Damned if I do, damned if I don't
I'm paralyzed with the thought: I'm not normal.
If I stay in and don't talk to anyone: wow, I'm depressed, agoraphobic, avoidant personality, autistic, etc.
If I go out, talk, have fun, or dare drink: wow, I'm bipolar, probably have borderline personality, why do you need validation from other people, etc.
The common thread is this pervasive paranoia and hypervigilance over the theory "I'm not normal". It's really the only thing truly not normal with me but it does interfere dramatically with my ability to work, maintain friendships, set healthy goals because I waste so much time coming up with futile hypotheses. Today I researched whether my bent ring finger was the smoking gun that could confirm I'm autistic. When a friend invited me out I immediately thought I was bipolar for thinking screw it I need to relax and have fun. So much so I'm now writing this post. Anyone else experiencing something like this?
The hardest and most rewarding challenge I have is not to listen to my own thoughts...and if I do listen, not to believe them. As time goes on I become more and more convinced that I am far happier when I don't label or judge myself or anybody...and don't pay attention to anyone else's judgment or labels.
It's amazing how much I accomplish when I just...act. Do things. Set a big or tiny goal and act. Disregard what I think and know that it's human nature to quit about 40% of the way through anything.
I try to be kind and open and hope others are. If they're not, I don't pay them much attention.
Sometimes it's useful to think there's a greater Spirit that regards me with unconditional love. Sometimes it's useful to think that there isn't.
Sometimes it's best to put on a song I like and just do what I need to do and remember that my life is not a course I'll be graded on. It's not even pass/fail.
No labels. No judgments. I just am. I do things.
And writing this has helped me get out of a daylong funk and feel energized to take action, with a pledge to you and to myself not to judge myself. We can be good role models for each other.
No labels. No judgments. And whoa...hey, there's a HUGE amount of space in my head and heart and a HUGE amount of leftover energy when I'm not worried about what others think and not busy dwelling on putting myself down.
Thanks for giving me that.
@GentleMom And normal? No one is. And what one person thinks is abnormal may be what another person finds interesting. And we are all so multifaceted. Everybody's got a few cracked facets but we're all gems and all have our unique sparkle.
And that we carry on despite our flaws is often the most heroic and gorgeous thing about us. It is our own unique hero's journey and the right others see it as a compelling witness to our inner strength and draw great hope from it. And some people with the same issues become our siblings in the struggle.
In Japan, a work of artistic merit MUST have a flaw in it to be judged beautiful. Look up the Japanese term wabi sabi...read several definitions because it's not easily translated. It has to do with the impermanence and irregularity and beauty of nature and age...and the deeper feeling one gets from seeing something that is meaningfully beautiful but naturally imperfect.
Welcome to the Wabi Sabi club. You are beautiful, just as you are.
@Isthatallthereis
As much as 7cups is a wonderful site it is easy to get sucked into the vacum of considering that mental illness (some forms of which are relatively rare in the general population) are much more widespread than they are. The people who post in the forums or write about their experiences are generally here for one reason, 1. The are struggling and they feel isolated from wider society, many of them have mental health issues. Reading a lot about this can cause additional anxiety, and this phenomenon has been observed in medical students who during their first years of study often believe minor symptoms such as slight side pain which they may have previously dismissed as being a sure sign of appendicitis (this being due to actually having knowledge of the location of the appendix). I am not suggesting in any way you cut out this website as a part of your wider support network but I would encourage you to spend time with those in your offline life who are not struggling with such concerns. When it comes to mental health it is often not the specific symptoms that are what defines the illness it is the degree to which they impact upon your life.
@Miracle Ha ha! I'd just like to add I've been this way since I was a kid! I had a bad upbringing where I was constantly told I wasn't normal which has led me on a life-long quest to discover and fix what's not normal about me. I've recently realized quite fundamentally it's only this feeling of not being normal that's abnormal (as it's quite destructive) but on bad days my habits and patterns come out.
