Crippling Depression, Anxiety attacks and Abusive household.
Hello there. I'm 14 from zimbabwe and here's my story..
Recently I have been under so much pressure with school-work, my toxic household and just general stress and I haven't had much time to myself lately as a way of clearing my mind or having inner peace. It has never been like that anyway here. My parents aren't help at all because they are 100% the reason why I feel like this. Ther are very abusive verbally and physically and I am literally not allowed to have any emotions or feelings. And at my age there are a TON of feelings both good or bad. Last year was a tough year for me as I was severly beaten and yelled at for my every move and had lots of hurtful words cast upon my now shrivelled soul and I had crippling depression for 6 months and I got abused for that as well an now i feel like i'm going back into that horrible time-loop again ☹️. Its so painful to handle. Everyday becomes more and more hopless and I always think about s u i c i d e and once commited s e l f h a r m and my parents found out and I got verbally abused for being ungrateful. Just yesterday I reached someplace else but there was no reaction so it made me feel even more hopless and I feel like noone cares about me. Everyday becomes more and more hopeless for me and I find myself constantly loosing t h e w i l l t o l i v e. All this is so upsetting and has been going on for long enough. I've even looked for a way to escape this daily trauma which is intercountry adopting from the U.S but I haven't found anyone yet despite my research and I have time anxiety and I promised myself that by the end of this year I should be someplace else mentally and physically and right now 3 months has passed and i'm still not moving. Time is moving but i am not and everday becomes more and more depressing. I cry myself to sleep everyday and sometimes no tears come out because of the way I'm not allowed to express my feelings in such a household. When i think about life and my parents my head literally starts hurting and also when my parents are around i find myself panicking. It's really not safe here seeing as i am bisexual and my father said he'd kill me if i wasn't straight. I really need help coping with this and it hurts more and more hard to handle everyday. At this point i'm just waiting to d i e. I always feel small because of my parents and my dreams and emotions are always trampled on and time is moving and I haven't found anyone to intercountrily adopt me or anything and its stressing me out and i barely have time to distress because I'm always under pressure and on the edge. If you can help me in anyway whether with this adoption or emotionally it would be great.
@Kittieluna
Being a kid, my only sight was a broken family and parents arguing over small things. Being a kid it was way too much for me to cope up with any such environment. My friends would bully me for my mum's relationship with a neighbor next door unknowing that my dad was the one who cheated on her first, An alcoholic dad, and an abusive environment at home lead me to chronic depression. I had literally no one to talk to it about. Everything around me suffocated me. High school was another depressive phase rather it was soul-destroying. After years of struggling with depression I have had enough, I started to love myself, the only option I didn’t opt-in for years. And see it’s working. I started with accepting my background, history, and life. It had helped me a lot. Make a healthy routine for a healthy life, from your diet to your workout to positive activities, including everything in your routine.
Here are some quick tips that have proved to be an effective cure for me An Ultimate Guide Towards Your Recovery From Depression
I’m sure it’s going to help you. :)
@jessicjames
Thank you so much for this! Just yesterday I thought I would take my mind off of this by establishing a skin care routine I'd follow and start actually taking care of my self and to my surprise it woked! It diid clear my mind a bit and I have this empty bottle of lavender oil and I just smelt it cause it said for stress relief and that cleared my mind a little and made me feel so much better about myself :)
@Kittieluna
I'm glad something helped you! :)
@jessicjames
@Kittieluna
hello,
i want to give you advice and try to help you as much as i possibly can, i understand that you're going through a really hard time and having some very negative thoughts, when dealing with family like that it's normal...
if you can find another family member that can take you in or someone you know that could take you in that is safe and a good environment for you that would be ideal, you're at an age that so many things are happening and you're starting to have to deal with more and more stress, i know that your parents aren't helping and since they're causing you so much stress and pain it would be good for you to have a better environment, even if you can create one there for yourself while you wait to find someone to take you into their household.
I don't know you and i all i know is what you wrote but i care, i care about you and i want you to be okay and feel happy and be safe, i want you to know that if you want to talk i'm here and i will listen, you are not alone and you matter and you're important.
please don't hurt yourself, i'm a psychology student and my speciality is children and teenagers, i have learned that there's a lot of parents that are like yours and some family members really are toxic to a child, it is so important for you to feel understood and loved no matter what, it is important to support a child and help them cope, if your parents aren't like that then it's good for you to meet people who are.
i'm just in my early 20s but if i could take you away from that bad situation i would, i can give you support and advice and you won't be alone.
school is difficult and if you're already stressed you should be getting support, when you feel overwhelmed write and talk here, don't lose hope because i know i felt that way before but now i'm a lot better and i have separated negative people from my family, so you can also get better with the right support.
@warmheartedSpring3954
Thank you so much for the response! And yes it is really hard to withstand all of this and it hurts every step that I take. Ok so when it co,es to the family memebers who can take care of me in the meantime thing that doesn't seem to be an option at the moment given the circumstances that I don't have any relatives or other family that are in close quarters to me as they may live right across the country or not in this country at all! Which makes me feel even more hopless. I can't go to the neighbors as well because they are not trustworthy and they's probably call my parents if i went there and it would be drama and another form of abuse on it's own. Some family memebers are somewhere in the city but then again their either far away, i don't know who they are or where they live and they'll call my parents and I'll get into trouble and I'll be abused once again. So really if I run away where would I go? All this is stressing me out which is probably the reason why i turned to Intercountry Adoption. But seem to be nowhere when it comes to thaat because everywhere I turn to noone can help me with that and their just ther for emotional support. I mean emotional support is great! But i end up getting too much of it and all sorts of advice from different directions and sometimes that's heavily confusing. Which also causes me feeling hopless and depressed and thats stressful. I just want a parent who is caring and who is there for me supportively and emotionally far away from here and it feels like that's never going to happen and that stresses me out. At this point its by the end of this year if I'm not adopted i'm gonna k i l l m y s e l f. So it's either by the end of there I'm somewhere else. I'm either adopted my someone intercountrily and be some place else or d e a d and be some place else as well which is the g r a v e. :(
@Kittieluna
i understand it might seem hopeless but let's see exactly what your options are, because if really necessary you could get yourself out by the authorities so they get you out of a toxic environment.
if you could go to any place where would you go ? what is the ideal place and situation for you?
you are not alone, i can give you advice and try to see with you what your best options are and ways to help you get out of a bad place.
@warmheartedSpring3954
Alright. Well is is it possible for you to message me on here to keep the conversation going? And about the authorities thing. I live in a third world country that is corrupt and the police don't care we really don't have any foster homes etc etc so its really difficult. What I wanted to do was to go to this counselling centre in the city and and tell the counsellor my story and he/she would help me by provding a place to stay while helping me with getting immancipated and this whole adoption thing since she'll have evidence but then I'm not allowed to go to therapy by my parents because they don't want me telling anyone what they do to me and my mom ignores me all the time when I ask about councelling thing cause she once had a soft spot for me and took me to an unhelpful counselling centre who told me to suck it up and move on and it hurt a lot and I told her (my mom) and she called me ungrateful etc. I have had this plan since last year but I can't really make it happen so I have no-where to go in the mean time..... :(
@Kittieluna
of course we can talk as much as you want, i'm here everyday all the time,
alright well you're not ungrateful you just want to get better and that's a good thing, as a psychology student i will say not all psychologist or therapists are good, some don't have experience or compassion, a lot do but not all, there's so many things that this job needs and that's what you should have gotten and i'm so sorry you didn't get proper help then.
i can help as much as possible and we can talk about all the possibilities to get you away from that situation.
really i hope this doesn't sound bad or creepy but if only i was a bit older i would get you away from that situation and care for you and give you all the help and support possible, i have a soft spot for kids with situations like this one because i want kids so badly, so i will help as much as possible.
@warmheartedSpring3954
Awww thank you so much. And no it's not creppy at all I also wish the same :(. Anyway yeah that's the problem here. No-one really cares about this and they "want evidence" and they want to see it happeneing for them to take action but even if they do they do not help at all. The police here are very corrupt and some are rapists even the government. We have no voluntary organisations here that care for people like me and it really hurts because that's hopeless for me. I really need to get out of here :(. And where can I message you here on 7 cups? Do you have a listener account?
@Kittieluna
i'm glad it's not creepy.
okay i understand hmm that does sound bad but there's always a way, so we can try to figure out something okay ?
i read a book about this type of situation and it was very hard to get the child adopted but at the end he did get adopted and got away from the bad environment and left the country, so we can think about what to do so you are okay.
i don't have a listener account yet,i'm trying to get that done.
@warmheartedSpring3954
Thank you so much for willing to assist me with this very difficult environment. I do hope you get your listener account very soon so we can get through this horrible thing together and I can finally get my happy ending. :)
@Kittieluna
no problem and yes i'm going to try to get that soon but for the moment we can talk here, you can talk to me about whatever is on your mind or what you're feeling and we can try to find a solution to everything .
@warmheartedSpring3954
Alright :). I just have time anxiety at the moment with this adoption thing cause i want it to happen asap rocky because I am aspiring alternative artist hoping to release an EP album by 15 and debut by 16 and it will NOT happen here and as soon as I get adopted I want to fulfill my dreams and time is running out and I'm still here :(.
@Kittieluna
but don't get discourage, good things take time and it sounds cliché but it's true, right now try to focus on you getting better and finding a way to ignore the bad things your parents say, try to find something you enjoy and when they start yelling you can ignore it and then you do something like write or draw and stay calm,obviously if you rather talk i'm here.
where exactly would you like to move to ?
@warmheartedSpring3954
I have underlined the fact that I need an intercountry adoption from someone is the U.S ...
@Kittieluna
okay, i just made a listener account if you want to talk there it's @niceWings8014
@warmheartedSpring3954
I can't find your account is it possible for you to message me or reply here so i can find you easily?
@Kittieluna
one second let me see
@Kittieluna
niceWings8014 that's my account , i will be online now
@Kittieluna
hello, i'm here
@niceWings8014
I think i can't message you cause it says you listen to people over 18 I'm not so sure
@Kittieluna
okay let me check because i didn't want to put that.
@Kittieluna
hello, i tried to fix that but it's not changing so i guess we can talk here if that's ok with you ?
@warmheartedSpring3954
I guess so but then won't everyine read here?
@Kittieluna
yes , i'm trying to ask other listeners about changing that setting but for the moment i'm waiting for a response from them.
@warmheartedSpring3954
oh ok it's alright. I'll have to talk to you laater on because it's night time here now. Well it's 6pm but I need to take the computer fo confiscation :(. I will see you tomorrow. :)
@Kittieluna
okay talk tomorrow, i have spain time just in case so when i wake up i'll write back .
@Kittieluna
hello,
just wanted to make check up on you and make sure you're okay,
how are you feeling today ?
@warmheartedSpring3954
HEYYY. my account had been deactivated so that's why i haven't been her. It ws upsetting. But i am sooo glad that i finally got it back oh my god. Ok so yeah it's been the same old thing lately I'm not really doing well and i feel really hopeless about ever getting out of this hoysehold so yeah :(. But overall I'm extremely elated now that i got this account back so yep. :)
@warmheartedSpring3954
did you manage the listener account?
@Kittieluna
hello, i'm glad you got your account back and hopefully things get a little better, i have tried with the listener account but i'm not getting any replies on how to change that...
how are you feeling today ?
@warmheartedSpring3954
Hiii. I' okay i guess. Still have time anxiety over the whole adoption thing and getting a lot worried about if i'm even getting outta here :(.
@Kittieluna
hey, it's going to be okay, anxiety in a situation like that is normal, but you have to be patient and we can talk about every option there is .
@warmheartedSpring3954
and also i don't have much time cause April might be the only time i'm free and the June going down i'm at school and there is no way i can contact you to help with this etc etc so i'm scared..
@Kittieluna
oh i'm sorry , well you can contact me here and if you want to talk i'm here
@warmheartedSpring3954
i feel really hopeless rn :(
@Kittieluna
aww things aren't hopless even if you feel like they are, good things take time.
don't give up.
@warmheartedSpring3954
but i'm at zero right now and i wanna be outta here by like december and its march i haven't even gotten close TO WHAT'S GONNA GET ME OUTTA HERE CAN YOU HELP MEE. :(
@Kittieluna
well let's see are there any programs you can sign up for so you can study abroad until you can leave that bad situation at home ?
@warmheartedSpring3954
nooo bro this is why i wanted you to make a listener account. but i have a thread about what i want on the family & caregiver support thread
@Kittieluna
oh i'm sorry, i tried the listener account but only 18 and up and i've writen to a few listeners to ask how to change that but nobody is answering.
well maybe if you find something like i said that can help?, maybe trying to find something similar would be a good idea ?
@warmheartedSpring3954
is it possible for you to make anothe listener account chile?
@Kittieluna
i will try to see if there's anything i can do okay ? i've made another account but the option to change that doesn't show up so i need to see who i can contact that will answer.
i'm here okay ?
@warmheartedSpring3954
Our stupid scanner isn't working even though i did everything that my dad told me to do to connect it and I'm scared that when he's back and I ask him to fix it he'll yell at me and i'm already mad that it's not working and I'm crying and having a mental breakdown rn :(
I am not okay and i have a headache and the fact that i can't contact you any other way is torturing me :(
@Kittieluna
i'm sorry i keep asking people but they tell me they don't know, hmm what about maybe looking online to see how you can fix the scanner ?
for the headache i would say maybe take something and put ice , lay down in a dark room and rest
@warmheartedSpring3954
hi i'm not okay :(
@Kittieluna
Hello,
sorry for the late reply but i have exams and i'm also dealing with the lost of a family member so i've been focusing on my studies a bit more.
WHat happened ?
@warmheartedSpring3954 can I talk to you
@Theoisgay
hello yes of course , i'm here
@warmheartedSpring3954 ok thanks
@Theoisgay
no problem, whenever you want to talk i'll be here
I’m not that great at helping, but i find going on walks to clear my head, and allocating times where i focus on myself and my mind, and relaxing, can really help me to calm down, atleast for a little while
I totally can sympathize with you to a extend of this. I live in a very toxic household where my feelings are never valid. Emotionally and mentally my father has been abusive. He’s very “machista” as we call it in our culture meaning that men always try to hold their masculinity. He always thinks men are superior. He always bashed women. I’m tired of the negative things he has to say. He lets out his anger on my siblings and I and causes all kinds of tensions. It gets mentally exhausting. I’m a college student and I work so having to deal with that is already stressful enough. I just hope one day you can escape your family and live a happy life. I’m sorry you have to go through this. No one should ever have too. Sending you lots of love and positive vibes your way @kittieluna. You’re going to do amazing things in life.
I've been here with the verbal and emotional abuse, and then I've watched how my parents tore at each other through insane physical violence. I see how they even uses religion and culture and these two have girdled my own sexual desires and made me guilty about wanting sex. I've seen how it's affected my siblings and I know what it has done to me. But if you can find that one friend or family member who listens, it helps. I had no way out, and what helped me and might help you, is to write. Write a journal entry. Burn it after if you think you can't hide it. Write the most cryptic poetry. Practice breathing. Look yourself in the mirror and say "I love you" until you believe it (I've just started this). And I'll tell you what my therapist says, be kind to yourself. I'm still not sure how, but maybe you will. And always reach out here. Peace & love
