Ohh... Birthday parties

Well, my 18th birthday party just ended and I don't know what to feel. My birthday is the 6th November and the last few years I have always had a halloween birthday party with my group of friends from 8th-10th grade to cath up and just for old times sake and yknow I haven't really made any close friends since I started 11th grade (another school) and I'm in 13th grade rn about to graduate so that kinda sucks. I have one best friend that went to the same school as me from 10th grade and we have just stook together since.

But anyway, I have been spending weeks being so freaking excited for this party. I have been asking around my family for empty wine bottles and putting candlesticks in them, buying halloween decorations and planning the food. The last few days I have been working non-stop decorating the house wich was filled with cobwebs and the whole room was only lit by candles and there were so many great snacks. We were only going to be 8 in this party but for me, turning 18 is quite a big deal and because I was too anxious I guess to invite my class from school over for a big party, I wanted to have a small get together with old friends that I havent seen in a while but go all in with decorations just as if I were having a huge party.

The party just ended and we watched a movie and just chatted for a couple hours and caught up and it was nice, but I just got into bed after cleaning up and I feel weird. In the middle of the party, I thought we were going to play just dance because some of the girls in our group chat were talking about how awsome it would be to play just dance so I start to connect the Wii U to the tv and one of the girls asks me what I was doing and I said that we were going to play Just Dance and she said that she didn't want to. I asked if anyone else wanted to play and there was just silence and I then I ask if they want to play any old Wii games and there was just silence and I went upstairs to go and get the old wii games and I just had a mini panic attack. All my previous parties/get togethers had been a flop. People always became bored and went home early and this was supposed to be 'the year' where I would host a fun party. We just finished watching a movie and I thought we were gping to play a game or something and now I didn't know what to do. I couldn't find the games so I went downstairs and just sat down and sat there listening to the conversations. My best friend noticed and said that it sucked that the other girls just bailed out and put me in that position but just ugh.

I feel really weird. I feel grateful to have met my old friends again and catch up, but sad and underwhelmed about how the thing turned out after having prepared it so well for so long and having these expectations and it basically flopped. The only awsome part about the party was the decorations in my opinion.

Again, I feel weird I can't explain it other than just emotionless but still feel like I will start to cry in a second. Just ugh, this was supposed to be really short but it turned out to be a freakin diary entry haha congrats to have made it this far, I may as well post it after have written all this but yeah just a small rant and a daily check-in.