My battle with anxiety

Hi! For those of you that don't know me, I'm Emirson!

I've been struggling with anxiety since I was 7, and I was diagnosed when I was 9. Back then, I didn't fully understand what that means. All I knew is, some days were great and I was ready to conquer the world, and sometimes, it's hard to explain, but I was suddenly really worried about everything, and I would have a hard time catching my breath, and my hands would start shaking out of nowhere. But I didn't really talk about it and I thought it was normal for everyone.

I had my first panic attack when I was 10. Now, 6 years later, I still remember it. I was in class, taking a reading test. A perfect storm of things was about to happen. In the last few days leading up to it, my parents were having issues, I was struggling in school, and I wasn't sleeping well. So that morning, I woke up and I knew something wasn't right from the start. I was breathing heavier than usual, I was tired even though I went to bed early the night before, my hands and knees kept shaking, and I remember thinking "What the heck is going on?" I was feeling fine the night before, so I knew I wasn't sick. So what was it? By the time I got to school, I could tell something was about to happen. My head was spinning, I couldn't catch my breath, my mouth was dry,and my heart was beating way faster than usual. Even though it was normal for me to be nervous before tests at school, something like this never happened before. And then, about 20 minutes into the test, it all happened. At that point, I was totally freaking out, and I think my teacher noticed something wasn't right, because she called me over, but I just couldn't get up. Like, literally, couldn't do it physically.

And the next part was kinda a blur. I think I said something like, "I'll be right back" and ran out of the room. I remember laying on the floor in the hallway, just trying to get enough ir to breathe. Several minutes later, I felt good enough to get bck to class, but the whole day, I kept thinking "What in the world just happened?" But I never really told anyone, because I learned really quick as a kid how a boy is expected to act. Be tough, don't talk about your feelings, be a man. So that's what I did.

Fast forward 6 years, it never really got easier. Especially now, with me being a student-athlete, that's another variable in the equation. And I've heard this so many times: "it's just pre-game jitters, ride it out." But I know now that it's more than that. And I hear all the time, from everywhere that as student-athletes, we have a priviledge, we're supposed to be tough, and be role models. And for most of my life, I believed that.

But, looking back now, what kind of a role model would I be for younger kids, for my classmates, for my younger brother - if I taught them that the only way to be tough is to ignore their feelings, never talk about mental health, and put up a tough front? It leads to nothing good, at least in my own experience.