Making peace with the past (anxienty and romantic relationships)
I dated someone for two-ish months this year that I'm going to call Jacob (not their real name). I realize two months isn't very long but they were the first person I dated since high school (I'm in my early twenties now) and the first person I had sex with. A huge barrier in this relationship was that he worked overnights and had a family which took up a lot of his time. My anxiety became a third wheel and it upset me when he didn't respond to my messages or I didn't know when we could see each other. It got to the point of quadruple texting and unanswered calls. I got so caught up in my feelings of not feeling cared about rather than looking at the bigger picture of what was going on in his life. We decided to go on a "break" with no set time date. I reached out to him after about a month and he said that he didn't want to see each other anymore. He told me he didn't have any time and it wasn't fair to me. Jacob said that he wasn't angry at me for what happened and that he didn't think we were right for each other. I told him that I forgived him and he thanked me for not hating him.
Ultimately, there were a lot of reasons outside of either of our control things didn't work out. Also, we just weren't the most compatible couple. I still feel guilty four months since we broke up about letting my anxiety become like I said a third wheel. It's hard because he'll always be important to me in some sense being the person I lost my virginity to. I would like to date someone new, but thinking about what happened before makes me anxious. I'm scared that my anxiety will just get in the way of another relationship. My question is how do I make peace with what happened and move forward? I want to stop beating myself up for my part and letting my anxiety become a third wheel.
@emayfbugg I'm sorry that you haven't recieved a reply sooner. I have been experiencing similar feelings and I know how difficult it can be to move forward after that. Firstly, I wanted to say your ability to accept the separation so amicably is impressive. Like you saw your anxiety as a third wheel in your relationship, I saw depression as one in mine. He recently broke up with me and I don't think I handled it as well as you have. I moped around my room for days and I isolated myself from others for much longer than that. I think I am barely making progress and accepting the situation.
Secondly, I think that you're readiness to even think about putting yourself out there is a great first step. I haven't reached that stage yet and I think the reason for that is because my depression is still so very prevalent in my life. I know you're worried about old feelings resurfacing. Most likely your anxiety will pop up every once in a while. Despite how much work I put into easing my depression, I still backslide occassionally and have a particularly difficult day. I think the trick is to not worry about getting rid of our mental health issues entirely but instead prepare ourselves on how to handle those emotions when they do come around next time. I don't come to 7 cups because I think I can remove depression from my life rather so I know how to ground myself on a day where everything feels impossible. I'm here to practice tools that might help and find the ones that work best for me so I'm prepared next time. It's the same thing with your anxiety. I can't tell you how to get rid of your anxiety completely but if you're looking for strategies, I am more than happy to share some tips I'm heard before.
Making peace with anything will take time. Working on your anxiety will take effort. But hopefully with the help of other members on 7 cups, we can make enough progress that you can enter your next relationship with less worry over your anxiety third wheeling all the time.
@SecretlyMe thank you for taking the time to respond. Im sorry I just saw this now.
@emayfbugga That's alright. I'm just glad you had a chance to see it. I hope you are feeling better now than you were back in December. (?)
