can heal that it’s doesn’t hurt so much but scar will always remain and you won’t forget. You need to learn living with it and accept it. It devistating but it makes you unique
you can now support those who experience similar or help avoid it.
you have a beautiful soul!
virtual hug 🫶
@shiningCloud47
Thank you so much for your words❤. I tried to gain justice by informing my parents but they asked me to shut up and never share it with anyone or people will hate me. Anyways I'm slowly trying to accepting everything the way it is as obviously I can't change it.
Thank you for the hug🤗
@Blahblah1805
The cause of the situation of not being able to share that with anyone is the mean society and their reacting ways itself. Infact, I think almost every child (including me) have gone through experiences like that. So it is no big deal unless it was something worse than that. Thank God for that and whatever he have done will definitely reflect on him in the way of Karma. So don't worry be happy. 😊 Nothing happened to you, you are good. <3
@freshman12 Thank you for your kind words😊. Sorry to know that you've faced something similar too. Hope you're doing well. Take care❤.
@Blahblah180 i was raped at 7 when i was young i never told anyone but my lil sis
so your not alone
@warmheartedgreyyson Oh no!! I'm so sorry. Are you okay? Does it still haunt you?
Take care. Sending you hugs❤.
I stand with you. This spoke to my inner child... my inner child is still broken from losing my innocence at 6 yr old. If people only knew, they wouldn't be able to sleep either. If u ever want someone to talk with thay gets it, you can always talk to me
@SerenelyClean I’ll always talk to you I am going through a hard time with sexual assault and having nightmares about different things even my offender I have challenges at night with muscle tension pain sadness being bothered triggered I am always on high alert at night it’s watching my surroundings going down the street to the store the crime took place limberlost and 1st in Tucson 4160 n 1st ave Tucson az 85705 my offender took advantage of me is a black guy I’m glad he didn’t do worse it’s killing me he’s In prison in Phoenix Arizona 6/7/2028 2028 is the end of his sentence he’ll be released
@dhabib I am soooo sorry bb, I totally get it. I'm so very sorry you have to experience that. We pay a LIFE sentence, while they only lose a few years, sometimes not even that. It's unfair and unjust. I've had to come to terms with sleeping never being easy for me again. It hasn't since I was a kid. 34 years old and I'm terrified of the dark, terrified of being alone, super paranoid about strangers, even skeptical of those I know. It completely breaks us, and alters how we interact with the world. It's not fair.
@Blahblah1805 sexual assault bothers me that’s what happened me to me 5/8/2021 my offender is in prison he’s in Phoenix az Arizona department of corrections his picture on the website is scary and triggering traumatic his name Gerald Maurice Wilkinson he’s black
@dhabib I can understand how traumatizing it would be for you. It's a good thing that he's in prison, isn't it? I know it's difficult but try to stay calm. Everything will get better. ❤
