Constant unrest/1st time reaching out

Hello everyone.

I’ll be honest, I’ve never been good at the “reaching out for help” thing, or having a solid support system to fall back on when I need it, or even clear communication in general (it’s gonna take a good hour or two for me to even complete this with what I want to say and how I want it said). So, this is kind of my first step to do all that. I’ve mostly been a lurker on here, revisiting every couple of months, scrolling through listener after listener, kind of afraid to just pick one and go. Being vulnerable has never been my strong suit, even with people I know I’m safe around… but this thread stuff seems a bit more comfortable for me, surprisingly enough. Some mixed feelings about doing this, but I’m hopeful that it’ll help me one way or another. So, thanks for having me, and if you’re taking the time to read all of this, thanks for your patience. :)

These past few weeks have been rough. I faced rejection from a potential s/o very quickly after we tried a relationship, despite him having shown a lot of interest in me, and lots of communication for months (huge blow to my ego and self-esteem). I recently moved away from a roommate to live on my own because I was pouring from an empty cup with them. I’m in my summer classes, which require a lot of work, My job situation is meh, given all the circumstances involved.

I’ve made things to where I have quite a bit of free time, and I try pacing myself regularly… but no matter hwo much time I have to myself, I just can’t relax. My mind is always racing. Rumination sets in often and spontaneously. I’m comparing myself to others constantly - my classmates have more experience and ease with starting off in the profession we’re all in, they have their lives managed out a bit more, and they all are far busier than me. My self-consciousness has been high, and my confidence has been low. I find myself underestimating my abilities, which sometimes turns into a self-fulfilling prophecy, which causes more underestimating… the cycle continues. I’m finding myself unable to focus, I’m having trouble staying positive, and I haven’t been very kind to myself lately. I’m constantly worried about the future or even dreading events I shouldn’t dread (like going to class in a subject I love and am super interested in, for example). And this isn’t even all of it. It’s just a big chunk of what I’ve been going through lately. I can’t seem to find peace in this, despite making lots of time for it.

I don’t know when I’ll feel at peace again, but I really hope it’s soon. This constant state of unrest has been very mentally/emotionally exhausting for me. I don’t know what I did a few days ago, but I had this one day where I felt completely refreshed, relaxed, and ready to conquer whatever came my way. And it disappeared after that day… so I’m wondering if maybe I can get that again somehow, but keep it there.

But, in the meantime, I guess rest should be my first step.

Good night, all. Thanks again for reading. I’ll be back soon (hopefully!).