Birthday Anxiety

Today is my birthday and it's currently 1:40 AM. I've been crying since yesterday, we went to the mall to buy some things and I don't really know what became the trigger but I suddenly felt really low and hollow, like from my highest peak down to the lowest in span of minutes. I've been doing well the past week so I thought I was already fine, but then this happened and I feel guilty for accidentally being rude towards my mom yesterday. She didn't do nothing wrong and yet I treated her and my family in a rude way by not talking to any of them since yesterday. I feel like I was gonna burst out anytime. I can't stop crying. I went out few minutes ago for some fresh air and saw that they arranged chairs outside our house-for parties. I hate parties. I hate being stuck with a large number of people. I did told them I want my birthday to be a simple one. Just our family, or I just me since I badly want to be alone because I usually had anxiety attacks in front of a large crowd. I hate it. I hate it. I just wanna vanish from everyone's life. I wish they could forget about me and live a better life. I do know I'm bothersome. I've been thinking of getting some pills. My thoughts are in it again. I hate my birthday. I hate myself. I want to run away.