My family
My story um it started when I was 9, my mama and papa started to beat me everyday and I try to run away from them but never works I was to small and slow still am, and I would be scared whenever they are not happy because they beat me and hit me when there not happy my siblings do the same, and somewhere in me I feel like i deserve all this and that its my fault, just when someone raises their hand I get scared and start to panic and then I have an attack but I got used to the beatings but still always flinch and I dont know what I do wrong but I am bad child and its all my fault but I have scars all over my body so now I feel insecure bout my body and it hurts I still get beat and hit and im 17 now i just dont care anymore though I do what I told still get hurt but it my fault anyways and I cant get myself to care anymore, right now i feel very numb because my mama and papa dont want me and have not for years now so I dont expect anything from them but I got beat for doing what I was told and I wanna write it down to hope if I do not wake up one day everyone knows, that the world knows my story. Im sorry its so long
@shyomega123 I am sorry that you have had this experience and been treated this way and feel this way. It is understandable that this has been difficult for you to go through. Are you in school? Do you have counselors or anything like that, that you are able to connect with or that you have been in contact with?
Yes I am going to school now in a couple weeks, and no I do not wanna talk to my counselor or any of them because once they hear the word suicide they gonna send me to one of those hospitals and call my parents and tell them everything I said and I tried a therapist didnt go to well and stuff and I have no friends so i kinda just talk to myself get everything sorted out and what not
@shyomega123
Hi there, that is understandable. You deserve to feel safe and secure. Once you start school, there might be a school counselor office there. An option might be to make an appointment with them? Perhaps right off the bat, in the first conversation, ask them if they can keep your appointments private because you really need a safe place to be able to go and talk away from your family. Is it possible to ask if they can't give you that, ask them to help you find a therapist that can?
Or if you have a family doctor you see, you could ask them the same questions. Ask them if there is some confidential help they can help you access where you are safe and able to talk to a counselor, just between the counselor and you.
Here is a link I would like to make sure you have, so that you have this contact information at your fingertips: https://help.7cups.com/hc/en-us/articles/360026238093-Crisis If you have suicidal thoughts, reach out to them any time. Also ask them for help finding someone confidential to talk to, where you can feel safe and secure.
I just want a home to feel safe and secure and like I belong somewhere I can talk without being judged somewhere where there are other kids like me Its like no matter how many times people text me and tell me they went through the same and that I'm not alone I feel more alone than ever its like when they tell me how they went through the same thing I don't believe them I dont understand how they could have gone through the same things as me and they talk about how their fine their doing ok how do they do that but it seems so hard for me to do like I just can't do it and I just don't want to be in this home anymore, its filled with such feelings that I hate it here so much I hate my family and I hate myself for not being able to fight back be better maybe, the feelings there's just so much hatred, fear, abuse, assault, lies, manipulation, back stabbing, distance between each other, neglect, emotional detachment, loneliness, and ect and i dont even know how im holding myself together.
@shyomega123 We are here for you. We care about you. We are glad you reached out.
I can tell you are a strong person. You are kind and smart. You deserve good things. That is why you are able to hold yourself together.
What kinds of things do you like to do? Do you have something that makes you feel a little bit better? Is there music you like to listen to or things you like to draw? I know that you have a lot on your plate right now. I think sometimes it helps to remember to give yourself a little selfcare. Sometimes self-care can mean things you enjoy. What kinds of things do you think you would like to do for self-care or if you do some things already, if you don't mind sharing some of those, what is one or two things?
Well I love listening to music, and Im learning how to drive and its become a fun thing to do and I wanna travel but every time i get a chance to my parents dont let me and I still don't have a passport which sucks and my little sister has been able to travel more than me and that makes me feel frustrated but really sad and the one thing I want more than anything is to be able to go outside and see other kids my age and play with them have some fun and act like a kid be a kid like everyone else and not have to be a grown up because I dont have any time to be a kid when I need a grown up but never have one I have to be the grown up instead and it sucks I just want to be able to play with kids my age be a kid for once like everyone else but if I do that I'll fall behind and might get into trouble so I have to be a grown up when im not one.
@shyomega123
Music is pretty awesome. do you have any specific type of music you prefer? Or do you like all kinds?
It sounds like you have a lot on your plate and it is understandable that you are feeling frustrated by this. Your feelings are valid.
It sounds like in the future when you are older you might be able to look into traveling? Is it correct that you have one year of school left? Do you have college plans or?
No I dont have any college plans or any plans in general, yeah I guess my feelings are valid but it never feels like they are and well yeah I have one year school left just wish it would go by faster and well Im not so sure if i wanna even keep trying sure music helps subside my feelings and helps me not do anything stupid but sadly I cant always have music and yeah I love to travel i might do that when im older but honestly ive learned a lot of lessons throughout life but the one lesson i could never learn was giving up, I mean sure i keep trying even when I fall but I just feel so dead inside everything feels so pointless in life and yeah with life comes pain so its stupid to avoid it and not just run up to it and say welcome but its just no one stays long enough to help me and they make promises I know they wont keep its like the one lesson in life everyone learned that i didnt was that its ok to give up but no one taught them that there are some things you just should never and sometimes can never give up on right so why is it that everyone finds it so easy to give up on me because it has me doubting that they even actually cared in the first place let alone really even understands what im saying, I mean im a stubborn person people have tried to help me but I push them away when they get to close because for me im still in my cage and my tormentors are just around the corner and i just dont want them to be caught and put into a cage just like me so for me pushing them away feels like the right thing to do I just wanna wait till my guards are far enough away that ill have time to get out and we could both run away and not just me or just the person trying to help me, I mean im 17 and I had to grow up or else id be dead but sometimes I feel like im still just a kid locked in a cage begging to be set free to live like a kid even though i cant anymore I cant even hangout with kids my own age anymore I dont know what to talk about or what they like to do I dont know how to play with them but interacting with adults like im also an adult is so easy like its the only thing I know how to do other than scream for help inside but stay silent on the outside, sorry i talked a lot i got carried away no one every really cared how I felt now that your showing interest I want to get everything out so if you do end up leaving ill feel a little lighter now that I got everything out
@shyomega123
Simply being the age you are now can come with a lot of conflicting feelings and emotions. What I mean is, that alone can have its own difficult moments in my experience and with some others I have known, and then adding on the other things you have and are dealing with and trying to sort out, it is understandable that you are having some confusion and feeling this way.
Not giving up is a great lesson to learn. That shows strength and hope. Those are important things.
I appreciate music as well. I feel like music is always that friend/support there for people, when other people can’t understand us or be there, music and their lyrics can be.
Have you considered what your after high-school plans might be? In my experience, it has helped me and others I know to have things to look forward to, to dream, or imagine some ideas of what we will do or be. That can also sometimes help us discover our passions. And sometimes passions can ignite a purpose and deeper meaning, drive, hope, and etc.
Why do you think you push people away? Do you think that is why it can feel like some people make promises to help you but then seem like they don't stay long enough? Do think they may feel you pushing them away? It sounds like you from some of your experiences you have learned to build high walls to project yourself possibly? What I have learned and in my own experience is these can walls prevent some people that want to stay or come in to help.
No need to apologize for sharing your thoughts or how you feel. That is what 7 Cups is for. We are here for you, We support you.
Here are ways to connect with Listeners just in case you are not already aware, for extra support in case you ever feel like you need or want it:
As you are already aware, there are these sub-communities forums, like the one here that you and I are posting in.
Just in case you are not yet familiar with the other ways, I will link them here:
there are 1:1 chats with listeners which there are a couple of different ways to connect. You can either click the chat drop-down menu and choose general chat and the first available Listener will connect with you. Or you can go here and browse for an available Listener https://www.7cups.com/BrowseListeners/ you can also click the more filters link and search for Listeners by topic.
There are group support chats here: https://www.7cups.com/connect/groupChatrooms.php
and a special events calendar here: https://www.7cups.com/home/communityCalendar.php
There are the support guides I already linked to you in my other post as well: https://www.7cups.com/supportGuides/selfHelpGuides.php
And then there are other growth paths you can start up and follow:
https://www.7cups.com/path/modifier/premium/
How are things going today? How are you feeling?