Anxiety threatening my marriage
Hi everyone. I have been having relationship problems with my spouse. First, I’ll preface it by saying I have debilitating anxiety. My therapist and psychiatrists have said I have some combination of GAD, PTSD and bipolar (it’s not the textbook “manic” bipolar. I shifts moods quickly.). I have a history of sexual abuse and an alcoholic mother who was severely debilitating with her verbal and emotional abuse growing up. I’ve thankfully made pretty strong boundaries with her, but I’m struggling with making my spouse feel emotionally supported. She says that I dominate our relationship emotionally with my issues and don’t show her the attention that she needs. I agree with this assessment. She also says I’m emotionally manipulative by making her and everyone know I’m silently upset until they ask what’s wrong. I can’t really argue with that either. I feel like I’m tapped out on what my meds can do to help. The rest I have to put the hard work in to make that positive change. I’ve been working with my therapist at identifying problems that are making me unhappy. One of them is ruminating. The main way we have been combatting it is through mindfulness meditation and having a worry journal. He wants me to put my worries down and put the worst case scenario to help me see how my thoughts are irrational in many cases. Honestly, this is an excuse, but I find it hard to fit these items in each day working 50+ hours per week at my job and having two kids. We are also going to do marriage counseling. It is to the point where she is drawing a line that I have to get better or she will leave me. I’m terrified of this. She is my best friend and I can’t imagine life without her. My therapist and I will be able to meet more frequently now from about once per month to biweekly, which will help. I’ve seen him for 4 years, so I really don’t want to end that relationship. My wife is highly emotionally intelligent but I feel she doesn’t understand that with crippling anxiety, I really struggle to see beyond my own problems. But I have no choice but to get better. Any advice on what to do?
I'm sorry to say that I don't have much advice, but I can relate to a lot of what you say. My husband and I are trying to start a family so I've gone off my medication. This has made things much more difficult for me to manage obviously and I frequently worry about the toll this will take on our relationship. I've been seeing a counselor but agree completely with your struggles of fitting in all the stuff I should do for my mental health. The world leaves us little time to stop and breathe. I guess the only consolation I can give is that you're not alone. That's why I'm here. We get so caught up in the problems in our own lives that we can't see anything else. We feel alone even though people all over the world, maybe even across the street, are going through the same thing. I just went on a backpacking trip with my husband that was very trying. Out on the trail in the middle of the woods with the weight of your pack, blisters on your feet in your wet boots, and no one else in sight the thought of the miles to go is debilitating. But when you reach camp you suddenly find other people who have been out doing the same thing as you, just on a different trail. You see that you're never really alone. So as scary and uncertain as the path ahead may seem, no matter what happens along the way, your path will cross with someone going through the same thing. I'm hopeful for you that marriage counseling will help. I think counseling can be eye-opening for people who don't have mental illness. She may find resources to help her with things she didn't even realize she needed help with.
