I (15F) feel so disconnected to myself and I’m afraid I’m just growing up, but I’m not ready and am having a lot of anxiety over it

TL;DR: I (15F) got so anxious last year due to the pandemic that (in June 2020) I became empty, unmotivated, and disinterested in what I loved (family, friends, hobbies). Because of this, I lost the sense of myself, or the empowering feeling that this is truly “me”. Because a big part of me is often a phase for teens (emo/alternative), I’m afraid I’m just growing up, but I’m not ready to say goodbye to this side of me yet (or my friends and hobbies). I can’t imagine myself as anyone else as I’ve been like this for 3-4 years now. I just want myself back (with some healthier changes), but I’m afraid my passion, emotions, interests, and love are gone forever

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I keep finding myself worrying about a loss of self and passing time. I’ve been worrying about a variety of things around May of 2020 due to being stuck inside with the pandemic and the looming fact that COVID wasn’t going anywhere, but they all seemed to follow the worry of time passing and not feeling like myself anymore. It got too overwhelming back in June of 2020, and I had a period of time where I felt completely numb, disinterested in everything I loved, and very unmotivated. It went away for a bit and I was relieved, but it came back shortly after and I’ve been like that ever since. My worries got more and more general as time went on. I’m so sick of worrying about all of these things, and I just want my past self back.

One of my biggest worries was my loss of interest and passion in the things I loved. It seems like all the hobbies I’ve ever had just left me. It got to the point where I was anxious thinking about my hobbies (especially the ones I loved the most before quarantine), but I’ve finally been able to get a bit more into them lately. I’m not anxious about them anymore. That being said, I still worry my love and interest will never be the same. There was this band I was counting down the days to see live in concert. It was postponed, and now it’s in a month, and I’m more worried than excited now. It hurts because the band got me through a lot and it scares me how much my anxiety can ruin something like that. How much I would love if I would be able to enjoy that concert like I would’ve before. It’s even worse with family and friends. I have to force myself to text friends so I don’t lose them, but the platonic love and desire to hang out and talk is gone. They haven’t been the same either, as several of them have had to start going to theory after a mental health decline last year. I used to love being with my family too, but now I struggle to live in the moment whenever we do anything and no one seems the same after the pandemic. I can’t help but miss the times before the pandemic where I had this excitement (though I was never an excitable person), love, and interest. I didn’t realize how much better I was doing

Apologies if this sounds “cringey” or stupid, but it’s been on my mind a lot lately. Due to losing interest in the things I love and what makes me “me”, I feel like I’ve completely lost myself. This is terrifying and makes me want to cry whenever I think about it because for years, that’s been my favorite thing about myself: I know who I am and I refuse to change for anyone. I’ve never had issues trying to figure out who I am or want to be. Now I’m afraid I’m never going to get my sense of self back. One of the biggest worries here is the thought that what I had in my heart and resonated with me was really just a phase after all. For over 4 years now, I’ve felt a deep connection with the alternative community (consists of grunge, Emo, etc). I feel more connected to people within this community, found many of my passions, and have never been more confident. I love everything from the style to the music to the beliefs. I’ve recently realized that I haven’t felt as passionate about the scene since last June, and that makes me anxious. I don’t expect to be like this all of my life, but I can’t lose that part of myself yet. It has meant so much to me and I would have no idea who I would be if that was taken away (I do have more to me but it affects my life so much). I’ve asked online (thanks Quora) and most just say it was a phase and I need to move on and grow up. I really don’t know. I’ve never felt upset about a chapter of my life being over but the idea of this one being over is upsetting.

Due to all of this I’ve had a very deep nostalgia over the past, especially the past few years. I miss when I could feel, when I had passion, when I enjoyed talking and seeing friends and family and loved them with all my heart. It’s been a year and I don’t know what’s going to happen. I want to grow, but at the same time I can’t lose myself, or who I used to be. Sorry if this was a lot of ranting, I’m just lost and I don’t know what to do. Journaling has helped me and I was trying to be more active and productive which worked somewhat, but am having issues finding the motivation to do so anymore. I’m finally able to explore my hobbies (mostly music), which I used to cope in the past, and mentally I’m more into them, but I don’t feel the excitement in my heart like I used to. Same with my family. Has anyone felt the same and does anyone have any advice? Thank you :)