It's my birthday and I feel the worst I ever have.
I have dealt with this anxiety for a few years now, but within the last year it has intensified immensely bringing physical effects. I have been into horses my whole life, because my mum has had them. When I was little my mum had a pony for me, and I stayed going up the yard with her until I started secondary school and my pony passed away. After I finished school, I started going up again, during my break my relationship with my mother had depleted, but when I started going back up there, it seemed to get better. Now that I was up there I decided to get my own horse.. So I saved up and put a deposit on a foal that was named after me, and I got her in November.On that day I had the worst anxiety attack and ended up in a&e.I started blaming it on the foal and the responsibility I had now got into. I told my mum but she is very sensitive and blew up at me saying it was stupid and I should face up to it.. I persevered, and built a relationship with this foal, but the last few weeks the young horse has started rearing and kicked out at me the other day.This set my anxiety off really bad and I felt so scared, like I couldn't deal with it.Anyway when she kicked my mum went crazy, and said she should go. But later she had changed and said i should expect it because she's young. Yesterday she reared up and shook me again, and I broke down.My mum broke down too saying it couldn't go on,So then I made the decision to sell her.But now I can't help thinking it is the wrong choice.
@Fluffyf0xe5 Hello, and first of all, despite everything that's going on for you right now, I wish you a lovely and happy birthday 🎂🎁🎈! I'm sorry things feel in such a mess. My mum suffered with anxiety, panic attacks and growing up, living with her fears, it does have a massive impact. How we learn about life and the world comes from a place of anxiety, danger, so in turn, it's fear which becomes nurtured rather than a sense of confidence. Parents are people and sometimes, even when completely through no fault of their own, they get it wrong. It's diffucult, but try to see your mum as a person apart from being your mum. She obviously struggles and you have the consequences of that, of her not being able to cope. I know with my mum, I often felt more like I was the parent. So take a step back from the situation, give support where you feel able but acknowledge that you cannot give everything. Concentrate on you, on getting support for yourself. This site and the people on it, are amazing for that. Your horse, give another chance I'd say. They are such beautiful, sensitive animals and if you look deep enough, very like people. Animals can really help, particularly when you feel bad. It's scary yes, overwhelming, but your horse is young and scared also. Take a big breath and try again, very slowly at first, just talk. Let your horse get used to your voice, your presence. With patience, you could help each other, so don't give up. My daughter was seriously ill a few years ago and it left her confidence very low. Since then, she found horse riding, one horse in particular, a great grey, the colour of the moon, called Iker. He's very temperamental but now gentle as anything with her. In turn, she adores him and her confidence has grown. Despite all the difficulties, it's worth staying with, truly. For what it's worth, you could regret in time, missing out on the experience. The calm you'd gain eventually, the sense of achievement, will help you look at the world differently, more optimistically, than avoiding it now. Hope everything turns out ok for you. Take care, Janet
@CuriousBookworm5 Thankyou very much, I found your words very helpful ❤️
@Fluffyf0xe5 Aw, you're more than welcome. Here any time if ever you need some support. I really hope things get better for you. Take care, Janet 💖